Janey's Blogs - May 2004
janey
godley
Posted: 01.10 May 13, 2004
Thanks... am considering blog again as I have now finished writing
the book...well just a few wee re writes at bits now but the whole
thing is finally down on paper! hurrah
Got bitten by a cat today, It jumped from a hedge and bit my face! Wot more can happen this week?
janey godley
Posted:
12.31 May 13, 2004
Bought my tent and
sleeping bag and most importantly my Blow Up bed (self inflating of
course, i dont have that much hot air inside me!) all set for Glastonbury.
I am looking forward
to performing there.
John (my editor
and good friend) drove it down to London in advance for me (I cant carry
a tent etc on a flight when i go down in June).
John spent three
days here in my Glasgow flat,going over bits of the book that made sense
to me but not the world, it is his job to figure out what a 'sleekit
tumshie' is and translate it for the wider world of publishing.
I never actually
used that phrase...but i did tend to skip over some stuff including
the story about me and the explosives. As if by some weird warped comic
timing.... a huge blast h rocked our flat.
We looked at each
other and both of us went down stairs to see the what had happened.
My windows were
all blown shut and Ashley screamed as she was shaken in her bed, she
sleeps on a futon on the floor. My digital camera was low on batteries
but i still took a few images.
John and I were
horrified at the sight, it was like something from the old pictures
of the Blitz. Police were there and told us to stand back, so no one
could really help or take part in the rescue. I was in as much shock
as every other onlooker.
With some hope and prayers the remaining people buried there will come
out alive. This community I live in, here in Maryhill has been torn
apart already due to the fire that happened round the back from my home,
killing one woman and injuring many, the whole row of tenemnets had
to pulled down and this was only in January. Now a street away we have
the factory blast.
will chat tomorrow.
Janey
janey godley
Posted: 11.02 May 14, 2004
sunshine gone! Fuck
that was our summer.
Woke up weird coz
I heard a baby scream, i ran down my hall to check on MY baby! (she
is 18 and lying in bed supposed to be revising on her exam leave)
The baby scream
continued and i got worried I was having a Rosemary's baby 'moment'.
The screams continued...thought
i was going to fucking lactate....
I then realised
the noise was coming from the downstairs hall way, they have a toddler
over to stay.
My sleep pattern
is odd as always, i can never wake up and be coherent, I walk around
like a gibbersih fuck wit..till my brain accepts this is day time and
not sleep...
Last week my phone
rang at 6am, instead of ignoring it, my sleepy brain told me run and
answer it, my wobbly unco-ordinated body ran and crashed straight into
the kitchen door frame. I have bruises on my tits and knees, I am officially
the 'woman who walks into doors'
Went to see my baby
niece Abby, aged 11 months -she has two front teeth that have a big
gap between them, its so cute and she looks like SpongeBob Square Pants,
the family are hoping the gap closes, i think its funny and very individual.
It also helps her bite more, she bit my bruised tit yesterday...lovely!
Am trying hard to
get gigs organised for mt Glastonbury/London trip...still have some
dates free and that worries me as I like to work every night when I
am in London.
Must be getting
hormonal, sat in my daughters room chatting last night and was transifxed
by that really hot semi naked poster of Justin Timberlake, he was showing
off his tight six pack and had one hand slipped into the top of his
waist band (can u tell I studied it closely?)
wanted to lick
him. I went into a wee fantasy world, where i was slipping my hand into
his waist band when my daughter said "And thats when I knew I couldnt
catch herpes just by touching it"
"What?"
I jerked (not a good adjective I know) back into reality.
"Mum you werent
listening were you? i said that to stop you staring at my Justin poster"
I was caught, i
am a sad old cow.
After we chatted, i went to bed, fell asleep and throughly damaged Justin Timberlake, i cnat tell you how, it borders on porn. I am really a sad old cow,its official.
janey godley
Posted: 17.30 May 14, 2004
I have just reached an all time low in the Mother Hood stakes...
My daughter screamed
and clapped because BUSTED were performing on television. She told me
to get off the phone so she could hear it better....
I took my top off
and my bra and squeezed my tits up to the telly screen, Charlie from
BUSTED appeared to be biting my nipples as my daughter SCREAMED this
time in horror...
Thats what happens
when anyone tells me to shut up in my house!
She is crying as
I type this...social work will be called..but after my sexually deprived
session with Justin Timberlake in my dreams last night..fuck knows where
this is all going to end.??
Soon I will be one
of those old groupies that fuck tiny boy bands and take pictures of
their cocks!
Daughter has stopped
crying and is now threatening to have sex in my bed with a retard as
punishment and revenge on me...little does she know that she will just
be following in a long tradition of Godley women.
I am dressed again
but still giggling at her face as ger fav boyband licked my boobs!!!!!!
hehehehehehehe
janey godley
Posted: 17.35 May 14, 2004
is this BLOG ok
with you guys?
tell me if i am
being over indulgent
tell me if you hate
it
thanks
Angie P
Posted: 17.39 May 14, 2004
Janey I love it, I just fear for it's safety here, now your book is
more or less done do you dare put it on your website? I'll show you
how, it's very simple and people can comment too if you them too, like
mine. (which is nowhere nearly as entertaining)
mikebelgrave
Posted: 17.40 May 14, 2004
You really should blog this properly so I can put a link on my site
janey. Get the world to read it and fuck what your publisher thinks,
it's just further advertising for the biog. Very enjoyable by the way.
janey godley
Posted: 17.43 May 14, 2004
thanx Angie and
stop putting yourself down...you just dont have an eighteen year old
girl and aspergic husband to provide u with material!
