Janey's Blogs - August 2005
the 1st of August 2005
say Fuck to the public
in the newspapers today that TV Hypnotist Paul McKenna has been training
Scottish hotel staff to be friendlier to their paying
public, as we Scots are known for our shit service. Can
you believe that we need a hypnotist to teach us to be nice to people
who are using our services?
though I cant imagine how Paul McKenna would have treated
my old staff back in that Pub in the East End of Glasgow, no amount
of eye staring and positive thinking would have stopped my boys from
pissing in your pint if you annoyed them!
did some nasty things to the evil annoying customers that irritated
one old customer was a big fat bloated wife beating bastard,
who used to stand at the end of the bar and shout orders to us like
we were fucked up mental patients, he particularly hated me as I always
answered him back.
men in that pub HATED any woman who answered back; it was the kinda
place that if a woman didnt wear an underskirt she was eligible
for electric shock treatment!
this fat dude called Albert, put his wife down in front of people,
he berated my staff and thought he owned the place. To show off he
used to demand a pot of tea in the middle of a busy service, he was
never charged for it as he was a regular, but I know a barman who
used to skip to the toilet and squeeze his teabag in the TOILET BOWL,
then bring it into the kitchen and make up his pot of tea for him
you that probably is just a joke!
am sure Alberts tea was perfect and no one got a pissed pint.
Seriously though-Scottish service can be dodgy; we still havent quite gripped pleasing the public yet. I go up North regularly and stop off at different wee tea/lunch places and am often appalled at the food and service. The amount of cafés or tearooms that I have visited in the countryside and been offered Tastes like Milk portions with my coffee is awful. I mean we are IN THE COUNTRYSIDE how many cows surround us? Is it so hard to get fresh milk there?
On the flipside when we do come across a good place it is awesome and very well done, one of my favourites is the George Hotel in Inverary is great. The food is fresh and local and the menu changes regularly, its also reasonable and the service is so prompt and helpful.
good place is between St.Andrews and Perth its called The Bein
Inn. A great live music venue at night, surrounded by amazing hills
and forestry, the food is just top notch. The service there is also
first class and again fresh local produce and amazing fish dishes.
On another note
Am all set for Edinburgh and cant wait, I have been worried about it but NOW I AM UP FOR IT!
you believe it? I am going to the worlds best festival to perform
and do something I love EVERY NIGHT
life does not get better.
Mind you I am not buying a pot of tea from ANYONE even if Paul McKenna has trained them first.
the 2nd of August 2005
am all set to go to the Fringe, my show is ready, my bags are packed
and today I found another lump in my breast. I have had biopsies before
and am currently under surveillance in the lumpy tit department
and just when I thought I was safe
am smiling though, as I have been fretting so much about my show-tickets
sales-reviews..Etc..Etc..And after all that I might have to get me
tit lopped off! Great!
am not going to worry myself sick; I just need to go through another
biopsy and mammogram. That really hurts you know. I dont want
to scare anyone but getting your tits squashed by two flat plates
until your boobies resemble thin and crispy pizzas is fucking
deathly painful. I know I have done it twice before. You think your
tits will POP! If they squeeze them one more centimetre, Guys reading
this? Imagine your nuts flattened by two ceramic bathroom tiles and
pressure on them till they look like prawn dim sum!
The show will go on, I am talking to my doc tomorrow and he will decide what day I go to breast clinic and I will go on stage that night as I HAVE to and I WANT to.
On another note, I managed to scar my daughters eyebrow. She asked me to wax them and the wax tape was so strong that it ripped out her wee tough eyebrows and has left a big strip of red bruise above her eyeball!
She is telling people I gave her a black eye!
the 5th of August 2005
I have been away for a wee while, my laptop was fucked and being here
at the Fringe made it more difficult for me to find internet or get
it fixed easily. We did take it to a wee geeky man who declared it
fit but did mention in my receipt the following info..
Invoice number 53
Vat number 502533775
(said she was a comedian)
Recover internet connections
Check for virusesok
Check for Spywareok
Check for Firewallok
Check for porn-I need to meet you
I NEED TO MEET YOU? what the hell does that mean?
have porn in my laptop??? So much PORN that he has to meet me???
Anyways I am into day two of my Fringe Show, my opening night was good fun. I decided not to give away free tickets to fill the room as I prefer people to be there because they want to, its like having a man fuck you who doesnt actually like you and I am not doing that. I got a good house anyway, especially for a first night!
Met Rain Pryor, she is a lovely talented US performer and Richard Pryors daughter, her stuff is very good and her show is on at the same venue as mine Underbelly venue 61.
