JANEY GODLEY - Scottish actress, comedienne, author, playwright & journalist

Janey's Blogs - August 2006

Tuesday the 1st of August 2006
03:31:56 PM

Am Home and Mental…

Well, my last night in Barcelona was worth recalling forever. I went out for dinner with a few mates and ended up staying out all night partying. We all ended up staying out all night (not good for me I am 45 and easily fatigued!). Fun? Oh Yes!

I didn’t get back to the flat in Barcelona until 10am Monday morning. There was a lovely cute guy at the party who flirted all night with me, and I actually giggled…yes me giggling…can you imagine that? I don’t normally giggle!

I did the whole hair flicking, eyelash batting giggle…poor guy, alcohol makes you do crazy things. I did drink some, so me being me, I was tipsy at 1am.

I am a sucker for cute 25 year olds.

So sexy boy… if you are reading this, thanks for making an old woman’s night! Hope you get your eyesight back.

So I didn’t get any sleep whatsoever and had to get packed up to fly home.

Husband picked me up at the airport, took one look at me and said

“Crazy late night shenanigans Miss Godley?”

I merely dragged my bag into the car, smiled and sat there quietl

. I was so tired; I almost fell asleep in the car.

Last night I slept from 7pm till 9am this morning, I am too old for flirting and late night parties…its official.

So today Ashley and I are getting ready to go to Edinburgh tomorrow. She is so well organised and all set, husband had a screaming fit at the amount of clothes we are taking (he does this EVERY year) I mean who doesn’t pack a ball gown and stiletto’s, you never know when you may need them? An impromptu ball may happen right in the middle of the festival and we may be the only two women prepared for such an event!

I have no idea what I am taking, I have so many clothes and stuff, I am taking two cases of clothes alone! When I did get so many tops?

Husband packs like that guys from 9 ? weeks, Mickey O’Rourke’s character, five tops and trousers all in the same colour and shade, exactly same colour of underwear and socks, and tiny shaving bag. Minimalist beyond belief.

I am still tired but have to get ready for the whole carousel of press and performances that I am about to embark on. I am so fucking excited, three shows a day, plus odd appearances at late night comedy, chat shows and time to pee!

So I have to go back and find more clothes to shove into corners of my luggage, and be nice to husband.

He is worried that I will be so mental I will turn on him- but I have promised Ashley that I will not get stressed out and be nice. To be honest I will hardly see him due to my schedule- I will be kind though, he didn’t expect to be travelling in the Godley Family Circus when he married me 27 years ago. Fuck knows what he thinks of my life now; he just gets dragged along on the tide of madness that my existence has become.

Guess what?

My autobiography ‘Handstands in the Dark’ has just come out in paper-back! I signed some copies in WH Smiths today; it was awesome to see it on the shelves, that buzz never dies, let me tell you. To walk into an airport shop or book store and see your book there on the shelf is just so amazing.

So everyone reading…hang onto your hats, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

I am about to hit Edinburgh and do the shows, one show is called Janey Godley’s Blog Live! It’s all about this blog and I will keep it up despite the mental work load. Keep watching – keep emailing me- keep me company….I need you!

Wednesday the 2nd of August 2006
01:05:45 AM

Haircuts in the nearly nude

It is now nearly 1am and I should be in bed as I have to get up and go to Edinburgh for my Techie rehearsal of my play Point of Yes. Its a real straight play and no one laughs and that usually scares me as being a comic and being on stage for more than six minutes and having people stare at you not making any noise usually makes my fallopian tubes twist slightly to the left and my inner ear fluid goes like a bad spirit level...

Then i remember its a 'play' about heroin and death and not my usual comedy about heroin and death.

I couldnt sleep and suggested to my sleeping husband he should just get up and let me shave his head. Yes...I know weird or what, but i cut his hair and its time as he has been affecting his Coco the Clown look for too long and I am restless.