I may put it on
my website but i like it here and dont really worry about about its
safety..remember most geniune posters on here are aware of keeping the
peace and being proffessiinal...everyone is scared to fuck someone off
in case next week they run a club!
I love that thread
of fear that runs throo the Chortle forum!
heheheheheheh come
on we all thought it..i just said it!
seriously thanks and i will continue...
janey godley
Posted: 19.43 May 15, 2004
went out to Loch Fyne today as the sun came out for a wee peek...the
place is beautiful..i sat and ate oysters by the Loch.
Remind me to organise
a trip for London comics when we all meet in edinburgh..to take you
all out to see some of the nicer places in Scotland..and only just an
hours drive from Glasgow..well that will be two hours if we leave from
Edinburgh...I know!
Thats if I have
time! We can call it THE COMEDY BUS TO LOCH FYNE!
see how I used my
imagination there?
I fell asleep when
i came home at 5pm (fucking hell I have turned into one of those old
people who need a nap if they had a busy day!)
I was dreaming about
21 Jump Street !!! remember that old 80's show with Jonny Depp? Fucking
hell..how did that get into my head?
Also I keep dreaming
i am smoking...which drives me mad as i dont want to miss the fucking
thing or even hanker after it, i want to keep dreaming about sexually
depraved nights with Justin Timberlake...and Jonny Depp!
Have a gig tonight
at Vault comedy club, thats if by 8pm it hasnt been cancelled ( 9 of
my gigs were pulled from this rather erratic club over a period of 8
weeks!)
Shame it was a good
gig to start with, all went a bit odd of late and I do wish it continues.
Ashley has been
raving about tv programme OC..apparently full of young hot guys she
tells me!
Bought new shoes
yesterday and despite the fact they are cutting my flesh to shreds like
some ancient Chinese torture device invented to cut the feet of harlots..I
continue to wear them.
I have blood soaked
feet but sexy heels...Yah..I love being a woman!
Next week i am going to buy a hat that slices into my skull and leaves me vulnerable to brain infection...but at least I look cute!
janey godley
Posted: 17.15 May 16, 2004
I have run out of
plasters for my toes and have decided the shoes can fuck themselves
if they really are 'Fuck me ' shoes!
I have thrown them
into the back of the wardrobe until i forget they hurt and one day in
September I will pull them out and say 'Why did i stop wearing these
lovely shoes?'
Woke up early and
sneaked outta the house, I left such a fucking mess behind from last
night-but we have a house rule here and that is
ANYONE BUT ME FUCKING
CLEANS THE FLAT AS I EARN THE MONEY... so bearing that fact in mind
I went out to a lovely cafe up in Ashton lane, spread out all my Sunday
papers and ordered breakfast.
I was served by
a cute spiky haired lanky dimply smiley boy, he poured my coffee and
adjusted the sunshade as my hot toast and sausages arrived.
I languidly made
it home after 3pm to a sparkly clean house with a white washing flapping
on the line...aaahhh the bliss of having a teenager on a pay as you
go scheme!
No housework done?
No money! I love it.
Husband had gone
shopping and filled the fridge, today nothing can go wrong? Domestic
bliss?
Watch this space!
HazelHumph
Posted: 10.56 May 17, 2004
Quote
(janey godley @ 19.43 May 15, 2004)
Also I keep dreaming i am smoking...which drives me mad as i dont want
to miss the fucking thing or even hanker after it
How long have you been not smoking Janey. I really am determined that this packet of amber leaf will be my last - but would be nice to hear how someone else managing to quit.
janey godley
Posted: 00.21 May 18, 2004
I am off fags for 10 weeks now and its good.
Woke up today to
discover there is no electricity in my home.
Shit!
I jumped out of
bed and ran half naked as I filled a chill bag with my food from the
freezer! I just got all that food yesterday..
I dash to the phone
to find out if
a) is my fault coz i never paid the bill?
b) is it their fault and can i claim copmo for my defrosted food?
Turns out it is
their fault so i have forms to fill in.
I decided I could not stay at home with no electricity..it would remind me too much of my childhood! Time to get out of the house! Watched Ashley sleep then got her up coz I wanted to go to Beach at Ayr. She was all moody and grumpy...God help the man she meets who may want early morning conversation.. We got on the train and was at the sea front for 10.30am!
The beach was lovley
and deserted, the sea was rough but the sun did shine through the strong
wind. I bought a wee "beach shelter" from Millets for £10
and we decided to put it up and sit on the sand for a couple of hours.
As soon as we unravelled the bright blue tarpaulin the wind caught it
and the "beach shelter" became the worlds biggest KTE
and dragged me into the sea. Ashley screamed with laughter as I fought
freezing waves and held onto the tent. I dragged my wet arse back up
the beach.... We failed miserabley to pin it down as the wind wipped
the sand into our faces, we were fucking exhausted after half and hours
fight. There were pensioners standing on the promenade laughing at us.