We came across a really good café/restaurant called ERAWAN off Jacksons Entry, they are very swanky, the coffees are cheap yet great and the WI/FI internet is FREE also they took time to help fix my PC so I love them.
I am off to Glasgow tonight after my show and the scary story telling show I do after mine. I need to get up early for Radio show on BBC Scotland at 1pm Saturday.
Update on the breast scareI have an appointment for next week and will let you all know asap the results.
Thanks for ALL your supportive messages. XX
the 7th of August 2005
legs and Sore Boobs
cobble stones in Edinburgh are killers, I think the people who lived
here in ancient times did not die of any plague but of SORE CALVES
mine ache beyond belief. The flat we have is just off the Royal Mile,
it is in a really old building and the views are amazing, the only
problem being down on the Royal Mile is that you cannot walk out of
the flat to get a newspaper or regular stuff BUT if I wanted a tartan
Dolly, Tartan rock, Tartan Shawl, Tartan kilt or a wee Nessie doll,
a big Sword (why?) or any other piece of Scottish tat then I am surrounded
by Tartan shops that will provide such shite if I need it.
I know that its there for the tourist but the pavements are so narrow that you can hardly walk through the street without being mobbed by Japanese, Chinese or American tourists gawking and stopping dead in the street to stare at Tartan tat it drives me nuts!
am a grumpy old cow.
I had in four reviewers last night (Saturday) and I am so glad the show went well, it is always a worry that the minute the reviewers come you fall flat, but I did a good show and the crowd (all payers!) cheered and I sold books afterwards!
My boob is sore and tonight I go home as tomorrow I go to the docs for the latest in my rounds of Lump hunting therapy.
will go for my biopsy during the Fringe and WILL perform that night
as I am a trouper! Well thats what I plan to do anyway.
press so far have been interested in me.
I do a show about abuse/murder/pain/domestic abuse etc they always ask me how I can make such subjects funny, and I love that question because I really dont know the answer, I just know that I do and I enjoy doing something different from other comics. It really is storytelling as I call it and because I have had an interesting life it makes the show meatier.
My daughter is working hard and I am very proud of her as always.
have to say that I HATE seagulls, I lie in that bed in the flat and
the noise of those big fat white bastards really irritates me, how
can they be that loud? If my microphone breaks at the gig, I am going
to do my show through the arse of a gull as that would be heard for
think they have amplifiers in their evil throats, why cant they all
fuck off to a beach?
There is nine dead pigeons outside our flat and that worries me, who is killing them? The Gull Mafia? Maybe this is the latest in the Gull War? I actually watched a gull peck and eat at a dead pigeon YUKK!
I am off to try to fight with my mental curly hair that is defying gravity and all manner of expensive hair products, it resembles a huge angry bush, I think I may have a dead pigeon in it.
Monday the 8th of August 2005
days on the Janey Murder Mystery Tour!
see end of blog
Well my first review is in it was in Edinburgh Evening News and it was very good.
A fine 3 *** and it mentions how last years show was hard to top It would be tough to top last years supremely well received show then it goes onto say The Godley saga continues to unfold and its absolutely captivating
So I am heartily pleased by that review of my first night!
I have more to come and am waiting with baited breath, am worried no one likes this years show.
Spoke to a journalist last night who did say kind and interesting words, he told me that my show last year dealing with abuse/murder/revenge and all the various problems I had in my past has really set a precedent and that other comics are now doing shows dealing with their pain/abusive pasts and other dangerous topics I am very flattered at that comment, although I always assumed comedy was steeped in tragedy and as far as I am concerned Bill Hicks and all the rest were dealing with frightening topics way back then and they will always remain my Heros.
Went to see Shake, Rattle and Noel at the Gilded Balloon 5.30pm.
I can tell you now it was AWESOME I was stunned by the performance, anyone reading this and planning a to see a show BUY A TICKET NOW.
Noel deals with his Tourettes Syndrome and then takes you on a journey of his past, it covers drug dealing, sea faring, dancing .I swear its just fantastic. I am so inspired after watching that.
My doctors appointment has been moved to Tuesday now.
Each night in my show I tell the audience I suspect someone I am involved in of murdering the man who murdered my mother and I tell the audience to watch this blog for daily updates on this. As yet he has NOT confessed and is MIGHTLY annoyed that I keep asking, so therefore todays news is
Leave me alone, I told you to stop asking me that question is this in your show or something?
the 9th of August 2005
accusation update Tuesday-see end of blog
I had the Perrier in last night and I think the show went ok? You can never tell as I have now had seven reviewers in on the first THREE days! So that can be good or bad, I am not sure but at least the two that have been printed are THREE stars! I am preparing myself for what the others think of my show.