Most people reading this would imgaine this a sexually deviant act, but it was either I cut it now or Ashley does it in the morning and she usually makes designs on the back of his head with the shaving blade and once cut a weird 'fin' thing on his dome head and he wore it like that for a week till I came home and fixed it.

So I am topless (its hot and I hate hairy clothes) he is in his boxers and we started up the shaver, its buzzing sound resonating throughout the flat.

I heard the door open and Ashley stood there staring saying "Fucking hell, why are you both nearly nude cutting hair? I thought you had a really loud vibrator mum, get to bed you pair of scary freaks"

We are freaks, no other family does this shit I am sure, no other mother and daughter are about to do a sketch show where one sketch involves the mum showing her duaghter how to be a hooker- no other daughter I know posed as a junkie burning a spoon for her mummy's poster and no other husband posts a blog that makes him look like a cunt that his wife talks about on stage.

On that note I must try to sleep.

PS- Just got told today from Random House that my paperback which is released this week has entered the best selling charts at number 25....it doesn't go on sale till Thursday this week!

Maybe I will make money this year and can give up the nude haircuts?

Wednesday the 2nd of August 2006
10:14:06 AM

Fringe Day one

I woke up at 7am in Glasgow, decided I didn’t want to be in this business anymore and curled back under duvet. The warmth engulfed me and I went away on a happy dream about wee squirrels and singing shoe horns. Then woke up with a start and realised that I am going to be late for my run through of the play at Assembly. I managed to wash bits of me that would make me appear clean and ran for a train.

I fell asleep on the train, I got to the Assembly rooms, met my two techies (Yum Yum, have you seen these boys? Suddenly I am Joan Collins- what is wrong with me?)

Anyway, I stood on stage and completely forgot my script, then took a breath and it was there. All good.

I then called round to Clouds Accommodation, Mark had a flat all set up with internet and clean sheets and even drove me there in his silver Porsche...so I was happy, I am a princess.

My flat is the new building in Fishmarkets Close; it stands tall and looks into the archway of the Royal Mile. The sliding door windows are fabulous and the newness of the whole place appeals to me. I am really turning into a princess!

Ashley and I love it - her dad unpacked for us both and went off to get shopping done and we headed down to Underbelly to do the tech run of Square Street, the sketch show she wrote.

I keep laughing all the way through the sketches and I am sure I will not be able to do this right. I am not used to sharing a stage with anyone, let alone my crazy daughter.

Then as I was helping husband get out of a tight parking space by running round the car checking for him, my feet slipped on the rainy ground (I love rain after all that fucking heat) but I just tit slammed the concrete, I could feel my jumper pulled up and my boobs cold against the ground, I just lay there assessing the damage to me knee and palms.

Husband sat in the car with his head in his hands. I did get up and opened the car door and said quickly "Its Ok I am Ok"

"Janey, I was scared to look, please fucking stay on your feet, you have three shows a day and I had visions of you with a broken leg"

The UDDERbelly party in Bristo Square was cool, getting to catch up with all the comics and friends.

I am off to Glasgow again today to do the BBC Radio show 'Today Programme' then I come back to Edinburgh and we open with Square Street.

Thursday the 3rd of August 2006
05:09:23 PM

Well, as ever in my full eventful life, I went through to Glasgow today to do the Today programme for BBC Radio 4 with the well talented Jo Jo Sutherland, she was fab on the show and on the way back to Edinburgh in the car we almost died. Well maybe thats an over estimation...but on the M8 a car was belting out hundreds of smoke and looked on the verge of exploding. Jo Jo Decided to slow...yes fucking slow down to get a better look and actually said "Do you think it may explode, look at that smoke" just as we came level with the smokey vehicle!

"Fucking drive fast then, ya mad cow" I shouted.

I did get a pic though, will post it soon.

Ashley and I open tonight, and we are sitting here in the fancy apartment watching flies slowly stick to a fly paper. It really is a game of chance, I have money on the big buzzy blue bottle fly, he looks retarded and I have £20 on him getting stuck first. Ashley lay back and watched the flies and asked "Why do flies fly about in square dance shapes?" I dont know the answer, but how many fucking flies want to come into our house? We have the big window sliding door open and this seems to be an invite.