We eventaully lay on our coats and watched the sea and took in some
nice sunshine.
When we got home
Ashley unravelled the tent again and this time got it standing in her
mates garden and as I write this she is curled up in a sleeping bag
snoring away...her version of camping!
Fuck knows how i
will survive at Glastonbury?
Anyone out there good with erections?
janey godley
Posted: 13.22 May 18, 2004
Well Ashley spent the whole night in the wee beach shelter wrapped up
in a sleeping bag.
Good for her, I
always had her down as a wee spoilt privileged bitch..but she did it.
Albiet she was sleeping 'rough' up in her mates 80 foot private garden
with a heater pointing at them and staff to come in the morning to serve
the brekkie! How wonderful!
Ashley hates roughing
it, we went to Blackpool three years ago for a spur of the moment weekend
break. Ashley refused to stay in every B&B we looked at as the sheets
were 'cheap' or the room 'smelled funny' So our 'cheap' weekend was
spent in a suite at the Blackpool Hilton! Posh fucker....
Today is a laid back day, i am going to watch DVD's and eat my body weight in chocolate. Ashley is on study leave for her Advanced highers, so she can do the ironing.
janey godley
Posted: 13.31 May 18, 2004
Hazel i never got to answer you properly so here goes..
I decided to stop
smoking and told NO ONE>>> i bought a wee nicorette inhalator
as that worked before for me.
I just put a nicotine capsule in it and it lasts three weeks! I dont
suck on it like a fag, i kinda chew it and twiddle it in my fingers.
I love not smoking, i did like smoking but hated being a smoker..that
smell and the sore lungs and at nigts my arms were going numb and in
the morning i could not open mail as my hands would not work properly!
so i decided to give up.
I cannot tell YOU how to do it or what reasons you need to give yourself...so best of luck.
HazelHumph
Posted: 13.42 May 18, 2004
Thanks Janey!
I did manage to
give up for 6 months last year without using anything, but ended up
chain smoking cigars after a couple of friends died in the same month.
Enough was enough so back on the baccy. I really do like having a ciggy
to hold on to - and managed to even convince myself that that nice crusty
cough was just another way of reminding myself that I'm alive. But I'm
surrounded by more and more non-smokers and it's so inconvenient having
to take my handbag everywhere just to carry my tabs in.
So a grand total
of 1 and a bit days so far (I refuse to go into hours - it's too sad).
I've been laughing like a drain at your latest blogs though. The beach incident sounds like something destined to happen to me!
janey godley
Posted: 20.13 May 18, 2004
good on all of you who want to stop smoking!
I dont want to sound
like some fucking anti- smoking Christian here so...
Punch a NUN a day...is
my new motto.
U will eventually hit one that terrorised a woman in the 1950's over a sink full of dirty laundry!
janey godley
Posted: 22.02 May 19, 2004
fucking hell...i have a drama.
The flat in Edinburgh
that I rent every year and was all set to return to this year is now
not available.. I panic and scan the web and panic more and shout, then
contact Bound and Gagged (they are producing my show this year) and
Nigel calms me down explaining he can get me a flat.
I get antsi and
keep searching on the web and find A FLAT IN EDINBURGH WITH UNDERGROUND
SWIMMING POOL!
I want it I want it I want it..
it is £600
a week but I want it..so does Ashley!
Husband sits patiently
with calculator and explains that unless I am working as a part time
massage parlour hooker, who can sell at least five hand jobs and five
blow jobs at £10 each ( I am not very good at either) a day making
around £100, then I will be exceding my Fringe budget and making
him twitch.
I start looking
on web for part time jobs in massage parlour.
At least there will
be reviewers and press that I can finally make 'come' to my show! (boom
boom)
Accept defeat and
break news to Ashley who asks
"How hard is it to do hand jobs?"
me-" Not hard
at all, go practise"
Ash-" No chance
thats evil, i was talking about you"
So then her and
I debate the morals of ME selling myself and husband threatens to vomit.
Ashley's entire
knowledge of sex hinges on the Porn novel one of her 'posh' friends
from school gave her as a birthday present. She thought it was hilarious
and sat in the car reading it and kept asking her dad
"Dad do you
call your penis a 'manly shaft?'
"Mum do you
'stroke his pumping throbbing weapon?'
this went on until
husband banished book from all topics of discussion.
Unfortunately 'Manly
Shaft' did not leave her vocabulary and now when she is annoyed she
shouts "Shut up dad or I will kick your manly shaft"
So unless i become
rich in the next week I will be staying in a wee flat and not the wonderful
house with indoor pool/jacuzzi
I want that house.
Am off to practise hand jobs....may as well try.
janey godley
Posted: 22.46 May 20, 2004
Hurrah, I have broadband!
I am very pleased
with myself...no more fucking waiting for ages to download stuff.
Got up early and
made my way to Grangemouth to visit my big brother Jim..who is called
ny all who know him..MIJ...yes u guessed its Jim backwards! Mij has
had heroin and various addictions problems in his life and he is HIV...but
fear ye not....Mij is cool and does not suffer much from anything other
lack of drugs. His flat is a shithole as always, Mij can move into any
home and trash it in days..I have no idea how he does it but it scares
me and reminded me of how i lived as a child. His toilet was fucking
awful and the bath has stagnant water in and is blocked...so i shouted
at him for a while then realised that Mij is never going to be clean
and i need to get over it.