I am loving doing the show, I just love being up there on stage and nothing can change that for me.
go today through to Glasgow to get my breast lump checked as yesterdays
appointment had to be moved.
The good news is I have had some TV people approach me with some ideas and I have had bigger theatre gigs suggested so my reason for being here is being justified.
My daughter was out late last night and when I checked on her this morning she was still fully clothed with black (is that racist?) panda eye make up rubbed round her big eyelashes, her pillow looks like the shroud of Turin, must remember to wash it today.
I had an early night as I have stuff to do and meetings all bloody day.
Edinburgh was sunny yesterday which mean today it will probably snow thats Scotland for you.
am not worried about the breast lump thing as I feel too positive
to let it get me down.
Yesterday I met Gary, he was the bloke in 2003 who tried to throw himself off a building on the Grassmarket, he was in a bit of a state at the time but after a chat he came down and we are now pals. He is still on his feet but yesterday he felt faint and I had to get an ambulance for him as he had a panic attack, I have slowly realised that maybe he is fine as long as he doesnt meet ME!
came to see me after my show last night.
Me-Hope you are ok; dont take to throwing yourself off any more fucking buildings Gary
Gary-Naw Janey,I now live in a bungalow
Me-Thats ok then
Murder Accusation Update-
you kill that man?
Him-If you dont stop nagging me about something that happened ten years ago, I am going home
the 10th of August 2005
Accusation update at end of blog below
Well the doctors appointment didnt go as well as I hoped, the breast lump IS suspicious and I have to back home next week for a biopsy, the good news is- I have no history of breast cancer in my family, so I am unlikely to have the BIG C
The show is going great guns now, I had a lovely audience in last night and the reviews have been good (so far), got some good news from my publisher today telling me that the book is selling ever so well HURRAH! That is good news as my daughter goes to Uni in September and I need the cash.
No more dead pigeons outside the flat, I am so fucking happy about that as it was scary indeed. The bad news is, we took our rubbish/garbage bins down to what we thought was the place to put them only to be sternly told off by a council man that came to our door two days later and who told us that we had dumped it in the wrong place! How did he know it was US?
Well it seems the black bin liners have CODES on them and they can tell from which house the rubbish bin came from! Fucking hell, that really is scary, bin bags with special codes?
They cant catch terrorists but BIN CHEATERS! YES!
they dont find a dead body when we leave here! I will make sure
there are no codes on it if I do decide to leave a cadaver in Edinburgh.
Got mistaken yesterday by a woman who thought my name was Eileen McDougal, she was convinced I was this Eileen and conversed with me for a few minutes about our past, when we shared a house in Oxford, when we were both reading English at Uni. Apparently I married a guy called Simon and she was still married to Roger from Devon. How were my two children doing? She asked me. I stood and stared at her as she recalled the times we had travelling in Peru in 1983.
I decided that I liked being Eileen and not Janey Godley, I waited until she finished telling me how both her parents still have a picture of her and I together at Sandringham with the Duke and then Duchess of York !
It was then I told her my name is NOT Eileen and I am Janey Godley, a Scottish stand up comic and writer the poor woman looked crestfallen and very embarrassed.
It got me thinking though, maybe if I had lived Eileens life, I may have been happier no breast lumps no murder stories no past that left me with nightmares but then I would not have had MY daughter and MY husband (odd as he may be) so today I am glad I am ME! Lumps, murder and all!
MURDER ACCUSATION UPDATE
ME-Did you kill that man who murdered my mammy?
HIM-People are looking at me oddly, are you telling people this?
the 11th of August 2005
and sexy pants
Accusation Update at the End of Blog-
Well its Thursday already and I cant believe I have been here a WEEK! Ashley is over tired and may collapse before Saturday, husband has been over wrought with me asking murder questions and I am coping well with doing what I love on stage every night.
I have been to see some great shows and am totally enjoying the Fringe.
The flat we have has a small invasion of big legged spiders, which I actually like, they scuttle in a wee dance like fashion across the hall carpet every morning as I do my toilet run in my baggy knickers and crumpled tee shirt, I think I may have scarred their wee souls for life with that sight. I worry about the spiders.
I have some lovely quotes for my posters from my reviews and am setting about doing that today, the audiences have been good so far and I still have not papered a room yet. I am chalking the city with slogan Janey Godley Is Innocent, it does get good attention and people mention it when they see me-so IT WORKS!
I fully intend to go to the Critics versus Comics footie match on Saturday and play for my team I love football but am not as fit as I was and need to STOP eating cake! But Victoria Beckham stopped eating cake and her husband just went off and shagged a woman who does eat cake????? What does that mean???
