Janey's Blogs - April 2004
THE 2004 BLOGS WERE POSTED ON THE CHORTLE COMEDY WEBSITE FORUMS
Posted: 23.54 April 07, 2004
I decided to keep a wee
diary here for people to .read.I know how pretentious that is but i dont know
how to do it on my webpage ok? so this is my trial run..
Spent the whole day wondering how my daughter is getting on during her school trip to Greece. She is on a theatre trip and hates it..i know this coz she called me.
"Mum the woman who runs the drama thing says she is famous for her 'theater and television career' when questioned she sneered at me, she wears gold lame shoes and i think her claim to fame was being a fucking finger puppet in FINGERBOBS, the teachers wont let me smoke and i need a fag so much i want to punch the wee sad gay boy in our group and you know how much of a fag hag I am, i have alienated everyone in this godforsaken island, Mum have u cleaned my room, is Dad ok?"
So I stopped worrying about
her and wished she would lose her phone card.
Today I had to organise
gigs and preview shows for Edinburgh in London, which I did. I got three more
gigs today and am still in the process of deciding which colour of purpley/pink
i want in the lettering for my Fringe poster.
Still dream about smoking
(something to have in common with my child)
Still dream about eating
cake....am on a diet and cant have that..and jammed husbands fingers in the
fridge door coz he bought chocolate cake for himself.
Am fretting about the book
and feel i am either not writing enough or am writing too much shite!
Cleaned Ashleys room and
found a laptop computer in her sock drawer, i was unaware she owned one and
now worry that she may have robbed some posh child at the school, just like
her fathers side of the family who are fucking robbers!
Husband reassured me that
it was in fact hers and she got it when I was in london last month. (why dont
i know everything?)
She is the most disorganised
person I know, in her underwear drawer was her school report (which was surprisingly
good) and a letter from tax office ! (she worked part time over xmas)
Went to see my big sister
today and stood on her new pup as i entered her home, )I felt awful) it fucking
yelps and barks all the time and then i spent the rest of the day TRYING to
stand on the wee jaggy nailed yelppy fucker... i didnt ok?
Got a gig to perform for
Breast Cancer Charity.
I just got the all clear with my breast lump last week...thats another story...if this is boring and u hate it please tell me....
Posted: 02.40 April 08, 2004
I spat Sprite over the keyboard laughing at this.
It's funnier than my ex-girlfriend's blog, that's for sure.
Posted: 11.43 April 08, 2004
Woke up late, I keep expecting
Ashley to wake me as she goes to school, but alas she is still in Greece.
Decided today i will discipline myself to writing my book that I spent the advance on for at least two hours, but am shite at discipline, I have the discipline of a crack smoking whore....which I suppose must be good coz to be a crack smoking whore you really have to get your day in order and get organised to suck enough cock to buy drugs.....so therefore I have not even got the discipline of a crack smoking, heroin into eye injecting skanky whore.
Dreamt last night I was
eating white chocolate with nuts in it, fucking hell how bad must your life
be when dreaming of chocolate is better than dreaming of sex?
Needed to pick six photos
that the wonderful Steve Ullathorne shot of me and am totally sick of looking
at my own fat face! I picked the five one's i liked best and that did not show
up my double chin & spotty skin. Can u believe that on the day of the photoshoot
I broke out in hives all over my face and neck...fucking rotten luck,,,thank
God for photoshop and Steve's wonderful skills.
Oh well it is only midday....see
Posted: 12.21 April 08, 2004
I'm just worried that other people who aren't funny or interesting will start doing the same...
Posted: 12.22 April 08, 2004
Hi Janey - how old are you now - just wondering
Posted: 12.30 April 08, 2004
Woke up this morning, realised I hadn't washed the blood from my hands before going to bed which means I've got to take the sheets to the laundrette (I could always use one of them to wrap the body in) -
Mum is starting to stink a bit, perhaps I should have had her burried after all - still, a good squirt with the Fabreez should do the trick for now.
Today I'm going to make an effort to loose my virginity - with a live person - apparently sex is even better when the other person moves as well.
dad is getting out of Prison tomorrow all on account of him being dyslexic - apparently the Home Office has made a ruling that dyslexic criminals should get shorter sentences.
Ah well - I wonder what the day will hold for me - and will I get away with it?
Posted: 12.45 April 08, 2004
Thanks for spoiling this
Posted: 12.51 April 08, 2004
What were you saying birdy?