So we sat and chatted
and laughed about old times, he looks after his three grandchildren
as his duaghter (my Niece) has various issues (i wont go into it)
His wee grandchildren
are cute there is a girl aged 10 and twins (a boy and a girl) aged 8.
Mij is so funny
with the kids and they all adore him, my own daughter loves him and
as a toddler screamed to live with him and play in his house (No chance!)
Mij is just a big kid and the love of his kids touched me deeply. They
call him Dad..as he has helped raise them, both he and his daughter
were and are single parents.
I love him so much
and I told him I talk about him in my act, especially when he thought
he was Bryan Ferry in 1975.
He laughed his ass off and told me he doesnt care what i say and took
me into his room and showed me his wall.
Every Fringe Poster of mine was up there and all the press cuttings
he could muster was stuck on his wallpaper.
I gulped and felt very emotional, i forget how bleak his life is at
times but he always cracks a joke...
He is proud of me he told me and I promised to visit him more and keep in touch and try to do more for him. This can be difficult as he is very destructive and chaotic and it sucks the life from you helping him....but he is my brother and I would rather have him than Bryan Ferry any day.
janey godley
Posted: 22.50 May 20, 2004
latest instalment last page BTW....I am setting up my blog onto a website
soon...will keep all interested people informed
birdy
Posted: 10.15 May 21, 2004
It's been great reading Janey - and pretty brave when you consider how
many people wouldn't have the nerve to be as open.
Having a proper blog is a great idea - it will take a wee while to get going, but you can be sure that it will attract a lot of visitors before long. There are a million blogs out there, but so few have any real life about them.
janey godley
Posted: 15.38 May 21, 2004
thanks Birdy...but I intended it to be real and honest.
janey godley
Posted: 16.31 May 21, 2004
I tried to post a pic here but failed!
AARGGHHHH u will c it soon as poor BIRDY is trying his best to do it
for me.....
Alan Driscoll
Posted: 16.34 May 21, 2004
Word of warning - don't ask Janey to do you a psychic reading over Messenger unless you want to spend the afternoon in a state of disturbed confusion.
HazelHumph
Posted: 16.35 May 21, 2004
Quote (Alan Driscoll @ 16.34 May 21, 2004)
Word of warning - don't ask Janey to do you a psychic reading over Messenger
unless you want to spend the afternoon in a state of disturbed confusion.
That sounds great.
Can I have one please
Janey. If you're not busy.
hazelhumphreys@hotmail.com
Thanks!
p.s.
does this mean I am the uber geek now Birdy?
birdy
Posted: 16.35 May 21, 2004
now it works...
janey godley
Posted: 16.37 May 21, 2004
thanks birdy amd
thanks Alan!
I do psychic reading
for over ten years now...some people on here will know this others wont...i
dont always talk about it and YES Hazel..I will do a reading when I
next meet you, I dont want to do it over the net...too hard.
Where the fuck is my picture?
janey godley
Posted: 16.38 May 21, 2004
well done Hazel...how did u do that?
HazelHumph
Posted: 16.40 May 21, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 16.38 May 21, 2004)
well done Hazel...how did u do that?
Have to admit it
was luck and ignorance Janey. I used Steve's Image button and posted
the name in. Just lucky it isnt really massive.
Cheers - will pop up to Glasgow before end of the year so hopefully will get to say hello to you.
birdy
Posted: 16.42 May 21, 2004
Quote
(HazelHumph @ 16.35 May 21, 2004)
does this mean I am the uber geek now Birdy?
you had a moment
- don't let it go to your head!
Janey, your inbox is full...
janey godley
Posted: 19.57 May 23, 2004
well just got back from gig in Liverpool, and then spent the whole day
in Morcambe...it was lovely and I am sunburnt...fucking evil English
sun!
Gig in Liverpool
is fantastic I love the Laughterhouse and wee Pat Monaghan stormed the
gig, even though he has a sore throat and now sounds like a dirty wee
man...hehehehhe..
I am back on my
shitty diet as really I joke not my knickers are cutting into me and
I dont intend to buy more underwear...in bigger sizes!
If my tits get any
bigger i swear to fuck i will be shagging Gareth Gates.
If i dont lose this
weight for Edinburgh I am going to live under the sea.
I need to stop eating
and stopping smoking has done nothing but put a stone on me, ok I have
clean lungs and dont smell, but I cant breathe coz the weight is crushing
me!
Have to sign off as my fingers are too fat for keyborsd and keep getting ytpos
janey godley
Posted: 13.57 May 24, 2004
Still on the evil diet from hell.
Got a note from
my editor last night, i had to re write the part in my book that deals
with the actually sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I have no qualms
about talking about it and have long since dealt with the issue...but...last
night in the wee small hours..as I sat here and started to detail and
describe the actually events...well I felt awful.. Not just for me but
for everyone who knows me who may read this, they will feel bad for
me and feel sorry and possibly feel sick.
It did really bring it all back in quite a strong way. I forgot how
small i was as a wee girl and forgot how he smelt, and forgot the pain
and fear..
