Janey's Blogs - August 2004
Posted: 01.13 Aug. 01, 2004
day contemplating my hair. Should I wash it and blow dry it straight and
suffer the heat stroke and heavy sore arms in this heat? OR
Leave a tangled dry curly mess?
for the Hair Bear Bunch look and went off to gig at the Vault.
Gig went fine, punching Nuns goes ok.
Got a run home, but decided to walk to all night shops as soon i got dropped off.
It is one of those scary Glasgow nights where EVERYONE who has drunk at least two units of alcohol has turned MENTAL and spoiling for a fight.
As I approached
the all night store, a young well dressed teenager ( West End is full of
middle class University types, getting drunk for first time away from home,
and useless without nanny)was standing shouting at the door of the shop,
i mean really shouting.
As i got to the door he stopped shouting and said in a slurred posh voice " I am sorry do excuse me, i seem to be in your way"
There was no one else there except him, shouting at himself.
The whole shop seemed to be full of scary nutters wandering the aisle's arguing with their own reflections or shouting out random groceries....
a young blonde girl wearing a flowery dress over jeans with a jumper tied at the waist ( why do students wear all their clothes at once as if they cannot decide what to wear, so just pile ALL of it on?) she was stood there beside the fridge speaking loud in a very cut glass English accent " Tins of mince with peas" and then "Soup".
Again no one was there for her to chat to???
What the fuck????
I look at the poor wee dude at the counter; he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled Alcohol" he mouthed to me.
He counted my groceries and asked What is it you do?"
me-" I am a comedian"
him-" My cousin is a Canadian"
me-" I think we have been through this before eh? Did we not have this conversation weeks ago?, you say Canadian, i say comedian? no?"
him-" Maybe "
I left weird Ville and walked home listening to girls and guys screaming and shouting at taxis, running all over the busy road.
The young girls dressed like even whore-ier versions of Girls Aloud...tiny cotton belt skirts, bikini /bra as a top.
They were screaming at each other and some young guy with spikey hair, they were screeching Glasweigan
" TAAAM..C'MEER...FUCKSAKE TAAAM...!"I stood there watching, she put her hand on her skinny Cuprinol Brown fake tanned stained hip, cocked her head and shouted
" Whit you looking at ya fuckin' cow?"
me smiling in my poshest voice- " Sorry I dont understand what you are saying as I dont speak council house poor"
she screamed again and tottered off in lurid pink high heels into the middle of the road and was narowly missed by a speeding car blaring loud " MUTHAFUCKA music"
the place is MAD...what the fuck is happening?
Then I remembered...every time Glasgow has a heat wave the murder rate goes up EVERYTIME!...
For some reason Glaswegians kill each other if the temperature goes up by 10 degrees!
I have no idea why that happens but trust me, this is posted at 01.12 am, and I will let you know the death count tomorrow when I read the newspapers.
Posted: 01.54 Aug. 01, 2004
Can't say I was a fan at first - - impressions I got and conclusions I jumped to.
- - - - but 'Focus Group' and 'all night shop' have got me hooked: Especially the latter, brilliant.
Like Glasgow weather, I'm warming fast!
Posted: 02.06 Aug. 01, 2004
It's a full moon tonight.
Someone tried to run me over in Jamaica Street and I've had three bawbags in the street screaching for the last hour.
Posted: 21.21 Aug. 01, 2004
I have been moved!
How wonderful, I mean really i am pleased, it is in keeping with me moving through to Edinburgh in a couple of days.
Went to Balmaha today, its a beautiful wee stony beach area over looking Loch Lomond. The sun was blazing, jet ski's roared past, windsurfers bobbed on the water, children screamed and two 'Man' dogs kept trying to have sex with each other.....
I jest not, two male dogs kept pumping each other at the edge of the Loch in full view of all the paddling kiddies.
"Mum are they Gay dogs?" My daughter Ashley shouted.
Every child within a fifty foot radius stopping playing, stared at the horny poof dogs and immediately went to the parents and asked "What is a gay dog?"
Me-" No, they are not gay, they are just dogs that...em..I dont know they may be gay...can dogs be gay?"
I turned to husband and expected him to be an expert on dog gay-ness.
husband " They just like sticking their cocks into each other and play at doing sex I think, maybe they are 'rugby dogs'?"
We all sat and watched two big black labradors trying to have sex...everyone else watched with us. The sun no longer looked great, the jet ski's lost their importance as loads of people tried to explain 'gay dogs' to smaller children and older people who kept asking " What is a gay dog?"Ashley erected the beach tent that almost killed us three months ago when we tried to put it up at Ayr beach, the wind took it and turned it into the world biggest kite and dragged me into the sea.
This time she got it up no problem, she promptly fell asleep and left her father and I wondering about the homesexuality of other animals.
What a fucking weird day....but lovely and hot.
Posted: 13.56 Aug. 02, 2004
I am stunned. I bought a special wireless internet card for my laptop PC to take to Edinburgh, as the Underbelly has free wirless connection.
I set it up here at home in Glasgow and immediately it is connected.
I am happy about that but I dont know where or how it is getting the signal from. My own home PC and internet provider is switched off and dissconnected at the time as I needed to know the source for this internet connection on my laptop.
I still dont know and am baffled!
I may be getting sucked into the Matrix ...
Ashley was awake half the night got bored and decided to pull out my old box of twisty rollers, she put her full head up in the tight rollers and slept till 10 am.
When she woke up and pulled them all out shook her head and there was a mass of chestnut coils all wriggling and bouncing down her shoulders!
It looked awesome.
If I did that I would look like a scary monster with mental health problems....
She got dressed in a nice top, short skirt and high heeled sandals. I was worried about the shortness of the skirt and mentioned it.
Ashley-" Mum, do my legs look ok?"
me-"Yes, but I am worried it may be too short"
Ashley-"Thats because you are feeling old and think you cant wear a short skirt, i saw pictures of you in the 80's and you wore really tight short skirts and your legs looked fantastic, you have great legs and I get my nice shapely legs from you"
me (obviously flattered)-"Yeah too right, you show off your lovely long legs while you can"
I watched from the window as she strode with those big legs and boucy curls down the underground station. EVERY MAN who passed her stopped to look up her skirt.
My womb almost fell out and I just about ran down the stairs and wrapped a big table cloth around her waist so that every man will never look at her like that again.
I need to chill out.
Am getting packed for Edinburgh STILL....I have no idea what the weather will be like, but am taking some tee shirts and light stuff just incase we actually get a summer!
Ashley is taking a chest of clothes and stuff that resembles the luggage that Noah and his family packed for a trip on the Ark...there may even be two Gay dogs in that trunk for all I know.
Still cannot stop thinking about the two dogs that kept trying to mount each other yesterday.
I recall years ago when i had the pub and we had a big Alsatian bitch that lived next door to us, who gave off THAT HORNY DOG scent occasionally.
The entire dog community of the Calton (where I lived in East End of Glasgow) would gather on the wee grassy hill across from my pub/flats and sit there all day, with big red rockety penis's hanging out...it was awful trying to explain it to my then very young child.