Murder accusation update
you kill that man who killed my mum?
you want cake?
my question first
(ignoring me and holding up a cake)-Do you want cake?
the 12th of August 2005
Accusation Update at end of blog!
Two heel blisters, one breast lump, five mozzie bites, period pains, slight attack of heartburn, three family arguments (which I won), eight reviewers, some Perrier judges and one threatening phone call from an Old Gangster! Welcome to my world!
Last night I sat in the Underbelly Bar and watched a drunken man steal a bottle of booze and sit there, shouting at people. Managed to get the attention of the lovely Mick the Security man, he got the boozeball out of the venue, just in time for a photographer to collide with him. This was the photographer who was coming to shoot me for the Sunday review they have of me in the Observer review section.
I look ok and hope the review reads fine.
Slept like a happy baby last night, then this morning the dreams collided into one another and became evil nightmares. I woke up drenched in a fearful sweat and checked I had both breasts as my dream included them being bitten off by small angry kangaroos! (What the fuck goes on in my head?).
Watched my daughter work behind the Underbelly bar last night and that scared me a little, I recall being a barmaid for 15 years and the last thing I want for her is to be the purveyor of Good Guinness! I know she is only there temporarily but a part of my soul died as I watched her pour pints surely the Godley bar trade has been left behind me?
I got in Five BLOG FANS in my crowd last night! How awesome, these guys have been reading my blog since last year, and whilst I am on this subject HELLO to all my BLOG Watchers in Johannesburg! I love the comments and you spur me on to continue!
I am having a great time at this Fringe, I love the atmosphere. Ticket sales are well up on last year and I am having fun. Have finally gave up the hair fight and have decided fully to go native with my curls, fuck straight hair, its too much bother and its NOT ME I am embracing the badger trap that has become my head.
Murder accusation update-
Me-Did you really kill that man who murdered my mother?
Him-Why do you keep asking that stupid question everyday?
Me-I like it
Him I dont and it doesnt make sense
the 13th of August 2005
Accusation at end of this BLOG
Three spots, two more reviewers, one impending eye infection, one annoying static breast lump, three more dead pigeons on our doorway, ten more books sold and a frightening insect bite on my arse
The show sold well last night and I am having great fun,
cant say any more than that! Must admit that I loved the Spank! Show last night, it is just such fucking fun, all those people crammed in and having great fun getting to see a variety of acts. My daughter and I are going to do a double act for one night only at SPANK!, and it should be fun, she promises to get me back for EVERYTHING I have ever said about her on stage all her life well if there is ONE woman who can beat me by mouth ITS HER!
Ashley (my daughter) is still working hard and I hardly get to see her, last night at 3am we got together for a good chat and she made me laugh so loudly at her VERY POLITICALLY INNCORRECT pastiche of the video of Lionel Ritchies pop song Hello you had to be there. We were watching old 80s songs on satellite TV.
Murder accusation update
ask me that question, people are looking at me strangely, are you
telling everyone I am a killer?
Me-Well yes actually!
Him-Thanks for that!
Me-Well did you do it?
Him-I will hold a press conference with me addressing the allegations, and expose you as the killer where were you on April 1st 1996?
Me-I am innocent!
Him-Yes thats what it says all over the walls in chalk but that doesnt mean you are!
Me-Shut up, did you do it?
Him-I am not talking anymore, do you prefer fruit scones or plain?
the 14th of August 2005
Crash and night time fun
Accusation Update at end of this Blog-----
Two spots on my chin, one insistent breast lump, one more reviewer and a near fatal car crash!
night was great! I had a sold well, the show went well and I decided
to walk home and eat cake when I got there. I walked happily down
the road that leads to the Scotsman building near where I live, and
just as I reached the Dumbiedykes Estate (A sprawling housing estate
where a new born baby was found abandoned 2 nights ago next to the
Parliament -who called it that name?) a red car came screeching out
of the main gates.
The screaming of the tyres made me stop and stare, the red car careered out of control and took the arse of a taxi that was going IN to the housing complex, the red car then lost control further and swerved dangerously towards ME standing on the normally quiet pavement. I was rooted with fear as I saw the faces on the guys driving it right towards me, its arse arched dangerously in my direction with sparks flashing off the road and covering me, I threw myself to the left and watched as the car tried to gain control, but then sped off down the road of the WRONG side and almost smashed into an on coming car!
I managed to get the number plate and then vomited all over the ground, I was so fucking scared! I was nearly hit by that mental car; I am convinced that I AM REALLY the EPI-CENTRE of disaster! Why me?