The good news is..its
all done but I did feel a bit vulnerable as I crawled into bed at 4am.
Luckily and thanking heaven..I had no dreams.
janey godley
Posted: 15.17 May 24, 2004
sorry if that put anyone in a downer!
will be funny tomorrow....promise...tales of talking horses and dead
clowns.
HazelHumph
Posted: 15.18 May 24, 2004
To be honest Janey it just put a lot of things into perspective for
me, so many thanks.
janey godley
Posted: 23.38 May 24, 2004
thanks Hazel..
janey godley
Posted: 17.58 May 25, 2004
Paid loads more bills today...I cannot fucking believe living costs this
much.
My VISA spending is getting out of control and I now see why my husband
moans a bit.
I buy all Ashleys clothes, shoes, school fees,hairdressing stuff, toiletries,
holidays,fags, make up and all her leisure activites as well... She is still
at school currently but I am considering selling her to any weirdo who may
want to buy a big tall Scottish sexually inexperienced, educated sarcastic
teenager.
She may fetch a few thousand quid, who knows? She is staying with her friend
over the exam leave time. She is supposed to be studying, but they run out
of cash every two days and she comes home looking stanger each time. Last
Night when she arrived, I swear she has got taller (if this could be possible)
she has a total all over deep tan? When asked how, she answered
"Fake stuff we found in Lucy's mums toilet"
She has long manicured pointy fancy nails. When asked how, she answered
"Fake stuff we found in Lucy's mums toilet"
"Did you find anything else fake there you want to tell me about?"
I asked
"Yes, a fake penis, all rubbery and odd, do you have one?" She
smiled.
"No, why would I need a fake cock?" I asked.
"Well, in case you didnt want to talk to dad but still wanted sex"
she laughed.
"Who says I need to speak to him to fuck him" I laughed back.
She has loads to learn, one of them being that there is no point in trying
to "shock" me!
janey godley
Posted: 13.56 May 26, 2004
After my long imposed starvation, i have finally lost 2lbs! I am fucking
gutted, the pain and depravation that i have been through would surely justify
me having lost at LEAST 8lbs?
I hate this...
Ashley is still staying at her mates house and I am missing her terribly,
she seems to be suffering our separation too well, so I thought I would
call her and really annoy the happy child (well if I am upset why not everyone
else?) I called her..
"Hello babes, how you?" i spoke
"Fine Mum, you ok?" she answered with a voice that told me she
had smoked at least 300 cigarettes in one night.
"Well I am ok but Snooie (her childhood teddy that she adores and has
been left in her bedroom) is ripped to pieces, apparently all the other
teddy bears and soft toys kicked the shit out of him, coz you ignore them
and he is the favourite, you left him to their mercy, that evil looking
ballerina with the legs like tweezers, stuck her pointy leg up his ass"
"Mum!" she screamed "Dont even joke about that, i never took
Snooie with me incase Lucy's cat scratched him, please do me a favour and
take him in beside you and dad, but please turn his wee head away if you
have sex, he has never seen that before" she giggled.
"Oh really?" i laughed in an evil manner!
Only Ashley and I would laugh at a sex and violence story that involved
a teddybear....and thats why I miss her.
janey godley
Posted: 16.57 May 26, 2004
Oh Dear have had a few emails telling me to quit this thread..(Not Mr Bennett
or anything official,) just a few people saying its shit and a bit over
indulgent....
Am not sure whether to give in or carry on..is it really bothering people
that its on here?
Tell me I will listen !
Thanks to all who also send messages of support but I suppose we always
take the more critical emails to heart as opposed to praise..
Ouch..Im hurt!
birdy
Posted: 17.00 May 26, 2004
Keep it up Janey. Fuck those nay-sayers in the ear with the leg of a
plastic ballerina!
Yozza
Posted: 17.00 May 26, 2004
I like this thread. Keep it I say.
Rich
Posted: 17.01 May 26, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 19.57 May 23, 2004)
Gig in Liverpool is fantastic I love the Laughterhouse
thanks Janey - we love you too!
Rich
Paulie Paul N.
Posted: 17.04 May 26, 2004
It is a bit odd, but if people don't want to read it nobody's forcing them.Well
if they are, that's not right and they should stop.
Perhaps Steve could start a new section and then we can all keep Daily Blogs.
I've just had a kingsize Twix.
Has anyone seen Mickey D's bonce? Haha, looks like a Short Paul Weller Tribute
(sorry Mickey).
I'm not suppose to drink on these tablets, you know.
janey godley
Posted: 17.07 May 26, 2004
Yeah!
Thanks everyone...fuck em...I will keep writing and if these people dont
like it they can go suck my hairy armpit.
Birdy is right...anyone for a ballerina leg in the eye?
superfurryandy
Posted: 18.33 May 26, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 16.57 May 26, 2004)
Oh Dear have had a few emails telling me to quit this thread..(Not Mr Bennett
or anything official,) just a few people saying its shit and a bit over
indulgent....
I find it interesting and human, and you have a very accessible writing
style. Why people choose to complain about it I don't know - shouldn't they
be writing to Points of View or something?
janey godley
Posted: 19.36 May 26, 2004
thanks ALL....will keep going.