There were big grey mongrels, scabby tufty half breed Alsatians, a three legged dog called Tripod with 'black and white cow markings' and an assortment of wee mad looking dogs all sitting on the hill, horny and looking like they were all chatting about 'I am first on ok, I am the biggest dog and my penis is big'
After a while they all got bored with that conversation and started to pump on each other as if to say " This his how I will be humping her when she comes near me"
At this my wee girl who was aged about eight then, would shout "Mummy quick look all the dogs are trying to jump on each other, maybe they are trying to make a big pyramid like people at the circus?"
me-" Yes, thats exactly what they are doing, they are special show dogs that make pryamids and possibly ride bikes"
My daughter - " Why is there big red things hanging from their tummies?"
me-" I dont know but I may get daddy to spray ammonia on that grass and see if that helps their balance"
My wee girl- " If I drink 'monia' will it stop me from falling and help my balance?"
me- "No it will kill you and I wish I had never said any of that aloud"I must stop thinking about dogs having sex, its no good for me this near my opening night.!!!
I am scared I might actually have bad dreams about gay dogs and animal sex....that will teach me for dwelling on that subject.
Posted: 22.40 Aug. 02, 2004
I have spent the entire day fighting with my husband, he is really determined to give me the best excuse in the world to plunge a sharp knife into his eye.
husband-" Make sure you get all the bills organised and paid before you go to Edinburgh, also can you clear out the hall cupboard as i think there is stuff in there we dont need anymore, you know like video's from years ago, I came across an old broken electric fan that could go"
me-" Ok listen to me, I am fucking stressed and packing to move to Edinburgh, I have a show to do, stuff to worry about and I dont even know what that stuff is yet, I actually dont give a monkeys flying fuck about the hall cupboard RIGHT NOW"
Husband-" Well thats clear coz it is full of rubbish"
I ran into the bedroom and tried hard not to plot his murder, why does he pick THIS time to want me to do a BIG thing like that? The hall cupboard?
I really dont care if Osama Bin Laden and Maxine Carr are hiding in there, eating cakes and discussing who gets the best press between them...I am NOT cleaning that fucking cupboard!
Ashley sympathised and told me to smile, soon we will be gone to the lovely new apartment and settled in.
I have told her to be tidy when we get to the new flat in Edinburgh as it makes me anxious living in a mess.
Sharing a flat with my daughter is cool, coz we once shared a body.
Mind you she did do star jumps and hurt my uterus, she even left that place a mess when she vacated it..I have to chill out!
Posted: 17.50 Aug. 03, 2004
My last day in Glasgow was spent shopping with my daughter Ashley who needed to buy MORE clothes to pack. Dont ask.
The weather is SO sticky and weirdly cloudy & hot. I feel like I am constantly having a menopausal hot flush, but thats ok as SO is everyone else!
Last night I spread fake tan over my blue legs to give them a bit of colour, woke up this morning and now have brown stripes and swirly rust lines over my shins, thighs and knees and my fingers and palms are the colour of burnished copper....not the effect I was looking for.I now have some weird respect for Victoria Beckham as she had to perfect that skill and she DID....her tan is smooth all over, pity she never perfected singing but fucksake that woman can fair spread her fake bake!
I am going to lie on then carpet beside the electric fan on the floor .....
too hot and streaky for chatting..
Posted: 21.15 Aug. 03, 2004
In the midst of packing I realised I was missing my AIR TIGHT PACKING BAGS, you know the plastic bags that you roll all the air out of and they go flat and save space?
Well they are MISSING...I am so fucking annoyed, I got so annoyed even more that I started to pull out the big sliding drawers beneath my bed.
These drawers have not been touched in years!
There was a old "tick book" ( a book in which people who owed me cash had their name and amount logged in to remind me) From the bar I owned back then., dates were around 1993.
Well, I am stunned fifteen people ( six whom are now dead) owe me a total of £730. Shit I am so annoyed.
I looked up their phone numbers beside their names and called them, only ONE person still has the same contact details.
He was amazed I called and even more amazed I remembered that he owed me £64.
He laughed when i explained how I found the tick book.
His name is Steven,
he laughed and said "You changed address and broke the contract between us! If you were still at the pub I would pay you, but you fucked off after the pub closed to get renovated..OH by the way, I heard that you and the family got caught with guns up at your father in laws house...is that true?"
Me-" Yes, but the police let me keep the guns, so when you paying me the cash?"
We both laughed. He can keep the cash, I suppose.
I sat and ticked off all the names I knew had died.
That was sad, especially as one of them owed me £420.
Still further digging in the drawer revealed a jewellery box and there in a velvet padded box were my Real Pearls.
Husband bought me them in 1986 as a gift when I gave birth to Ashley.
They are really expensive and I have no idea why they are in there and not the bank where all the rest of my jewels are.
Anyway as I sit here and write I have around my throat £2000 worth of pearls, suddenly i feel posh...mmm and they look nice with my fake tan.!!
I may wear them for luck to Edinburgh.
Husband has just told me to get them off and get them put away, he tells me they are too expensive to wear to Edinburgh.
I should have known there is only ONE kinda pearl necklace that I am allowed to wear....the only kind that I can never break or lose....and as he tells me the pleasure is always in the giving not the receiving!
Oh well....must go looking for packing bags.
Posted: 18.42 Aug. 04, 2004
well arrived in Edinburgh, the flat is amazing! Trust me, I HAVE A WINDOW ON MY FLOOR! Thats how funky and stunning the flat is!
Can u believe i need curtains for my floor, or people will see up my knickers!Ashley just arrived with me, we were so happy the apartment had an elevator, then she unpacked and procceded to try on five different outfits!
I am a bit disorientated and tired and too chatty and over excited...like wee nephew Shawn when he has eaten too many smarties!
The underbelly is looking cool, meeting loads of new people is amazing.
The Underbelly has the best looking staff ever, there is at least TWENTY SIX- BLONDE girls walking around all skinny and fit looking!
Ashley stood on the cobblestones and shouted " Is everyone BLONDE?'
Apparently"yes" they are, I am off to bleach my hair....NOT!
My first show is tommorow night and I cant wait to get on stage.
Posted: 11.24 Aug. 05, 2004
Tried for hours to connect my laptop into Underbelly FREE WI FI wireless internet p[rovider, and it will not work. So here I am in an internet shop AGAIN!
Ashley and I went up to the Pleasance last night and got to catch up with some comics we had not seen since last year.
Was funny seeing their reaction to Ashley, she has grown up so fast and some of the comics hadnt seen her in about four years!
She is bored to death by people saying " My you have grown"Wish people would say it to me, but I am still a wee Hobbit like person.
The weather is still sticky and am hoping it cools as I prefer the cooler weather!
The flat is still amazing except me being me -fucking pressed EVERY button in the kitchen and we woke up to 200 degree heatwave! I had set the heating to come on a 5am and it was set at highest heat!
Ashley hates me and has banned me from pressing any button in the place.
She is off flyering today and I am off to worry about my opening night.
Husband tells me there is a letter for me back in Glasgow from Strathclyde police, I asked him to open it and read it to me and he refused.
Husband-"You told me NEVER to open your mail and you shouted before so I am not opening it"
me-"Fucking open it aspergic boy, it may something really important"
husband-" If its that important they can come see you and speak to you, I am sure they know where you are!"
So I have the police sending me letters thats just great!
In todays List Magazine there is a pic of me with my head in a washing machine and a shotgun beside me!
I am going down.
and I dont mean sexually.
Posted: 12.24 Aug. 06, 2004
my first night was amazing! After worrying about getting numbers in my lovely Brett,Sam and all the Bound and Gagged team made sure the flyers went out (not forgetting my own wee lass Ashley who mucked in) and my first night saw 60+ in the room!
I was so nervous inside as I had Sunday Independant reviewer in.
Dont forget I have done a solo show 3 years in a row and each time left the Fringe without a newspaper review every year, infact out of 3 Fringes the only review i ever got was a lovely CHORTLE one last year!