Personally, I don't think anyone else should 'blog' on this thread. Janey, how olds your daughter? When you mentioned her on a school trip my thoughts wandered to my son (8) going on one next week. I got worried about the smoking bit then.
Posted: 13.04 April 08, 2004
So whats your theory?
Tabs = Bad
Video Nasties : Good
Posted: 13.04 April 08, 2004
Oh Dear, obviously this
thread was going to attract other diary entries - I just got in first - there
is no way you're going to have a private thread all to yourself on Chortle
Posted: 15.48 April 08, 2004
OK Psycho Dave confirmed my fears..
Was pretentious and assuming...maybe
I should get back to writing the book, then I will have a book all to myself
Dave and not topic..
I did invite comments and
got them..fair play.
For the record my girl is
18 next week I am 43
no more blogging! godley
Posted: 15.55 April 08, 2004
Janey - Don't give up on
the Diary - it is excellent, well worth reading - but it was never going to
remain uninterupted on a Chortle Thread - find some way of putting it on your
website, I'm sure some Chortlers could give you advice on how to do it - I'd
defenately log on to it every day to read further instalments - Do It - It Is
Good - Entertaining - Amusing!
I looked at the pictures
of you on your website and you're looking pretty damn good for forty three
Posted: 16.03 April 08, 2004
Have spoken to Janey about putting it on her website, at the moment she has very good reasons not to.
I still think she should carry on though ... maybe when I get my website up and running again I can host it for her. What do you think Janey?
Posted: 16.08 April 08, 2004
Thanks Dave but I was not assuming it would be un-interrupted..thats why I asked for comments...I am not putting on my website as my editor looks after my website and if he knew I was writing a blog when i should be actually writing the book, well...I will be sat in a corner with a picture of white chocolate nutty treats and slapped on the wrist..it was a mere distraction from my 'real' writing!
Thanks for saying I look
good for 43. It is wonderful lighting and and amazing photoshop skills, a pair
of 500 denier tights and a tub of vaseline pulled over the camera lens.
In real life i have skin
like wood chip wall paper and more wrinkles than Mother Theresa's armpit.
The only firm and tight
part of my body is the inside of my left wrist, it looks perky even under fluorescent
lights. I let young men hold it in the dark.
Posted: 16.13 April 08, 2004
Oh the modesty of the Woman!
Posted: 16.16 April 08, 2004
Quote (Ava @ 12.45 April 08, 2004)
Thanks for spoiling this thread.
from someone who uses the
'cunt' word at ever opportunity on these boards I can only hope that you're
Posted: 16.21 April 08, 2004
Janey, your editor must be on here as it is a well known fact that everyone conncected with comedy reads these boards. They just don't post because they are scared... as we are frequently reminded.
Posted: 16.38 April 08, 2004
Quote (deian @ 16.16 April 08, 2004)
From someone who uses the 'cunt' word at ever opportunity on these boards I can only hope that you're being ironic.
No I wasn't I wasn't being
serious. I wanted to read about Janey and no one else.Cunt.
Posted: 16.39 April 08, 2004
well here goes for the rest of day two......
Went a walk as I did not
write any part of my book, I am nearly finished the timeline on it and keep
writing bits them remember stuff I should have put in before I got to this 'bit'.
Fuck it is frustrating,
I feel very narccisic writing all about me and my life! (Like I am doing here!)
But that is what the book is about and so it must be....although I was tempted
to say I shagged George Michael in 1984, but that would have been a lie!
Read in the papers today
about Victoria Beckham putting a brave face on her marriage situation.
Poor cow she should just give the camera two fingers, give up trying to be a
pop star, call him a big useless cunt and be photographed eating a big chocolate
cake whilst she kicked him in the back...now women all over UK would stop hating
her if she did that photo shot!
Imagine the headline
I am shite at singing, my man acted like a wanker and I am going to eat my body
weight in tiramisu and fucking stop looking like a pornstar
Instead she will live forever
eating lettuce, pushing her tight plastic tits over a basque and pouting hopefully
at every camera that points to her. Poor cow!
Got my VISA bill in today
and considered running away and hoping my husband would be so concerned by my
absence he would not make that huffing noise as he viewed the bill.
Even though I pay all my
own bills, he has an inherent ability to make me feel guilty at my spending
habits. He makes that face that annoys me and I want to punch him.
This is a man who has replaced
the word Taxi by Bus into my language.