The police were called and they took all the details, I called home and my husband came to meet me, I was really frightened, I am not joking I thought I was going to die on that street!
up this morning to a great review in the Observer, it is fantastic!
Also it is NATIONAL and that can only be a good thing for me! Hurrah!
Murder Accusation Update-----
even bother to ask me, next you will be saying I arranged
that car to come and get you
Me-No I would not say that as you would not want me dead would you?
Me-I love you lets go home and have great sex then I will cook
Him-No your cooking is murder
the 15th of August 2005
Accusation at the End of This Blog--------------
Three hours sleep with screaming Gulls in the back ground and nightmares, one spot on my chin, one annoying breast lump, one five star review and a toe blister.
I am so tired
and the nightmares are worse if anything. Though
I am having a great time on stage and still trying to work out a way
to KILL the Seagulls that scream at my window. Honestly it would be
easier to kill a president than those noisy fuckers! I swear to God
that if that were kids making that noise they would be served an ASBO
on them, why do they big fat white pigeon killing noisy screamers
make that noise and why cant the go live near the SEA? Its in
their name for fucksake!
Can you tell they are getting to me? YES!
I am thinking of buying a crossbow and sitting at my window and shooting them en masse. A Gull Cull is what we need!
Life goes on and the show is doing fine, I love being up there and yet I am worried more and more about this fucking lump, I know I shouldnt but its hard not to.
Murder Update ..
Him-Dont even ask me today, I know what you want to know and I am not even going to grant that question with an answer, do you really believe I am capable of murder?
Me-Not sure did you kill that man who murdered my mum?
Him-Do you want me to kill the Seagulls?
Me-So you can murder birds?
Him-If you really think they deserve to die
Him-No I dont kill birds, remember that man who killed your mum killed a Swan, I dont kill defenceless birds
Me-Only people then?
Him-Shut up and go hug a gull ya moany bitch
the 16th of August 2005
is a dull day
Accusation at End of Blog
One sore knee, two sore tonsils, one slight hangover, one persistent breast lump and two dead pigeons in backyard.
Cant believe that there are more dead birds on my door step?? What is that about? Is there a MAFIA BIRD ORGANISATION working in Edinburgh and if so why cant they put a contract out on the fucking Gulls?
More books sold last night at the venue and that is good news for my daughter who is going to Uni in September as she needs the cash!
I get my news for my biopsy this week and am hoping its good news never the less I will cope if otherwise as I am STRONG JANEY and can take any hand I am dealt with! (I convince myself).
Had a great audience in last night and despite the lack of reviews being printed (I have had so many in but not in print yet) I am keeping up good numbers.
Was so pleased to see Noel Faulkners show Shake Rattle and Noel get a good 4 star review as that show is awesome. I loved it and anyone reading this who is looking for a good show to go see, should check it out.
MURDER ACCUSATION UPDATE
didnt do it; you will get me put in prison at this rate
Me-No I wont, it is ART
Him-People are asking me in the street
Me-See I have widened your social circle
the 17th of August 2005
Accusation Update at End of Blog
I had to go back to Glasgow today to do the Book Show on Radio Clyde. Its a radio book review show and the guy loved my book so I am very happy about that.
Show last night sold well and am very happy that I have a good five star review on my posters, I also did a stint on Mark Watson 36 hour show, I went on and got a couple of people to feel my breast lump and we discussed cancer, which was fun! Well it is alternative comedy!
No dead birds outside my door today and that can only be a good omen, though I have decided to buy a crossbow and shoot the Gulls for a Fringe past time.
Had a good few comics come see the show last night and that always makes me feel good, no big celebs, just hard working comics who like something different!
Murder accusation Update
Him-I am not going to answer any questions today, but you can write then down if you want but it must be in a black pen
Me-Did you kill him?
Him-Is is written in black pen?
Me-No, but can you answer me?
the 18th of August 2005
Murder Accusation at end of blog
Had fun last night and am really loving this Fringe I am feeling less tired and had the best time at Mark Watsons 36 hour extravaganza, I got up and let people feel my breast lump. How we laughed! Brendon Burns decided it was not a lump, just my TIT! (Only Brendon!)
The show is fine and cant wait till I get through the whole thing every night, its a true statement that Only The Stage Can set Me Free!. The people who come up afterwards and tell me they loved it does make it all so worthwhile.
I have had no scary experiences since the near fatal car crash and the scary breast lump, so I fear todays blog will be boring!
Ashley and I are doing a double act on SPANK this Saturday and that should be fun! She really makes me laugh like no one else!
Murder Accusation Update
Him-I didnt do it I tell you
Him-Why would you think that?