I now have more press than i am sure of.
I hope the review is ok, the show went really fine for a first night, it was good to see loads of comics in the audience also, the Smirrnoff Underbelly venue managers and investor came along to watch and gave me good big supportive hugs after the show...how nice.
Husband came through to see me and get my shopping in, never came to the show as he is not a comedy fan in the least.
Ashley is working her ass off and is now sleeping good, all that hard work and sunshine is doing the trick. It really is good to have a daughter who totally understands my job, ( she did stand up when she was 11-14 and has done her own fringe show in 99) she gets me totally and supports everything I do. I love that feeling.
The flat is slowly descending into a shit heap, clothes are everywhere, make up is strewn on the floor and bra's and knickers are all over the carpets in each bedroom.
I have more reviewers in tonight.
Posted: 13.38 Aug. 07, 2004
The weather is holding up which scares me slightly, we never get this much sunshine EVER!
The show seems to be going ok, I think, it changes daily and breezes along. I worry I may be adding too much or leaving too much out. I do so enjoy improvising, and I do love telling the big scary Jail Story at the end. The audiences have taken so well to that story and all agreed NEVER to tell anyone the ending!
Went to GB library last night and met up with some old KIWI mates. Good to see them again and makes me want to go back to that beautiful island in the sun.
Ashley is doing well and flyering like a wee industrious monkey, it feels odd that despite all the press I have been getting people still come up to me and say You are Ashleys MUM I am more famous for being her mother than I am a comic. How lovely!
Husband has went all around funky apartment sussing out heating dials and washing machine workings ..
Whatever gets him throo the night!.......
Posted: 17.01 Aug. 07, 2004
forgot to mention, last night a couple came to see the show, they told me afterwards that it was the 'night before they married' YES they get married today and asked me to come to their wedding!
I am going along in fifteen minutes! I am wearing a nice dress. The couple explained they wanted to see someone who would make them laugh before the biggest night of their life and they told I DID! I am touched!
Today on the Royal Mile whilst flyering and old man came over to me, he stood there and read my flyer, he then looked at me and said " Did you get caught with guns? "
Him-"Can you get someone killed for me?"
me-" No, you should have asked me ten years ago, then I could have done a cheap Fringe hit for you!"
he continued looking at me and added "Im a homosexual"
me-" Still not killing anyone mate, not even for the gay community, even though I am a bit of a fag hag"
Husband went home and finally opened the letter from the police.
It seems they just want a quick chat with me regards a firebombed car that happened near my home early spring. It is only part of their ongoing enquiries regarding local crime.
Yeah...like I fucking believe that!
Watch this space!
Posted: 00.37 Aug. 09, 2004
The show went fine last night, I had three more reviewers in and I think I did just fine.
Meanwhile back in Glasgow .
Got a call from the police about the firebomb car shit and I explained over and over again that the night the car was firebombed I was actually on stage at Jongleurs Glasgow!
So YES I do have a fucking alibi thank you very much in fact I have about two hundred alibis to be precise! Why would I firebomb a car? I am 43 and have other shit to do!
Apparently some car was torched near my home and they need to know where people surrounding the area was at the time I dont fucking believe any of that do you?
Anyway, my show got a FOUR GROUCHO STAR rating from Chortle!
I AM A HAPPY GIRL!
Stood in the Fringe ticket queue today to flyer, as I shouted Come see Scotlands only female comic in a solo show
A big American woman shouted back You are not the only female in a solo show, Shazia Mirza is doing a show
I looked at her smiled and said Is she Scottish?
The woman said No, you are right, I stand corrected of course she isnt Scottish I forgot she is Muslim
I burst out laughing and shouted to her So you cannot be Scottish and Muslim?
The woman looked confused, I just laughed and carried on flyering.
I moved out onto the Roayl Mile and carried on with my Come see Scotlands ONLY female comic in a solo show, just then a Scottish woman stood up and shouted to me You are not the only Scottish comic woman at the Fringe, I am a comic
All the other comics flyering stopped chatting and looked at me.
I looked at her and did not seem to recognise her, this made me feel awful coz just because I dont know her does not mean she is not a comic! So I asked her
Are you doing a solo comedy show here at the Fringe?
She spoke loudly and said No but I was in a comedy play years ago
Me-Ok that means I am THE ONLY SCOTTISH FEMALE IN A SOLO SHOW
She stood there and got louder Well this year maybe she screamed with both her hands on her hips. I am comedy actress she added.
All the people round about laughed at her sillyness and she got even madder. I ignored her and carried on shouting with my flyer.
She stormed over to me grabbed my arm and screamed into my face Jane Mckay you are an untalented cow and your club The Stand is shit
This time, comics dropped their flyers, watched intently, babies stopped crying, clowns stopped juggling and everyone looked at me
Me- Actually if you look at my Flyer my name is Janey Godley and I have nothing to do with the Stand, you seem to be wrong everytime you open your mouth eh?
I smiled and walked on as people started taking the flyer laughing at the scary angry woman.
Hope she never got so sad and angry that she decided to jump from a high window, that would have been a missed opportunity for a flyering crowd!Got a good audience in tonight also, more reviewers in again, I am hoping they hurry up and print them good or bad, I am excited!
Posted: 13.57 Aug. 09, 2004
Ok I had the Perrier people in last night, I really hope they enjoyed the show. I get worried the new stuff is not as good as the old stuff, but then I am sure every comic worries endlessly about that.
I have been open four nights and had eight reviewers.
Nigel (My producer from Bound and Gagged) came in last night and he loved the show even though he managed to cough and choke all the way through it.!!!
Ashley and I went all around Edinburgh Last night chalking all over the walls
GOOD GODLEY !
People kept watching and asking us what it meant, we told them it was a secret. Those people came to the show!
Guerrilla Tactics work!
I have found a performance to satisfy my attention deficit disorder, there is a show on at Underbelly called Durang Durang which consists of six short plays! I loved it.
Go see it!
Had screaming scary dreams last night and woke up shouting at myself. I inadvertently head butted Ashley (she sleeps in with me when her daddy is not here).(not in a strange sexual way as has been suggested!)
My child has a bruised head coz the scary man chased me and I tried to escape.
The rain came today and washed away my chalk adverts.
Posted: 17.51 Aug. 09, 2004
decided to send Alistair Barrie a Private message, I knew he would be unaware of its very exsistence and thought a wee message about sex and stuff would brighten up his day.
am considering writing a PM to all the other bloggers, maybe even a message containing porn?
Yes thats exactly what i should do!
Bought my daughter a waterproof mac, brolly and wellies...maybe get her invloved in some wet porn and send a pic of her to all bloggers?OK JOKING!
My wee baby will no part of my mental attention deficit mind..
Just a quick note to all Edinburgh Fringe people who see me, when i go into my cleavage and fiddle, its because thats where I keep my mobile phone, I have a fantastic cleavage and its perfect for phone keeping and the BUZZ...oh well, thats the best.
rain rain rain.......
Posted: 13.40 Aug. 10, 2004
Got a weird phone call this morning, am not sure if it was a threat, but a deeply odd Glaswegian man told me to STOP TALKING ABOUT GUNS on stage!
I suspect it may have been one of my in laws, you know there is one who can actually speak in sentences and manage to press numbers on a phone, you know The other ONE who can actually read a wee bit and pass the information onto the other five (My husband is one of seven sons and my husband is famous in the family coz he can read and write!) We dont have anything to do with them in the last ten years.