When I come back from London
I hide the amount of taxi reciepts from him ( he does my accounts) in case he
has an anyeurism. I replace them with bus tickets I have found in the street.
My end of year accounts may be fucked but he is smiling!
This is a man who screamed
once at the price of mascara in a fucking supermarket! It was an own brand as
well, fuck knows how he would feel if he had to buy it for me from Harvey Nicks!
He does not understand why
my daughter has more than one handbag, she does not understand why he has to
know why she has 12 of them!
I stand in the middle and
laugh as they both tower over me shouting .
Ashley has not called from
Greece...lets hope thats because she is happy and not been murdered in a horrible
Scottish Posh School Cull?
Please let her come home
safe and still intact and not spontaneously married like I did at 17.
Posted: 18.11 April 08, 2004
Janey two things:
1. get the fuck off chortle and write that bloody book.
2. Ashley is a big girl now with big girls problems and secets....what the fuck are you doing going through her drawers. A teenagers room is sacred.
Posted: 19.56 April 08, 2004
ooooh Alan, shoosh. I am writing the book...ya moany fucker. You are worse than Random house fuckers.....
As for Ashleys room, I HAD to go into her drawers to put in all the underwear and laundry...if u read first post u will see she asked me to clean her room.!!!!
I am her fucking slave ok?
I know she has secrets...but i know them all....I hope? Maybe not.
Love you Alan but shut it!
Posted: 11.47 April 09, 2004
Never slept well at all, have been plaugued by horrible sleep disturbing nightmares for years and last night was no exception. Have been to therapists, herbalists, doctors, psychologists and it ends up after i tell them the nightmares, I leave them traumatised and I still get too scared to sleep!
Eventually drifted off into
a scary nightmare-ish sleep around 6am. Ran the run , fought the demons and
woke up half an hour ago.
My Train tickets have at
last arrived for my gigs in Manchester next week. Thank God!
Still no word for my daughter,
but she is home tommorrow and I am excited to see her.
Her room is shiny and smart,
no more trying to compete with the house out of 'Trainspotting' for shittiest
room prize. I even found fourteen socks that are a match for the odd ones at
the bottom of the ironing basket (yea I know fucking rock and roll lifestyle
Wrote 1000 words of my book
last nightas deadline is getting near.
Looked after my baby niece
ABBI, she is 10 months old and has grown teeth, wonderful but when she doesnt
get what she wants NOW she bites your tits..or anything esle that sticks out
and is near!
Ashley loves her but assured
me ABBI is one of the reasons she will never be a teenage mother, so I make
sure the baby is at my home daily!
VISA bill situation went
well, I explained that all my money is mine and he has to stop sneering, he
agreed and apologised for all his sneering and smiled and said
"See when you are bankrupt
and I have to buy your tampax for you, can you possibly learn to cook to make
up for the fact you will be spending all my money then?"
"Yes I will" Said
I "When you learn how to suck your own cock"
It is a sad fact I cannot
cook, but i give good head.
I have never made a pot
of soup in my life.
Worrying niether has my
daughter (OoooohhAARrrggh dont want to think of that now I have said it aloud)
Posters for festival are
coming along nicely, it is so hard to decide, I like funny and arty but apparently
they have to stand out from all other 1000000 flyers in Edinburgh..so I may
get them done in GLITTER! s'pose not but that would have been fun.
My daughter is 18 next week
and I have organised birthday dinner for her at Hilton, I also bought her a
new glammy handbag (Husband sneered at excessive handbag collection she has)
When I was 18 I was married
and learning how NOT to make soup I quickly reminded him.
He smiled and bowed his
I may have lost the fight
with the demons in my sleep, but I am winning the day!
Posted: 12.57 April 09, 2004
Thanks to all who PM and email me to encourage me to keep up the blog and possibly sabotge the book!
ANARCHY all the way!
I like doing it.
If u hate it also post here,
this does not have to exculsively my thread....honestly..let me know ur thoughts.
Posted: 13.08 April 09, 2004
I think you're just rude.
Posted: 13.33 April 09, 2004
Janey I love this blog ... I hope Steve puts it in Chortle Gold where it will never be forgotton.
Posted: 16.19 April 09, 2004
Have been invited to the wrap party for BBC SCOTLAND Live Floor Show tonight, shit that means I will need to spend three hours straightening my mental frizzy hair.