Me-Coz you would be capable
Him-I am so not capable of murder, mind you he was a right nasty man
Me-So did you?
Him-Shoosh, woman go hang up the washing
the 19th of August 2005
Accusation Update at End of Blog
I love the sunshine, I slept well with no nightmares and that makes me HAPPY, though I have now got THREE spots on my face maybe I am going back in time?
Ok the year is 1979, I am finally 18 years old and am off to buy vodka and dance at the local disco. My curly hair is IN thanks to Olivia Newton Johns appearance in Grease, and yet I can still be post punk thanks to my inherent state of poverty beautifully handed down to me by my parents and their forbearers safety pins are tres chic!
I am desperately trying to get a job after having lived for nearly a year in the seaside (shit town, smelly beach) of Redcar and I am dreaming of being a disc jockey, yet there seems to be a distinct lack of enthusiasm from my local Glasgow JobCentre Did I want to be a secretary? No I fucking did not and my constant sweary-ness would hamper any chance of that! I have a great collection of music, which is my immense passion in life can women be DJs? No apparently!
So at the age of eighteen, I decide I am going to travel this time outside UK and hope that my poverty and Glasgow smell does not follow me.
is I need money, so I take a job waitressing in said LOCAL DISCO and
love meeting people and making enough cash to buy a new dress and
my first real haircut in a salon, not my crazy drunk mother attacking
my curls with defiant Protestantism and blunt scissors, it resembled
my hair being cut with wooden spoons!
Surely things can only get better? Well they did, I met the local discos owners son and start my first big love affair (sex and everything, he doesnt even get tangled in my hair!) and well the rest is history. We married the next year and next month we will celebrate our Silver wedding anniversary.
I did eventually get to travel the world, but not as a DJ but as a comic and I dont regret much (some stuff I do, but I cant tell you all that)
Murder Accusation Update
Him-Do you want to go on holiday to celebrate our anniversary?
Me-Did you kill that man?
Him-I am trying to be romantic, why do you bring murder into that?
Me-Come on tell me
Him-Your hair and tongue needs cut
the 20th of August 2005
Saturday In Edinburgh
Accusation at End of Blog
Met the lovely Jamie Theakston yesterday and gave him a flyer, he was very tall. After chatting I headed home as I was supposed to be the walk on for Howard Reids Show but he forgot and had Demitri Martin there instead, so I headed for home.
Spent the whole day reading a good book and then headed off for my show at 9pm. It went good, am happy with that.
Walked up to the GB library bar for late night chit chat and who did I see but the tall Mr Theakston yet again this time I shuffled past in case he thought I was stalking him.
Janey he shouted and waved my flyer at me. I was worried as Karen Koren was in ear shot and would have thought I had just flyered him ( thats so bad as my venue is the Underbelly and NOT GB) and I hadnt, he still had the same flyer from day time.
me what crime it says you committed on this flyer he demanded
as I walked over to him. So I did, I explained that last year I forged
a will to get free from police after being caught with serious amount
of weapons and explosives in our old house.
He laughed and we chatted about comedy and stuff, then Simon Fanshawe came and shook my hand and explained he LOVED my show and had brought along the widow of John Smith MP and she too had a fab time!
I dont drink and decided time to go home and finish that book (how rock and roll am I?).
Murder Accusation Update
I did it
go tell the police and have me arrested
Him-No, but I am bored with your questions!
the 21st of August 2005
Accusation Update at End of Blog
Last night was so busy; the gig was rammed and hot but great fun. Later on Ashley and I then did a double act fight club at SPANK! She got to shout back at me after me slagging her off on my act for years it was fun! She swore really loudly and that disturbed me no end, as despite me having a nasty tongue, I have never wanted to hear her swear at me.
Was having a lovely long lie this morning when fifteen resplendent Bagpipers stood outside my window on our flat on the Royal Mile and fucking bagpiped really loudly, that shit is only good when its on another hill in the distance. Ashley sat up with black panda eyes and pushed up her window and SCREAMED at them to FUCK OFF! Thats my girl, sometimes I like her swearing!
Got a lovely review in The Mail on Sunday and am critics choice in The Sunday Herald!
Breast lump hurts but I suppose thats ok and is getting it checked again this week.
Every poster I have up on the streets have been covered over constantly by the biggest names on the Fringe who are reportedly selling out more than ever so why do they need that many posters up and taxis covered in their image? Is that not a waste of time/paper and money? I can understand at the start of the fringe when their GIGANTIC posters go up, but to keep up the campaign despite selling out do they need to keep pasting over all the other sites? This is NOT a rant at said acts as I know they have no fucking idea of where or who puts them up, but just a general gripe! Grrrrrr .