I am not scared, I lived with the fuckers for 15 years and they can moan all they want in my show I only talk about what I SAW I dont talk about what I know (which is lots let me tell you) if they let me be caught with guns and explosives and I talk about it then thats THEIR fault for letting that situation happen. Only bad thing is a man from the press found out my real name. No worries, I threatened him!(joking)
The show is getting a good response and people are starting to talk about it which is good for me!
HURRAH! Today Ashley got her exam results and she passed advanced higher Psychology and Advanced higher Drama, I am proud. Thats her now achieved 9 standard grades, five highers and todays B & C results (can u tell I am proud, thank fuck she has her fathers brains and not her uncles)
Last night she was stood at Underbelly bar and her palm got caught in the hatch that closes the bar door down. Her hand is cut and she was crying, education she has, luck she has not.
Accident prone wee baby.
OH well must go and be nice, am ready for more threats, hope they come soon and provide me with laughs.
OH meant to say I dreamt all last night that planes kept crashing into the ground as their radar thing was being dragged down by terrorists with technology to do such a thing, there was planes all lying in a heap on top of each other a bit like Iraq soldiers piled on top of each other at Guantanamo prison.
Hope its not a premonition .maybe a plane will crash into Underbelly flown by my in laws?
Today's show to go see is Mark Maier "OBJECTS" great reviews and great show, and its at the Underbelly at 8.05pm
Posted: 19.34 Aug. 10, 2004
I have too much time on my hands, I have a day off.
I managed to convince a policeman to let me write GOOD GODLEY in chalk on the reverse side of his big black side wing mirror and then he LET ME take a picture of it!
I have that picture on my phone and would love to put it on here but as of yet dont know how to.....
Spent the day with Ashley trying to buy shoes, we could not see or get the size of the ones we wanted.
Am looking forward to Edinburgh evening news review, hopefully it will go in this week.
Underbelly is getting damp and hot and each night as so many young people breathe and sweat, i watch as posters slowly peel themselves off the wall and curl down like sick damp versions of the characters protrayed on them.
MY poster folds over and leans down like a sad sick Janey Godley.
ps-watch out for the chalk sign GOOD GODLEY! all over Edinburgh, I am planning a big cherry picker to come through and go up a very high point and write in chalk GOOD GODLEY! this weekend on a major tourist point.
..oh uh I'm in trouble!
Posted: 13.27 Aug. 11, 2004
Got into trouble for chalking on the walls, so I may go back to original plan of pasting posters. After all killing trees and sticking paper all over walls HAS to be better than doing Mineral on Mineral (chalk on stone) I mean chalk is biodegradable but chalk annoys people.
I wont listen to the annoyed people, I mean they are talking to a woman who encourages punching Nuns for fucksake!
Am getting decent houses and Scotsman came today to take a picture of me to go with my review. I dont know what kind of review it is but I assume if they want a picture two things can happen
A- Here is a picture of the unfunny fucker called Janey Godley avoid her at all costs, oh!! again here is a photo of her to remind you.
B- Here is good review of Janey Godley and here is a nice picture of her wearing a pink fluffy cardigan.
I am not sure which will happen, I also got a lovely name check by Bruce Dessau today in Scotsman, apparently I am a Hotly tipped housewife
The funny thing is I am not actually a housewife, I dont even hoover! So there we are!
Ashley is getting increasingly annoyed at me, I keep telling her to be home at a certain time and asking her has she eaten properly. She told me to FUCK OFF YA SCARY NUTTER last night! I was shocked, she hasnt sworn at me before, despite peoples assumption of me I dont like her swearing, it hurts me.
Husband is increasingly annoyed at me also, I keep phoning him and asking him questions about his life to add to my act. I need to know if he has ever fired a gun or killed someone as journalists keep asking me this.
Me-Hello husband of mine, a quick question have you ever killed someone?
Now this answer disturbs me, I know he is aspergic and behaves oddly but surely a question like that is a quick YES or NO response?
Me-Coz journalists keep asking me these questions after they see my show, Oh and they want to know your full name and stuff
Husband-Dont ask me questions, it annoys me, is my daughter ok ? Or are you annoying her also? You need to stop using that mobile so much, are you eating too much chocolate, how do you spell Anarchy?
Me- Ok no more questions, Ashley is fine, I am cutting down calls and chocolate and it is spelt A-N-A-R-C-H-Y
Husband-Thanks, explain nothing to journalists, if they approach me I will shoot them
Husband- I am joking, go have fun and dont put fake tan on the new cream leather sofa at the Edinburgh apartment, I see there is some on the sofa here
Me-That was Ashley she did that
Husband- Stop being a Grass
I know he has never fired a gun or killed anyone I am sure of this.
Posted: 17.44 Aug. 11, 2004
finally managed to intorduce Jenny Eclair's lovely daughter to my daugfhter!
It was a meeting of minds and smiles, both of them had that look of "We have attention seeking mental mothers"
What a lovley well adjusted and interesting girl Jenny has produced.
I on the other hand have just produced an angry mental sarcastic nutcase who managed to tell the Fringe queue that i pick my nose, eat it and piss my knickers a bit if I shout too much.
all of the above is untrue but I got mad at her for smoking and jokingly shouted a pigeon that landed near her to go PECK THE BAD SMOKEY GIRL... the one toed pigeon ran towards her and almost DID peck her ( I have power over deformed birds!)
the fringe queue laughed and I laughed and then she told them about the nose picking and piss thing.
I am going to be nice to her incase she tells people about my nipple thing.
Posted: 13.03 Aug. 12, 2004
Spent the day being cold/sweaty/tired and grumpy. I did photo shoot for Scotsman and managed to look tidy for ten minutes.
Told Stewart Lee about the pigeon incident and he suggested that maybe I am the PIGEON WHISPERER! Not really a great super power to have but something to boast of no end I suppose.
Lay in bed last night talking to Ashley , I told her I was the pigeon whisperer.
Ashley-Mum have you read that book Horse Whisperer?
Ashley-It is really filthy and porn-ish
Me-I dont think so are you sure?
Ashley-Yes, there is a really dirty bit about the horse whisperer man who had sex with the married woman who owns the horses and it kept going on and on about her warm sexy hairy triangle
Me-Yuckk for fucksake dont tell me about porn I will fall asleep and now dream about having sex with a horse knowing my mental imagination
Ashley- I want to dream about snogging Patrick Monaghan, do you think anyone knows that I fancy him
Me-No It will be the best kept secret on the Fringe, he wont know. I wont tell him
Me-Sure baby, now go to sleep
Ashley-Oh I forgot to tell you I interviewed Jenny Éclair to camera tonight for Underbelly archive footage, and she was really funny and she asked if you tell everything about my life, I said No Jenny not really, she laughed and said I was a good interviewer, wasnt that nice of her mum
Me-Yeah she is cool
Ashley-Good night mum
Woke up this morning to PR Mel telling me there is a four star review and good picture of me in Scotsman and that Edinburgh Evening news has a four star review with picture going in today also! Am happy.
Posted: 16.54 Aug. 12, 2004
was overly tired and too excited, like a small child on blue smarties.
All that got brought down to earth with a bump and am deperately upset.
In my funky new hip fancy Edinburgh flat, I inadvertently caught myself naked from the back in a two way mirror system when i slightly opened the wardrobe today.
I look like a wobbly dimply square arsed woman from the back and my white/blue skin is disgusting.
That soon put paid to my ego inflated "My four stars review" shit that was spouting from my big over inflated head!