I am sure somewhere in my
great-great-great-grannies past she had a wee obsession for cute African men
(Funnily enough I do too!) hence the black curly mad hair, that seemed to have
skipped all three generations and land on me.
I still am on the diet and
cannot eat chocolate, but managed to compromise by buying 'Chocolate hair shampoo'
by John Frieda.
I may not be able to eat
the sticky brown treat but i can fucking rub it into my head!
Finally got a cheque today
from four weeks ago from a comedy company that owed me, hurrah! If MY delivery
was that slow they would never hire me again!
Need to find a company in
London that print photo's from disc cheaply as I need to get 30 6x4 pics of
me for press purposes. Fuck I hate paying over the odds and will keep searching.
Realised I am very old today
when I slipped getting into the bath and was really scared !!
I balked at the double set
of wall handles my dad has on his bathroom wall and sniggered coz it made his
home look like an old persons flat, I phoned him today and asked where I can
buy those non slip grip handles and can he fit them coz I am scared i may slip
and break my hips now...my dad laughed loud at me and I heard him sniggering
' it comes to us all'
I am the youngest of four
in my family and today I called my eldest brother.
He is a drug user and has
HIV but is healthier than me, I have had thrush more times than him and he still
takes heroin !!
(I realised that heroin
may be more affective at killing thrush than Canasten, but still not sure the
collapsed veins are worth it)
He is fine, he is a great
fantasist and makes me laugh with his tales, he claims Brian Ferry called him
yesterday and asked my brother for help on his new albumn. Beat that for a tall
My brother lives in Bo'ness
near Edinburgh and is the UFO capital of the world....thats because people like
my brother live there. My brother claims he has had seven methadone prescriptions
stolen by aliens who also took his blood.
"They stole my prescritption
Janey, but I think I gave the weird alien bastards AIDS,,,that'll teach them
fur fucking with me'
Its not often that sentence
will be heard in any one lifetime.
But then you dont know him....i
do...he is my beloved brother.
Posted: 18.20 April 10, 2004
Had fun at last nights party for BBC Wrap do, nice to see lots of old faces at the BBC club, I used to run a comedy club there in 1997!
I remember a brand new Reginald
D hunter doing his first Scottish Gig there along side Brendhan Lovegrove and
the fantastic Radar from NZ!
Saw handsome elegible bachelor
Des Clarke, he will always be wee 'des' to me and cute and polite as ever.
Craig Hill had Paul Sneddon were merry on beer ...and hugging! (sex scandal..?Naw..am joking!!)
Got up early and cleaned
the house in preparation for Ashley coming home, although I dont know why as
her mission is to trash the house on a daily basis.
Had big argument with husband
who insisted on leaving after the last update on flight arrivals on teletex...I
am antsi and shouted to make him leave when I wanted!
When we got to the airport
her flight from Heathrow was delayed by an hour....
Finally stood at arrivals
gate anxious to see my wee baby, all other parents gathered around being very
calm and polite...I was shouting and swearing down my mobile to comedy booker
who yet again pulled another Sunday night show I was booked into! (fucking arse)
Then all thses children
& teenagers came rushing through the arrival hall. My girl stood head and
shoulders above most of them so it was easy to spot her, she swept me up off
my feet and swung me around.
I could sense other parents
giving us strange looks...big tall girl...small hobbit mother
I missed her so much, she
really does complete me. Only she laughs at my sarcastic horrible comments on
a daily basis...her own rendition of how the drama woman in Greece made her
wear a 'hat with sewn on fish motif' and don a huge white klu klux klannish
sheet/toga and dance up and down on the sand doing 'wave 'wave' sea' motions....made
me literally piss my self. She said she scared the families on the beach by
running up and down doing her 'fish-wave-fish dance. The woman was called Lesley
ann...and of course my girl repeatedly called her 'Lesby -ann' I missed her
fun sense of humour that her father totally lacks....she may have his brown
eyes, his height and cheekbones but she is 100% Godley in the head!
Am doing a gig tonight for
Billy Bonkers...his wee State Bar gig does really cheer me up, I know some comics
can be 'snobbish' about doing this wee Grassroots club, and the pay structure
is ambigous to say the least,.but i do have fun there, its the stuff you can
never do at Jongleurs, the gig u would never have at a big name venue,,just
real people sitting waiting on real fun...fucking great!
Called Monica this morning
she is...my best mate who is Scottish and lives in London.