Murder Accusation Update
you please not ask me today as now 35 people have stopped me and asked
me if I killed that man!
Me-Ok seeing as its Sunday I will let you off with murder
the 22nd of August 2005
Accusation Update at end of Blog
Show went great last night despite being an odd Sunday rainy night and it was really good fun, my kind of audience, all nutty and up for anything!
Then I went onto to MC the Funny Woman show at the late night slot, it was fucking great trust me! I was amazed to be on the same bill as other females, as we normally are well spread out over the entire country! The women were all well funny and its a great value show.
Was woke up this morning by BBC Radio 5Live who called me at 9am to ask me if I wanted to be a guest on their Live show at 11am, I said YES and promptly fell back asleep, then at 11am my mobile rang loudly and I simply leaned over, picked up the phone FARTED and coughed then realised I was LIVE ON AIR! I was so tired and in my dreamy head four wee happy bushy squirrels were dancing to I Love to love by the 70s disco star Tina Charles! Go happy dancing squirrel GO! Then I realised I was being asked a question by the interviewer about language and dialect and my brain was DEAD. But I managed to point out that yes Tony Blair does have a generic English accent for someone who was born in SCOTLAND! How I laughed, how the squirrels danced and then I chatted more about Glasgow words, the show ended and I fell back to sleep.
I woke up at 12 midday and laughed as I dreamt I had been live on air talking mad shite, then realised IT WAS TRUE! I need to get more sleep and stop doing too many late night shows!
a lovely write up in the Scotsman today about Ashley and I on stage
Murder Accusation Update
Him-I hate it when you keep asking me mental questions
you do it?
Him-No a squirrel did it
the 23rd of August 2005
Accusation at End of Blog
I was awoken by the Swedish TV People who called to see when is best to come interview me I was asleep and cant recall anything they said!
I have spent this fringe asleep most of the time! Did the 60 acts in 60 minutes for BBC show last night and it was wicked!
Ashley asked me to cut her fringe this morning and to be honest I think I am not really a hairdresser but got out the big kitchen scissors and made a not to bad job of it all, may give up comedy to start my own fringe cutting service.
I am counting the days till I go home, not because I hate this fringe because I do feel genuinely tired a lot and thats worrying me a bit. Got a nice write up in the Independent today and thats lovely.
Apparently my performance on BBC Scotland show Scunnered last night went down well, I never saw it as I was on stage but Ashley watched and is very proud of me. She is also reading my book Handstands in The Dark and it is unsettling me as I dont want her to read my autobiography as I am worried how she will feel about it, but she is insistent. Hope she feels ok about it all.
Murder Accusation Update
am off home
you off to kill anyone?
Him-No you nutcase. I need to collect mail, stop fantasising me as some Leon type of hit man, I am not French
the 24th of August 2005
Accusation at End of Blog
Edinburgh was rocked by the windiest night last night, at 2am the windows and doors in our flat shook and trembled and the trees outside looked like they were having a come down from crack when I looked out of the window. No doubt the fucking seagulls survived that! Bastards!
Had a good night despite the crew from Swedish TV Arts programme following me about! I am part of their main arts show as they loved my book and comedy! How odd Sweden? But I love that people who live in a totally different culture get my humour.
Had a wonderful night at the gig and the Funny Women show was very interesting you had to be there!
Murder Accusation Update
me alone scary fat woman
me you did it?
Him-Yes now go learn to bake!
the 26th of August 2005
I am late but I nearly died
Accusation Update at End of Blog
So Wednesday night I ate some sushi at 7pm, then about half an hour later my body started to swell and I went into mild anaphylactic shock! I ended up in hospital wired to machines as my body started to kill me and they injected me with various adrenaline and steroid drugs to keep me alive.
So I then made it out of the hospital and got on stage...Huraah! Life at the Fringe I love it!!
I was so wired with adrenaline and fear that I almost climbed up onto the rig and screamed from the rafters, there was two reviewers in and I cannot even begin to imagine what they will write about that drug fuelled show but fuck em I am still alive.
So I was woken up early on Thursday morning by Brendon Burns standing at my door holding a nuns outfit and told me to get into it as we were going to meet Paul Provenza flying into Edinburgh. I know what your thinking, NUNS OUTFIT? Yes thats what you always wear when meeting American Film Producers at an airport whats up with you guys?