I had no idea how fucking fat and ugly i look from the back, I am never having sex from behind EVER, there is not a man in the world can look at that and maintain an erection. Trust me.
I called husband to ask him.
me-"I saw myself from the back and i look really fat and ugly, how the fuck can you look at that when you have sex?"
husband-" Who says I look? "
me-"Fuck off" and I hung up on him.
I am very insecure now and can never let anyone see my fat dimply ass and square shaped bottom.
Posted: 16.01 Aug. 13, 2004
Spent the day panicking about ticket sales as usual, which was mental coz I had a full house!
Went along to Free Beer show last night and had at the Best Death on Stage I ever had in my life! That will bring my head into perspective.
Al Barrie and Paul Provenza had great fun, by the time I got on, they were quiet, drunk but nice.
I seemed to have got off on the wrong foot, only about nine of the 20 audience laughed, the others stared in disgust and disdain at me, which made me a mental person.
It was a bit like watching two men beat up a small child, then the small child stands up and pulls a needle out of his pocket and stabs the two men, you would cheer at that situation, even though it is weird and violent if you know what I mean.
I actually liked the odd feeling and kept going getting darker and darker..until I depicted a plastic blow up Nun who loves being stabbed in the eye with a wooden spoon ( you had to be there)
Even my phone died. I came off stage and it refused to work, I think I disgusted my phone, it hates me.
A woman came up afterwards and told me she had never laughed so much in her life, then a man came over and told me to leave Edinburgh as I was so shit I gave him a headache! Lovely!
Husband came through to see me today, nice. He had a handful of bills to be paid, so I will get sex AND shouted at! Wonderful!
Times (London broadsheet) journalist called me today and asked about my husbands family YET again..I am not disclosing who they are or what his real name is .
Laughed yesterday with the police outside the police office place on Royal Mile.
Me-Thanks for posing with pictures and letting me write Good Godley on your police van with chalk and letting me take a picture that was cool
Policeman- I hate the chalk you will need to clean it up when you leave Edinburgh
Me-Listen mate every thing I do I clean up behind me and leave no loose ends, trust me, come see the show
Policeman I read about you in the Scotsman, you are a criminal eh?
Me-No, Janey Godley has never been in trouble in her life I laughed at him.
Policeman- Yes but thats not your real name eh?
Me-No its not .goodbye
Policeman-Goodbye Good Godley
ALL said and done they are not all bad. Like Nuns there must be the odd nice one.
Posted: 18.30 Aug. 14, 2004
Had a great night last night, then husband came through from Glasgow to see me,he is a bit mad as has just realised that my show Good Godley is actually about his fucked up famliy, their penchant for weaponry, his aspergers syndrome and terrible affliction of dyslexia, he is really annoyed that I told people on stage each night that he shouts out binary numbers backwards when he fucks me...he is not happy.
He got told all of this on the train home last week by a punter who chatted to him the man mentioned that he came to see Janey Godley's show. My husband (through morbid curiosity asked him how it went, my husband has NEVER saw the show....YET! )
The man proceeded to laugh and tell my husband about the funny man Janey is married to and told my husband how i go on stage and let a big criminal secret out (husband knew about that and still is not sure if he approves, but its kinda too late now if you know what i mean)
husband now fed up with me and to add insult to injury shouted at me today in lloyds TSB Bank when he saw how much i spent on my VISA card, am considering making the crime I talk about each night even more dangerous and getting the police involved so he will be put away for ten years and I dont have to put up with his moany comments about my spending habits.
Or Maybe that is a bit too much eh?
Since i realised my super power of pigeon whispering...
Have tried in vain to entice pigeons to dance, I am the pigeon whisperer, but they all seem to ignore me now...I think i have lost the power.
Played on the comics versus critics footie game today, Miranda Hart and I spent a lot of time fighting with a sexy wasp that tried to lick us, pity i am not the wasp whisperer, I even tried wasp shouting and wasp swearing but the fucker kept annoying me.
I got tackled heavily at the goal mouth as a critic slammed into me and booted my leg, I was trying to defend the goalie, I have a big kick mark on me.
I am going to hunt him down and kill him.
Let me know if you watched the game and maybe know who it was.
I am off to get ready for me show!
Posted: 12.41 Aug. 15, 2004
Well Done Steve for putting that up for me, and thanks to a wee man called Brian who took that picture on his "Real Camera" for me and sent it as promised!
Ok all the bones and muscles in my body ache from playing football yesterday, I feel i have had violent jungle sex with Mike Tyson...my pelvis is so sore..
The show was good fun last night and i am so enjoying playing to big houses, last year I was playing to max of 20 people and sometimes just 3.
on the Gangster front...
I wrote about having a threatening phone call in the Big Issue column that I was writing, and a result....A few of my "Heavy Mates" from Glasgow called me to see if I wanted them to come through and "Guard" me as the show went ahead!
I said NO thanks, the last thing the Underbelly needs is a posse of Glasweigan nutters standing about staring at people.
I now have gangsters chasing gangsters! How bizzare!
Ashley fell asleep last night with all her make-up on as i looked in on her this morning she looked like a wee fuzzy sea creature, she managed to open one sticky black mascara-ed eye and ask "Mum can I sleep for hours and hours please?"
My legs hurt. My back hurts and I am NEVER doing footie again..
Posted: 14.23 Aug. 16, 2004
Had a lazy Sunday and went for a walk with Aspergers husband.
The Mosque down opposite GB was having an open day, there were lovely people outside offering us to come in read more about Islam and ask questions regarding their chosen religion.
Husband thought this was a great idea.
Husband-"Come on, they always get bad press, we can ask questions and we can get free tea!"
Husband loves free things being Scottish and stuff!
I wandered round and read some of the beautifully crafted Quo'ran stuff that was up (Hope i spelt that correctly was worried I had just advertised meat free stuff)
Husband strolled over to a bunch of Muslim women who were chatting enthusiastically to other people who were asking questions about their faith.
My husband can be very pedantic and abrubt, his aspergers syndrome doesn't help and he can sometimes come across as rude.
But I watched as he very gently eased himself into the conversation and quietly asked about the the equality between women and men in Islam.
All the women there loved this question and smiled and spoke at great length about the equality of the Koran and teachings of Islam.
husband-" Thanks for answering that, but why is it that Muslim men can marry outside the faith and not Muslim women?"
The womens voices raised up an octave and chatted quickly and gave her answer to this.
husband\" But thats not really equal then is it?"
They started to gather round him, I watched and smiled. If I had known there was a venue where i could take my husband and he would be given free tea and a chance to argue with other women i would have taken him sooner.
He then asked what they feel about homosexuality and is it respected in Islam.
The women's voices went up another octave as they spelled out quite loudly ( by this time I could hear them) about the un-natural-ness of homosexuality and how Islam dislikes and disrespects any homosexuality.
Husband-" Well thats wrong you should not stop people from being Muslim or reject them due to their sexuality"
A bigger argument ensued, the women were now shouting, and disturbing the lovely peaceful atmosphere which had started off as "Come in and ask us questions " had now descended into
"Are you a Homosexual?" one lady asked him "Is that why you stick up for them?"
Husband (now very pedantic)-"NO I am not homosexual and If I was I would have no problem telling you, but because I defend a group of people does not mean i am one of them does it?"
muslim woman-"Yes I think it does"
husband-"Are you a member of Al-Queida? I heard you say to that man earlier that you are not invloved in any violence but you can understand their struggle, does that school of thought, that if you stick up for a group of people you are one of them, also apply to you then?"
I actually heard my HUSBAND say the words AL-QUIEDA in a Mosque over a debate about homosexuals!