Monica has her own pr company and looks after celebrity and somehow famous men who cook food and a she launches a few restaurants
Janey-" Hey Monica
Monica " Well I am
sitting here at PC and supposed to be organising stuff for Michael Caine's new
restaurant and have meeting with Top dude from British Airways about designing
menu for first class, but am actually drawing scars and big cricles on Victoria
Beckhams face on this magazine..I really need to get my legs waxed, eyebrows
done, cash a cheque and get laid this weekend..how bout you?"
Janey-" hoovering and
waiting on my child"
Monica " Fuck off she
is not interested in how clean the house will be, she will come home dump her
case, smoke a fag and get dressed to go clubbing, were you expecting her to
sit down and fucking look at her homework diary for the coming week?"
Monica- " stupid woman...hey
Janey what if she had sex when she was away? Oh my God what if she did? You
need to get her to a clinic -Greece is a third world country sexually, men there
have leprosy and she will need to get screened for TB...oh Fuck..did she sound
like she had had sex when you spoke to her?
off, am off to hoover...by the way I had sex all week"
Monica- (hung up)
Ashley was fine and assured
me she had neither leprosy nor any sexual disease.
We sat and went over her
home work diary, she smoked tow fags and went for a shower,....she is going
I hope men in Glasgow dont
have TB or leprosy.
Posted: 20.14 April 10, 2004
hope everyone is cool with this let me know...
Posted: 11.34 April 11, 2004
Happy Easter...this only applies to those people who can eat chocolate and that is not fucking me. The diet is annyoing me, for all the suffering and starving i have been throo I want to have lost five stones!
I have been deprived of
real nice food and fags for months now I am starting feel slightly Catholic.
Got up early coz i am out
flyering for the Scottish Socialist Party this morning.
The gig was pulled last
night at Billy Bonkers club...there a surprise!!, Billys wee club does have
a big hit or miss factor. Am gigging at the Vault tonight and my last five gigs
there have been pulled due to LOTS of circumstances...so many I can hardly remember.
The management changes hands more than the MC so it hard to keep track, but
a good wee club when it all goes well. I do have to add.
Ashley came home very late
with her best friend Vikki to stay over, they had been out dancing. Ashley looked
shattered but happy to be home.
My brother in Bo'ness called
to say he saw me on TV last night, he thinks he likes my new hair style and
does not agree with my politics....I had to tell him I was not on TV last night
and have never down a political programme please fucking please do not let him
be getting me and Ann Widdecombe mixed up or I can never come off this diet.
He said he will look up
the programme and tell me where he saw me! ( He will not accept it wasnt me
and tells me aliens can interfere with his broadcasts, apparently Brian Ferry
was on his TV telling the world my brother is producing his next album)
I wrote a good chunk of
my book last night. It does feel weird remembering ten years ago now, I remembered
my husband treated me like a cunt and the pain came flooding back, so I spent
the whole night in a bad mood with him to punish him for hurting me in 1994.
He is confused and is sorry for the last 25 years we have been together. Thats
not good enough....I will torture him more today...(Why do women do this..I
mean if i forgave him in 1994 why am I angry now?, is it because I am a different
person now and would not accept that behaviour? Am I angry at me more than him?)
So when i answer all that
I will make Easter Lunch..(not that we celebrate Easter) but I will call it
that to make it sound grand!
Good to see James Campbell
doing well, I read the article on front page. James and I were and still are
good friends for many years when he lived in Glasgow. Ashley was good friends
with his then partner and would stay round at his flat on weekends. Ashley and
James argued like fuck, for some reason they had a big love/hate relationship,
I think he was not used to child/adult thing she had morphed into and she was
not used to sharing her new pal with the boyfriend!
oh well they have all grown
up now, good LucK to James, may he make milllions and smile wide.
I can hear the Pope on in
the background of my living room, the poor wee man is dying and they still make
him work. God love him.
Give him a break!!
Posted: 00.02 April 12, 2004
I need to also press upon everyone that this is NOT representitive of my 'book writing' i just wrote down quickly from the heart and never bothered to spell check and rambled all my thoughts out as they came.
It was fun for me and kinda
theraputic as well...so thanks to all who clocked in with me and shared a few
of my otherwise boring days.
See ! despite the rumours
I can be deep and meaningful!
Posted: 11.26 April 22, 2004
This was fantastic stuff Janey. Really therapeutic to read as well. Can't wait for the book!