Paul is in town for his premier of the film Aristocrats that he produced/directed. He is also a good mate and great US comic. So there we were standing at Edinburgh airport holding big cardboard signs saying GOD waiting at the arrival gate, we waited and waited no Paul. We start to get worried he is not on the plane. Ricky Gervais came out and gave us a smile still no Provenza, by this time we are all comedy-ed out and getting impatient. Just as we were about to disband our nun convention, Provenza sauntered out and COMPLETELY IGNORED US ALL and then turned round and laughed. It was slightly anti-climatic but fun none the less.
I then performed my own show and went onto host Funny Women, then went over to the So You think Your Funny party, I got drunk. I dont get drunk often and for the first time in years I am on medication (steroids for the allergy) that states you cannot drink alcohol and thats fine COZ I hardly drink I fucking got well pissed and did not make the film premier this morning. Ashley went to the Aristocrats Movie, she loved it. Whilst she was there she met everyone who was at last nights party and was told that her mother was staggering around the party last night with two young boys dancing sexily, wrapped around a pole with a vodka bottle wedged firmly between her tits. NICE!
She has just chastised me for my debauched behaviour, I cannot wait till she goes to Uni and I can have fun, I like the dancing/sexy boys/vodka tit thing.
Murder Accusation Update
head hurts dont accuse me of murder today
Me-Ok my head hurts as well, lets hug
the 30th of August 2005
of the Fringe!
I was gone so long, my pc was screwed and I was ill. The last nights
of the festival were awesome, not only did a woman win the Perrier,
but she was completely unknown and did great character sketch stuff,
pissing everyone else off because she does not do stand up.
Good on her I say! It was funny to listen to all the BOYS
who thought they had been robbed. At the Perrier party I met Nica
who runs the awards and she commiserated that I never got a nomination
but told me I was in the final 10
(They have been saying that
for the past three years to me! I dont know if that makes me
happy or sad yet!).
I also have a nasty cough and chest infection, Ashley is ill and we are so glad to be home. I have filmed my gig and have it on mini disc also so it should be going on my website soon, I hope!
I had great fun and I still dont know if you know who killed the man who killed my mother so that maybe an ongoing saga by all accounts.
am currently writing a new play and its got me all excited,
its a serious play and it should be going into rehearsal soon
as I wrote it last night and have booked the space to try it out.
No doubt it will need lots of reshaping but thats the good part
about the whole writing process. I am so happy to be doing something
different from comedy for a wee change.
Talk soon Janey.
the 31st of August 2005
there we have it, the Fringe is over and I need to be normal mother
again. What an odd feeling, I dont have to get ready for the
same gig night after night. I loved it but it is weird. I emailed
all the contacts from Australia to Montreal that gave me business
cards and thanked them for coming to see my show etc etc
I am still a bit upside down and slightly annoyed that husband had taken over housekeeping duties before we left and had OVER washed our old duck down duvet THREE times in a boil wash as he was amazed at how much brown stuff kept coming out in the wash. That was of course the feather colours being heinously par-boiled that he mistook for dirt, so he kept boiling it in the machine till after 3 washes it ran clear. The feathers are now putty and incapable of fluffiness and we need a new duvet!
I loved that old duvet, it had seen me through pregnancy, when it wrapped around me deliciously as I vomited up bile into a plastic bucket beside my bed for nine months, and it saw me through early baby stages when it cocooned Ashleys wee chubby wriggling toddler body. I could wrap her up in it and leave her on the bed as I ran to have a much needed pee, it took her ages to get free from the big overwhelming duck cloud that it formed around her. She was a mini Houdini at two and that duvet worked wonders in stalling her when I needed it most. Other would call that child abuse, I called it ingenious!
It even moved home to my father in laws house where we stayed for a few months back in 1994 and that fateful day when the police arrived at that house to look for arms and weaponry, my faithful duvet covered my modesty when the police allowed me to finally cover my nakedness after they ordered me out of bed at 7am.
It became my security blanket when we quickly left that gun house in late 1994 and at night in the new house I would lie snuggled up feeling safe in the familiar smell of my old duck down heaven.
Its now all crumpled and saggy, a bit like me really, its fresh plump appearance has given way to a flattened husk that serves no comfort and resembles something that promises nothing but barrenness. Like me.
So as my husband fingers his way through the plump lush fresh springy duvets in the shop tomorrow, it will only serve to remind me that this is what may happen in our relationship. He is searching for something that springs back at the touch, it will keep him cool in the summer and warm his flesh in the winter, it will be self cleaning and easy maintenance and will not wrap around his flesh when he least wants it, but will be sorted out by a mere flick over the bed.
Thats NOT me.
I am complicated, needy, offensive, argumentative, pleasing, passive, aggressive and need only to be told I am loved to make me smile.
Who knows maybe he will boil me to see what colour the water goes?