I walked outside, I waited for him to come out.
There he was smiling at me saying "They were lovely people, homophobic but made nice tea, I dont think they liked my questions, so I am going to go away and think of new ones to ask for next time"
Twenty five years of listening to his pedantic arguments, the Muslim women only had twenty minutes.....I think they got off lightly.
Posted: 11.58 Aug. 17, 2004
Lovely to see Alistair Barrie ( comic also doing a blog in this forum) back up my husbands "Gentle" approach with the muslim women, thanks Al, he was gentle and this is a nice compliment, all week he has been referred to as the "Glasgow Gangster" which implies he has neither an IQ nor a decent opnion. But to be fair, it is me that gives that impression as I talk about him on stage each night.
Was over the moon yesterday, I got the Fest best and Five stars for me show. Humbled and very touched I was. Thanks to ALL the people who keep giving me support and congrats..I do appreciate it and am currently wallowing in it to be honest as I have spent YEARS coming to Edinburgh and leaving WITHOUT a newspaper review EVER!
This is the first year I have had reviews now I get six in one week.
Ashley spent the whole night sewing by hand Toga's she is making for Underbelly Toga party, she can sew by hand like a wee wifey! She never got taught that by me!
Went to a Party last night by Brett- from Bound and Gagged comedy production crew, it was fun & loads of comics hanging out, I was enjoying the music until the police turned up. That was MY que to go..
Downstairs the police car sat empty, so Janice Phayre (female comic and all round nice girl) took a pic on her phone of me with tits out lying on the police car!
I know .....but it was too tempting!
It is now 12 midday and am off to the Loaded (glossy mag)Party...a midday affair...I never got in till 7am this morning, I am rock and roll.
Went to Harvey Nichols (fancy shmancy shop in Edinburgh) and got a facial, massage and bought £300 worth of perfume and cosmetics!
I may be old and tired but I smell nice.
I am considering buying a new bra in case getting my tits out becomes a regular occurence here in Edinburgh.
Met Jenny Eclair last night who asked me if my burgeoning bosom was a result of a pregnancy perhaps?
NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!
Posted: 14.04 Aug. 18, 2004
Spent the whole day trying to track down Janice Phayre to get the pic off her phone.....she has the EVIDENCE!
Met Raymond Mearns (top Scottish comic) who is in a sketch show at Gilded Balloon Caves, lovely meeting some of the home team, he was over the moon for me and kept congratulating me on the reveiws and reception the show has been getting.
It means so much more when it comes from a mate.
I do appreciate it.Had great fun last night, Copstick and I watched Mark Thomas do a quick set at a benefit gig last night at Bongo club down on Holyrood road.
Mark was lovely to chat to and laughed aloud when he saw on my mobile a picture of the poilce advertising my show, (see picture on this blog) especially when i told him the story of my show and how it ends (he wont be able to see it)
Walked home slowly and bumped into Paul Provenza ( tall funny American comic) who dragged me around a few bars and finally I went home.
Had bizzarre dreams all night and woke up screaming (again) Husband had to get me off the bed and into a sitting position,
I hate the dreams, having a good show and getting good press will never erase or make up for the shit and fear i suffer in my sleep.
I am a bit fuzzy headed today.
Then was woken by a London theater dude who had heard nice things about my show and is flying from London this week to come see it...
If he likes it I may be living in London for a while.
Husband does not travel with me and am now panicking again about sleeping alone..who will wake me when the nightmares come?
May become a slut and blame sleep problems on my "sleeping with strangers" habit!
Oh dear...that didnt end well did it?
Posted: 13.32 Aug. 19, 2004
Got a call to tell me that the List review is TWO * and slates me!
How good is that?
I live a fringe on a sea of four and five stars and then BAM!
Well you have to take the good with the bad everyone keeps telling me and I am actually cool,I have NEVER been reveiwed by the List before.
And to be honest the man who reveiwed me doesnt HAVE to like me.Last night went to the Gilded Balloon library bar and met the owner of The Stand -Jane McKay.
She wandered over to me and yelled " Even if you win the Perrier you will never get a gig at the Stand"
me-"Thanks, but I never asked for one, and by the way thanks for tipping me for the Perrier, you look amazing by the way, you suit the wieght loss!"
And she does look good! Good on her!
she is lovely for mentioning the Perrier, as she is well respected in this business and her opnion counts and she said that in front of two journalists, who were standing behind her.
I am just waiting on the newspaper writing
"Jane McKay tips Godley for Perrier!"
I left and went back to the funky top floor flat ( I am sorry if I rant about this penthouse but trust me it is georgous and i love it so much)
I put some of my favourite music on and opened the wall window.
I then went out and sat on the deck at 6am and cracked open a the last bottle of Crystal Champagne that was left over from Ashley's exam celebrations.
The city looked awesome in the dawn light, my husband lay sleeping in the room, Ashley dozed and coughed in her room and the gulls swung over head drowning out the noise of my music.
Life is good.
Posted: 11.35 Aug. 20, 2004
The two star thing really did bring me to earth with a bump!
Never the less my show still sold out!
I have been tending to my baby Ashley,(who is 18 years old, I call her my baby because I WANT TO OK?) she has developed Underbelly Lurgy Flu, lots of people have come down with it. The Venue used to hold dead bodies from the plague in the 14th century.
Ashley coughed and spluttered all night long and her breathing is shallow, but that wont stop her from smoking!
My best mate Monica ( she is 38 and is single, incase any regular reader has forgotten who she is, she lives in London but is Scottish) arrives in Edinburgh on Tuesday and am looking forward to fun adventures and being with her.
Was questioned no end last night by a journalist as to my husbands invlovement in his criminal family, i did my best to avoid all direct answers but he was very insistent.
Husband was sat beside me all the time and the journalist was unaware. Husband sat and laughed all the way through conversation.
He now understands what its like to be quizzed by someone other than police!
Show was fun last night, I had three more reviewers in and am sitting wondering if they liked or hated me.
Never mind, my daughter kissed my cheek at 6am this morning and told me she loved me as I held her head as she coughed.
Am planning big roof party.....watch this space.
Posted: 12.44 Aug. 21, 2004
I am totally disgusted, the Police want to be my friend.
They keep stopping me and asking me about the show and they now come to see it in droves!
Shit I dont like the police and dont want them as mates SO FUCK OFF!
I swear they are odd, two weeks ago as I chatted to them to let me write GOOD GODLEY on their wing mirror-one copper looked at me and actually started a story where he told me that he 'killed too many people' in Korea.
I looked at him as he leaned against his police van, the two coppers inside also looked at him.He just shrugged his shoulders as he spoke of his killing spree in the East.
me-"Is this going to be a long story, because I have realised its not about me and to be honest you look smug when you talk about killing Koreans and I like all stories to be about me and not some policemans power trip in a soldiers uniform"
The two policemen in the van just stared at him incredulously.
I laughed and added "As this is an observation vehicle this whole conversation has been taped, how cool"
The policemen looked at me smiled
Killy man just walked away.
Weird or what?
The show went fine last night a good sell out and had a reviewer in again.
I talk about a black man who lives inside my head and has sex with me at any convenient time, after the show a small white Scottish man asked me if that was racist and do black men in the audience feel offended?
behind him a tall black man spoke loudly to him " No mate it woul be racist if she said she fancied a small white man"
Went up to Gilded Ballon Libarary bar and met Scott Capuro who told me he tipped me for the Perrier in his Times column.
How nice but misguided!