Angie P
Posted: 19.41 May 26, 2004
Good, you're inspiring me in many ways Janey.
Alan Driscoll
Posted: 00.49 May 28, 2004
Janey, what was the name of that Mark Germino song you were after, I'm getting
some results on Soulseek now.
Okse
Posted: 01.32 May 28, 2004
There's nowt wrong with this thread! It's a good read. I'm control c-ing,
control V-ing.
Keep it going Janey, it's fucking good stuff! scuse my French and all that!
Looking forward to the book.
janey godley
Posted: 12.13 May 28, 2004
Thanks all..
Husband and I decided yesterday to go to the beach in Eile, near St.Andrews.
It was a good day and since I cannot have this weekend off as planned (am
doing last minute Glasgow Jongleurs MC, some one dropped out and has gone
to the beach for the weekend)
We decided to have a nice day out.
Husband packed car and took Snooie (Ashleys favourite bear) and put him
in back seat.
"Why are you taking him with us?" I asked.
"We are picking Ashley up on the way to come with us and she demanded
I bring her teddy, God knows why she needs to see it, she is eighteen"
he answered.
I did not want to tell him I had been threatening her teddy bear, but I
was excited to see her, its only been three days since she visited me- but
I miss her terribly.
I spotted her standing at the the wall of her mates house, we slowed down
and she threw all her bags into the boot and climbed quickly into the back
seat and hugged her wee tatty brown bear.
"Dont worry Snooie i wont let the bad witch touch you" she whipered
as kicked my back through the seat.
We arrived in Elie around 1pm, the sun shone on the deserted beach, it was
just perfect.
After our picnic Ashley sat like a wee child and dug a huge hole in the
sand and made a castle with shell decorated walls. She was so busy singing
away as she dug in the sand I forgot she was eighteen and I fleetingly missed
her being a five year old. As I looked at her and she was like the wee girl
who used to come here in a Mickey mouse swimming costume and run into the
ocean screaming with laughter. Time goes very quickly. I wondered if she
would one day bring her kids to this beach and sit and watch them.
Must stop being maudlin and reminicent, although it is hard to do that sometimes.
This is the beach my mum used to bring me to when I was five. If I try hard
I can remember her standing at the ocean trying hard to coax me into the
sea and stop being afraid of seaweed.
"Come on Janey, its only seaweed, it cant bite ye" she would shout.
"Am scared of the flies on it Mammy" I would scream as the black
evil looking bluebottles would buzz against my legs as i tried to hop over
it.
She would pick me up and carry me over the sea weed, I loved swimming in
the sea, my mum loved swimming with me. Its hard to realise that was how
she eventually died.
Drowned in the River Clyde.
I go back to looking at Ashley....she is looking at me..
"You ok Mum, you looked far away there?" she smiled at me.
"Yeah, I was just remembering being here as a child" I told her.
She smiled again and said "Are you still scared of sea weed?"
"A bit" I told her.
"Dont worry if you want to go dip your toes, I will carry you over
it" she laughed.
And she meant it.
janey godley
Posted: 16.15 May 28, 2004
Ashley is now off on a ferry to work for the weekend in Rothesay. Its a
wee island off Wemyys Bay on the west coast.
She so going to work the bar in her Uncle's hotel and follow in the family
tradition of working in bars. Well she already followed in my last job and
did stand up at age 11 -14 dont see why she should not follow in her fathers
footsteps and become a bar worker!
She will be good at it I think as she loves chatting and is good with people.
She was brought up in a bar up until she was eight years old. She could
pour a great Guinness and stock shelves even at Three! I have a great picture
of her at age one pouring a pint!
So she is looking forward to getting back into the 'trade'. We owned a bar
for 15 years and sold it ten years ago. I do miss it and to this day no
matter where in the world I am, I awake at 10-50am each morning and panic
about getting the bar opened at 11 O'clock! It never leaves me. We used
to live above the bar and I would go down in pyjamas and clean it with Ashley
as a wee toddler emptying ashtrays and dancing to the jukebox each morning.
I am still on the diet and despite if i lose NO weight at ALL for Edinburgh
I demand that every one who reads this comes up to me and tells me how slim
I look and how nice i smell since i gave up fags.
I NEED SOMETHING from this self imposed fucking HELL..
ok calm now...have a nice Bank Holiday weekend all!
janey godley
Posted: 16.17 May 28, 2004
oh bye the way I have a guest book on my website now...
Nick P
Posted: 16.22 May 28, 2004
One of the few indispensable bits of Chortle, this thread. Gorbless
ya Janey. Have a splendid Bank Holiday.
And everyone else.
Paulie Paul N.
Posted: 18.39 May 28, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 12.13 May 28, 2004)
Thanks all..
Husband and I decided yesterday to go to the beach in Eile, near St.Andrews.
It was a good day and since I cannot have this weekend off as planned (am
doing last minute Glasgow Jongleurs MC, some one dropped out and has gone
to the beach for the weekend)
We decided to have a nice day out.
Husband packed car and took Snooie (Ashleys favourite bear) and put him
in back seat.
"Why are you taking him with us?" I asked.
"We are picking Ashley up on the way to come with us and she demanded
I bring her teddy, God knows why she needs to see it, she is eighteen"
he answered.