The sun is out today, i am goin to see Henry Naylor's play 'Hunting Diana'
Ashley is in Glasgow for her mate Vickie's eighteenth birthday.
They will have spent two hours putting on glittery eyeshadow and fake tan, then danced for three hours drank fourteen purple alchoholic drinks and vomitted all over my carpet this morning back in Glasgow.....
oh to be young again!.......
Posted: 20.03 Aug. 21, 2004
Thank you to the man called " The black man in your head who loves you dearly" for sending me the giant bouquet of flowers....I am touched.
Who is he?
Do I know him?
Husband laughed at the gesture.
Underbelly staff joked saying to husband "You know half of Edinburgh loves her"
he replied "What is wrong with the other half are they stupid?"
Husband can say the right thing sometimes.
Went to see Henry Naylors play "Hunting Diana" it is fabulous, i loved it.
Sell out tonight for me, must go and make friends.
Posted: 13.55 Aug. 22, 2004
Last night a wee drug addict came stumbling up all the stairs to the White belly (venue I am in) he was clearly full of smack as he slurred and stammered his way over to the ticket collector.
"Excuse me missus, I huv lost ma ticket"
his glazed blue eyes wandered around the small entry to the room, he clocked me watching him intently.
Usher-" Did you lose your ticket?"
man-"Aye, a want to see this wumin" he points to the flyer of me in his hand.
He looked me right in the eyeand said-"Its a busy sell out eh?"
me-"No mate you are not coming in, you have not lost a ticket and you cannot dip or steal bags during my performance, I will tell you this though the Plesance has a big outdoor courtyard where plenty of people get drunk and leave their bags around, go there and steal"
him-" Thanks missus"
He wrapped his nylon jacket tighter around him and ran down the stairs.
Every time I see an addict full of drugs it takes me right back to the Calton, it takes me straight behind that bar talking to friends who are now dead....
The show went ahead, i had fun and no one's bag got stolen, hope the pleasance security had their eyes out for a blue nylon clad drug addled guy claiming to have lost a ticket to comedy shows!
Posted: 13.47 Aug. 23, 2004
rain rain everywhere!
I now have the cold and my nose is blocked and have to breathe through my mouth as I sleep, I know its attractive and I look like a spotty guppy fish as I sleep! But I dont care i need oxygen.
went to Mark Watson's 24 hour show and played Lady Macbeth! My starring role in Shakespeare!
The show is going fine and am loving it that so many of my comedy peers are coming to see it, I am flattered.
Ashley came back from Glasgow and slept like a wee chicken, those late nights are getting to her slowly. She may be 18 and fit but there is only so much dancing and drinking one person can do!
Husband goes home today, i will miss his quirky sense of humour and tea making abilities.
Ashley will now come and sleep in beside me, and kick me to death in her slumber..hoorrah!
Even as a baby she slept and squirmed in circles and did shapes of the zodiac signs all around the bed, kicking and slapping me as she went...she still does that...
am starting to wind down for going home as it wont be long now.
I have had a great time so far, I never believed this year would have been so good.
Dad called me yesterday to tell me he loved me and that even if i only ever a one star review I will always be a star to him.
I am lucky.
Wish my mum was alive, she would love stand up comedy. She was the funniest woman I ever knew.
Oh dear am getting melancholy....
Posted: 15.13 Aug. 24, 2004
have still got head cold.
I twisted my ankle on Underbelly cobble stones and thats a lovely feeling when that happens!
Weather is veering between rainy and sticky which is awesome!
Ran out of Milk and margarine, so Ashley could have neither tea nor toast, that made her easily the happiest girl in the world to deal with that early in the morning!
Husband is back in Glasgow and is on the phone explaining to me all the bills that have come in, he likes to do this and he knows that reminding me of how much I have spent bonds us both in a special way that can only be described as FUCKING CRAP!
Called my niece who tells me the update on baby ABI...baby Abi is walking and biting and being quite evil, she has stabbed her big brother with a dolls arm in his ear and she has grown two curls on each side of her cute baby head but it looks suspiciously like wee horns of the devil.
She is writing RED RUM in red crayon on all the walls and stabbed a dolls head in the eye with a knitting needle....NO that not true at all but we are waiting on it happening I am told by the baby's mother.
Life is going on all around me but being a sychophant and talking all ABOUT ME every day and reading reviews all ABOUT ME every day and going on stage talking all ABOUT ME every night has made me a fucking nutcase who needs to chill out and stop being crackers for one day.
Called my dad who told me all about his his new creoste fence, the whole conversation went on for hours but it wasnt about me so I stopped listening when I realised this.
Shame I could have learned so much about the heat of creosote and pliability of fence work and stuff...but ...not interested.
Ashley kicked me in the neck last night as she slept, I was going to complain to her but realised that in some way she was actually giving me attention so I stopped myself from moaning!
Posted: 17.00 Aug. 24, 2004
Personally am being massively pompous and refusing to use the word 'blog' for 'tis ugly. Having noticed however that you've managed to post on my diary, I thought I'd return the favour for the sole purpose of showcasing the new word I've invented. Yes kids, this is a 'blogjack.' Nobody move or the mice get it.
In the 'spirit of the Fringe' (winner of worlds most redundant concept award) I call upon all diarists to seize the day and blogjack now, like crazy motherfuckers, thus confusing everyone, and, more specifically, clouding the issue of whether more people have logged onto Robin Ince or me.
P.S. Sorry to use the word 'motherfucker' on your page. Us blogjackers can get pretty wild sometimes.
Posted: 11.15 Aug. 25, 2004
Monica finally arrived. i love having my friend here in Edinburgh, the only problem is...she shops a lot and I HATE THAT!
I go to a shop and buy stuff quickly and leave, she spends hours walking around looking at stuff and then tries lots of things on and I get very bored and turn into an attention deficit disordered toddler and shout for attention on me. I once licked a kettle in John Lewis in London. The man asked me to leave.
Ashley left the flat yesterday in a right mess, I had a big scream at her on the out door deck of the flat and frightened people who were on the ghost tour....they were being 'entertained' by the funny ghost who shouts 'Guardi luie' and I was SCREAMING at the top of my voice at Ashley about her disrespectful attitude and her slovenly ways till my throat hurt.
I could hear the tour guide telling everyone to be quiet as they all listened into my swearing. I may have been nominated for a SHOUTY AT CHILD award had the 'child abuse ' panel heard me....alas they were all away drinking with social workers as I threw a flip flop at my tall untidy child.
the flat is clean.
My throat hurts and I need to chill out again.
such is life.
Posted: 18.55 Aug. 26, 2004
Had great fun with mate Monica, we did the rounds last night, going from Gilded Balloon to Underbelly to assembly rooms...how much fun?
We spent the whole day yesterday eating and drinking.
Started off at Harvey Nicks for lunch....
During the third glass of champagne got told that FINALLY there is a woman on Perrier list!
Good on Sarah Kendall! Am well fucking happy that it is a good strong funny female and not a fucking whimsical girl they picked on as a sign of tokenism....am happy for Sarah, and thank everyone who tipped me for nomination...I was not surprised I wasnt nominated but thanks to all who supported me ..
Spent the day having lunch at Balmoral, had a fun day out with Monica's family and generally did nothing but shop and eat!
This festival has been great for me. i have had fantastic reviews, many stars, many offers and made many friends.
Ashley is tired and emotional and does not want it all to end. I do.
Posted: 13.24 Aug. 28, 2004
Hurrah..finally my Guardian review is OUT!
Its a lovely review.