I did not want to tell him I had been threatening her teddy bear, but I
was excited to see her, its only been three days since she visited me- but
I miss her terribly.
I spotted her standing at the the wall of her mates house, we slowed down
and she threw all her bags into the boot and climbed quickly into the back
seat and hugged her wee tatty brown bear.
"Dont worry Snooie i wont let the bad witch touch you" she whipered
as kicked my back through the seat.
We arrived in Elie around 1pm, the sun shone on the deserted beach, it was
just perfect.
After our picnic Ashley sat like a wee child and dug a huge hole in the
sand and made a castle with shell decorated walls. She was so busy singing
away as she dug in the sand I forgot she was eighteen and I fleetingly missed
her being a five year old. As I looked at her and she was like the wee girl
who used to come here in a Mickey mouse swimming costume and run into the
ocean screaming with laughter. Time goes very quickly. I wondered if she
would one day bring her kids to this beach and sit and watch them.
Must stop being maudlin and reminicent, although it is hard to do that sometimes.
This is the beach my mum used to bring me to when I was five. If I try hard
I can remember her standing at the ocean trying hard to coax me into the
sea and stop being afraid of seaweed.
"Come on Janey, its only seaweed, it cant bite ye" she would shout.
"Am scared of the flies on it Mammy" I would scream as the black
evil looking bluebottles would buzz against my legs as i tried to hop over
it.
She would pick me up and carry me over the sea weed, I loved swimming in
the sea, my mum loved swimming with me. Its hard to realise that was how
she eventually died.
Drowned in the River Clyde.
I go back to looking at Ashley....she is looking at me..
"You ok Mum, you looked far away there?" she smiled at me.
"Yeah, I was just remembering being here as a child" I told her.
She smiled again and said "Are you still scared of sea weed?"
"A bit" I told her.
"Dont worry if you want to go dip your toes, I will carry you over
it" she laughed.
And she meant it.
Godley takes the torch from Cutler and keeps running!
Happy Banking All!
janey godley
Posted: 18.22 May 29, 2004
Had great fun last night doing MC at Glasgow Jongleurs, the crowd was slightly
smaller than usual but thats because Bank Holiday takes Scottish people
off to the coast for a few days!
Ashley is enjoying her bar work over in Rothesay, she worked till 3am and
told me her feet hurt and bar work is hard. I laughed and reminded her that
i did it for 15 years 365 days a year and I managed it pregnant as well.....so
i know how much it hurts your legs.
She told me to shut up and stop reminding her how much I am superwoman...
I lay in the dark smiling thinking about her lying in her bed knackered
from running up and down a bar, then I remembered how fucking weird and
inbred the people of Rothesay can be and maybe one of the fucked up residents
will fall asleep smoking and set fire to the hotel and Ashley may be on
the fourth floor and her Uncle cuts corners on everything and smoke alarms
wont be there and she will die in a horrible fire!!!!!
So I text her quickly and told her to check for a fire plan and escape and
not to smoke in her bed and make sure she knows how to get outta the hotel
in a hurry...I sent this text at 4am !
She text me back immediately saying....
"Mum, can i set fire to the bed whilst smoking crack ? NO I cant...so
there and anyway I am lying here with a cute 27 yrd old buff man who will
rescue me in any emergency"
I read the text in the darkness and laughed aloud.
Then I text her back..
"Hahah Funny girl, I just get worried I am your mother ok?"
She then called me and told me
"Mum, I am cool, I am on the first floor, I am too exhausted to smoke
and if this hotel catches fire then trust me I will run into the sea and
watch it burn slowly to the ground taking all the wierd islanders with it..now
go to sleep"
I hate her growing up this fast, I want her to be small again and needing
me to put her hair in bunches and tell her a story about fairies who dance.
I fell asleep and dreamt all night about having more babies...this panicked
me no end and made me realise that not only is she grown up but I will never
have any more babies, i will never be pregnant again..it was a strange feeling
to recognise this.
I mean i am not menopausal but I believe i have no time nor real desire
to be a mother again.
I asked my husband if he ever felt like he wanted to be a father again to
which he replied..
"Well my next wife will be younger so I suppose yes, i would like to
be a father again" he smiled at me as he sucked in his stomach as if
his imaginary new younger wife was watching from a distance.
I knew he was joking but I can never recall me even asking him if he seriously
ever felt like having more children.
so i did.
"Would you really like another baby?" I spoke quickly.
"Sometimes I did in the past but I knew you never and so I never thought
about it" he let his wee paunch back out.
I am getting old, I need to stop worrying about controlling everyone in
this family and let them get on with it.
I have realised one thing I will always be Ashley's mother but she does
not need mothered every day....sometimes she has to do it alone.
I was married when I was her age and never spoke much to my mother around
that time as I was so busy with my life....maybe I am scared Ashley will
leave me behind the way i left my Mum...and now live to regret it.
janey godley
Posted: 19.07 May 30, 2004
Ah ...Sunday at last.
feel as though this weekend was never going to reach an end. Yet we still
have Bank Holiday Monday to go! Ashley is staying in Rothesay for one more
night and is horribly annoyed that i forgot to video tape OC. Oh well her
Dad taped the last episode of Friends for her. I watched it the other night
and did feel a bit of sadness that it is all over. I did laugh at it.
Jo Jo Sutherland was in the short slot at Jongleurs last night and did a
storming set, despite a rowdy Glasweigan bank holiday crowd (which i managed
to control I may add, my pub skills have neve gone to waste when crowd control
is required!) She kept it sharp and finished good. Am proud of her..well
done Jo Jo.
Fell asleep late last night and went straight back to my childhood home
and tried hard to scrub the kitchen sink.
I have this recurring dream of cleaning this old smelly stanky sink....I
get so distressed in the dream and am looking for any kind of cleaning products.
My Mammy was there watching me, as always her dark hair pulled back and
her intense stare went through me as she laughed that dirty throaty laugh
I remember so well.
"Janey, leave the sink, come here an' let me see you, its been a while
since i saw you" she told me.
I try not to look at her, I keep my head down and keep cleaning. My childhood
home was very dirty and I go back in my dreams sometimes to feed the old
dog and sometimes in dreams I go back to clean the kitchen or toilet.
"Janey, come here" my mammy keeps talking.
I dont want to see her, I know what happens in the dreams, its always the
same. I hold her and look at her and smell her and laugh with her but I
know that soon I will wake up and miss her so much that my soul feels like
lead and I have to drag that pain around with me all day. Its like a cruel
wierd trick, my heart and brain are tricked into being with her but as soon
as I open my eyes..... I dont want to spend fantasy dream time with her
if I cant see her all the time.
All or nothing.
Dreams are not all they cracked up to be.
janey godley
Posted: 00.09 May 31, 2004
Well so much for planning a night out at the Cinema. I tried hard to book
a ticket by phone throo the automated phone line for UGC cinema's.
I got through a lot of the options and made my choice for "The Day
after Tommorow" then the autovoice asked me.......
"How many tickets would you like to buy?"
I said clearly into the phone " One"
Robot voice answered "You appear to have chosen none, could you please
tell me how many tickets you want to buy?"
I now shout clearly "ONE"
Robot voice " You have chosen to buy NINE tickets for todays showing
of " The Day after Tommorow"
I hang up and swear a lot at the fucking phone and then go online to get
my ticket as nine o'clock is drawing near and thats the start time.
After finally getting my ticket confirmed and grab the email confirmation
number and my credit card that has to go into the machine when I get there,
I run to the cinema.
The place is fucking heaving, I push my way to the machine and snigger as
I love avoiding queue's and wonder why everyone else doesn't do the credit
card online booking. As soon as I put the card in, the machine reads it
then tells me that i HAVE NO TICKETS BOOKED and should go to box office.!!!!!
I look at the queue that stretches round the building and scream at the
machine (remember i have stopped eating and stopped smoking and am in the
middle of my period!) I run to the nearest ticket seller and demand he works
out my situation as I dont fucking intend to wait the queue as thats why
I fucking bought the ticket online in the first place.
"Hey wait the queue missus" some Burberry capped fuckwit shouts
from the line.
"Shut up or I will bite ya, the machine is fucked and I am not waiting
ok" I snarled and spat.
People stood back and treated me like Glasgow's first suicide bomber.
The manager came down and quickly passed me a ticket and pointed me to the
lifts.
Finally seated but still slightly snarling I get my favourite seat and settle
down for a good movie.
Within minutes a couple sit right beside me and within minutes of the movie
starting they start to snog and she gets her hand into his open fly! They
are practically fucking beside me!
They took a wee breather and I snuck a glance at the guy and realised that
he was an old customer of mine from my pub days...
I turned away and ignored them. Then just as New York starts to get the
snow storm from hell, they go at it again.
I had two minds to lean over to the female and say...
"Hey, watch him, he used to fuck men as well as women and he had a
near death infection of hepatitis, not that that would make him a bad guy
but make sure you dont swallow!"
But then I never actually said it, i just squirmed in my seat as they licked
each others face. I cant remember ever paying for a cinema ticket and then
spending the time ignoring the film to snog...fuck that..get a room.
By the way the film was ok...the effects were great but the sound effects
I had at my side were slightly distracting!
scottish jojo
Posted: 13.01 May 31, 2004
janey, your inbox is full
janey godley
Posted: 13.09 May 31, 2004
Thanks just emptied it.
Am currently doing some press to get some crowds into
GROVEPARK DISASTER FUND RAISER-SATURDAY JUNE 5TH & 6TH
WINTERSGILLS BAR
226 GREAT WESTERN RD
GLASGOW
0141 333 3532
All cash raised to Grovepark Disaster Fund in aid of victims and their families
of the factory blast.
Saturday 5th June
2pm- Sponsored walk by staff
7pm –late at Wintersgills
Charity chest waxing, head shaving, raffles including Mountain bikes, Busted
tickets and a whole host of locally donated prizes.
Stand up comedy
Firefighters who were at the disaster are coming along to lend support and
be shaved for charity.
Wheel of Fortune
Karaoke all night.
Hopefully any Scots/Glasweigans who see this may come along and lend support
on the night.
Thanks all.
superfurryandy
Posted: 19.31 May 31, 2004
I've got a coupla mates up in Glasgow - I'll let 'em know.