I still cannot believe all the luck I have had with reviews.
I keep going on about it BUT I HAVE NEVER been reviewed in Edinburgh year in and year out except by Steve at Chortle.
So I am constantly stunned by it all.
This has been a great festival for me, I cannot quite take it all in.
Ashley is having a ball and was quite sick last night after eating something she was allergic to..(we dont know what)
Husband is having fun but stays in most nights as he is still not comfortable that I have told everyone he comes from a gangster family and they hid guns and explosives in the house.
Oh get this...an (not famous at all) Irish comic is telling anyone who listens that my whole show is a lie!
Yes...he heard that everything I say is not true, i was never abused, my mother was never killed, I lived a middle class life and I have made all this up!
God, how I wish my mum was here, what i would give to never have suffered abuse, I wish sometimes I could have lived a lovely middle class life.
But I am here now and I have never let it fuck me up, I made it work for me!
I am slowly packing to go home Monday, I have washed everything I own.
I want to stay here forever because its fun, next year I will be slaughtered....
Posted: 12.46 Aug. 29, 2004
well the Perrier party was odd.
So funny to watch all those comics and promoters stand around like a baby has just died in that VIP room and no one knows what to say!
Listened closely to the reaction of some people and was astounded to hear the amount of folk who would have 'refused' it on point of winning!
I sat outside at the food and table bit and watched Christian Slater leave...not without a shout form me of course!
me-"Good speech Christian"
Christian-" Thanks, did you mean that?"
me-"No, thats called irony"
I giggled -he giggled...see even Hollywood stars can raise a smile on a night where everyone else was horribly shocked and felt sick.
It was good others felt sick coz I got three helpings of sausage and mash!
Packed most of my stuff to go today. I have no idea how suddenly I need to buy a bag to get more stuff into?
How the fuck did that happen?
Had loads of people come to my show who read the blog!
I know this as I invite people in and thank them going out, I was taught this gesture at Swiss Finishing School in Glasgow! (joking)
Well, as I thank them going out (well they do pay around a tenner to hear me talk) some folk tell me they read the blog and like it!
Edinburgh looks odd this morning, I love it and need to go home tommorrow.
Posted: 19.58 Aug. 30, 2004
I had to drag Ashley from her sleep and make her pack up. I cannot believe it was four weeks ago we moved in to that flat in Old Fishmarkets close.
So much has happened since i hit Edinburgh that i find it hard to take it all in.
I also loved getting my own press tactics into gear (And they did work, trust me -tonight on Scottish BBC I saw Paul Gudgin talk about the fringe and in the background there on the wall was my chalk sign GOOD GODLEY!)
John Fleming (my editor and all round comedy friendly fairy godfather but not gay!) had been contacting press and all television people as early as November last year, so his early kick off did help the buzz
The show was great fun to do and am so happy so many people enjoyed it and the reviews were awesome. I am glad I stuck to my guns about doing a show that invloved murder and child abuse.
The buzz was helpful and had television, theatre, radio and others coming up with a few idea's about my career. I know 99% of that is all bollocks and shite but it is still nice to hear!
I loved seeing comics I admired in the audience, like Stewart Lee, Henry Naylor, Jenny Eclair, Noel Faulkener, Jude Simpson and many many more I am annoyed I forgot names BUT not forgetting my all time musical hero Dean Friedman!
(I know.!!!.do you still love me? Yes I still love you, you mean your'e not being nice?)
All in all it was my best Fringe ever.
Having Ashley with me was very cool, I am proud of her and the hard work she put in at the Underbelly.
I met Fred McCauley as I was leaving Ediburgh today and he congratulated me on my successful fringe run, he spoke at length about the times he had heard my name mentioned and about how cool the reviews were. I commented that I would have loved to have been a guest on his show...he smiled..said nothing...and smiled more.
I am allowed to wish eh?
Am now home, my washing machine is broken (husband did it) my tax forms are gathering, my ironing basket is full and I fell asleep and went straight inot nightmare scary mode.
"welcome home Janey" whispered the demon that lies beneath my bed and waits for me to be happy.
Posted: 23.01 Aug. 31, 2004
Home is good.
Woke up this morning and freaKed a bit as i was unsure of where I was for a minute.
The house smells funny, so i go around every corner and in every cupboard looking for the source of smell.
eventually found a wee damp musty cloth tucked in behind the under pipe at the sink in my bathroom. Seems Ashley tucked it there after she cleaned the house and thought to herself "Mmm now I must hide the damp cloth and see what happens"
I boaked (scottish for nearly vomit) and threw it in the bin.
I went off to pay my accountant and send off some bills etc...but first i swung by Bistro De Sud, this is my favourite haunt in the daytime. Dante and Gulliano are the two guys who wrote the opening music for my show, they used to be in GUN (Big Scottish rock group in early 90's).
Had me some nice coffee and got to chill out and chat for a while.
Ashley was all set to go back to Edinburgh for Underbelly staff party. She faked tanned her big legs and pulled on a mini skirt and skimpy top and came out to meet me carrying a big bag slung low from her shoulder on a big strap.
My eyes were drawn to her legs and there on the side where the bag was scraping her, was big BLACK DYE marks from the fabric of the cheap bag!
I was scared to tell her, but eventually had to, she was horrified and screamed in the street. I got her wet wipes and she scrubbed the marks off and then cried coz now her fake tan wont work on that bit so I got her fake tan wipes and wet wipes to fix her legs on the train to Edinburgh THANK FUCK I AM NOT YOUNG AND CARE ABOUT MY LEGS SO MUCH!
Husband called to meet me for lunch, we managed to drive out of town in the late summer sun and get to my favourite pub -The Carbeth Inn. It is set in beautiful countryside scenery at the foot of many big hills ( i dont know the names off but people go hillwalking there) It is just outside Drumgoyne and Milngavie.
We sat on the picnic tables and warmed ourselves in the strong sunlight and ate mussels and blew wasps off of our bread. Nice!
Husband planned to take me to Paris this weekend then he discovered his passport has run out and he has no time to get it fixed.
I suggested I go to Paris on my own, he agreed, I laughed and decided to stay at home with him.
I am going to see my daddy tommorow, I have not seen him since I left to go Edinburgh last month.
He knows nothing of comedy but followed my stuff in the press, he actually called me up yesterday and asked
dad-"Who is Jacksons way? Is he a good comic?"
me-"I dont know dad, i have never gigged with him, he is not really a stand up comic to be honest"
dad-"How did he win the Perrier then, is that not just shite?"
me-"Dad I dont know but his show was very good apparently, he got good reviews"
dad-" So did you, I checked you know"
me-"Dad, I wasnt nominated"
dad-" That's the fucking French for you Perreir shmerrier"
me-"Ok dad, see you soon, i love you"
dad-"You will always be the best comic in this family"
me-"Dad I am actually the only comci in this family"
dad-"No you are not, your brother thought he was Brayn Ferry for a while and your Uncle John desterted from the war to sing in pubs and sell guns"
me-" Ok thats nice, but that makes them weirdo's not comics Dad"
dad-"Yes but it is funny eh?"
So now I know the family is wierder than i thought!
My sister called straight after dad.
sister-" Who is that guy who won the Perreir, do you know him?"
me-"Fuck off, i cannot talk about this anymore"
sister" Touchy moody cow, s'not my fault some floppy English actor boy put on a better comedy show than you"
me-" Fuck off, you are annoying me now, he is a lovley guy, he was at my venue"
sister-" ahhahahaha...he was better and in the same room as you hahahah"
love being home.