Maybe we should open a 'fly' venue and see how many we can get in?

Friday the 4th of August 2006
11:17:14 AM

Well last night Square Street opened. It is the sketch show that my daughter Ashley wrote and produced, and that we both perform.

Ashley has not performed comedy at Fringe since she had her own show at 13 years old and was worried that what she now finds funny- no one else would.

We had four reviewers in and a nice audience. I stood backstage with her and watched her face turn a puggled shade of yellow.

Then we went on stage and did the whole thing, some of the show has wee bits of improvised chats and I must admit i almost laughed aloud and I am not allowed to, but if you are standing as a mother to the side of a stage and hear you lovely big child describe anal sex for cash as an Aberdonian hooker who sings a jingle to her punter, then you cannot tell me that somewhere in that moment you are not allowed a giggle.

It reminded me of her standing in a stiff school uniform in that snooty private school aged five singing 'Pink Floyd's The Wall' to the school assembly to welcome open parents day. How I laughed then...and now!

So first night over for Square Street.

The audience laughed aloud, I even saw the wonderful Mr Bennet sit there and giggle happily. I hope they all enjoyed it as much as we did...only another three weeks to go then!

So I then dashed off to show number two of that night. I did Janey Godley's Blog Live! to a nice house and a couple of more reviewers.

Today I start doing all three shows a day and i cannot wait.

The only down side is that my play The Point of Yes is at Assembly and that feels a wee bit far away for me and involves hills that need to be walked and I have already bashed my arms and tits on a pavement and suffered smoke inhalation from a car that burst into flames on the M8.

Next a tiger will escape from a zoo and bite my eye....

Saturday the 5th of August 2006
01:49:11 PM

Fringe Day 3

I woke up in a cold sweat worried sick that my play The Point of Yes would completely fall out of my head just as the show opened today in Assembly Rooms yesterday. Husband walked me up to the venue, laughing at my shaky scared knees tremble, as I slipped and tripped over the evil cobble stones in Edinburgh. “You will be fine, you know the script” he laughed as he walked behind me.

I reached the High Street and saw the whole of the worlds press gathered outside Supreme Court ready for the verdict on the Tommy Sheridan Libel case that is being and fought there, the verdict was due. Tommy was taking the newspaper The News of the World to court over their allegations of him being involved with sex parties and threesomes (how unusual for a politician to get caught up in that shit eh?)

Anyway, shaky legs disappeared and I calmly walked up to the microphone and faced the barrage of cameras. I held up my flier and shouted out

“Ok everyone listen up… news of a threesome, I am doing three shows a day”

The journalists all laughed, and then I launched into some comedy.

“Janey do you think Tommy will win his case?” A man from ITN News shouted out.

“Yes, he is innocent all the way, I know him and he never tried to fuck me, so therefore they are all liars!” I quipped back.

The crowd cheered and I carried on doing my stuff. Policemen gathered round, court officials hung out of windows, camera men vied for better positions and I laughed my ass off at the thought of forty flyers standing on the Royal Mile, trying to get attention and here was a huge collection of the International Press waiting for a performer to arrive…that was me.

I told a few stories, plugged the shows, took a bow, enjoyed the applause and made my way to my opening of the play.

I stood backstage at the Assembly Room’s small theatre space and breathed slowly as I gathered my thoughts to get the script into my head. I heard the audience arrive, I heard them taking seats, I heard my intro music and stepped into the light.

It was great! I recalled the whole show and managed to get through it without fainting or forgetting huge chunks of script…everything went well!

Only two more shows to go.

After Point of Yes, I ran up to Bristo Square and Ashley and I did some stuff to camera for E4. Then we ran down to Underbelly and did the Square Street show. Again- all went well, Ashley and I sat with a nice journalist from
the Telegraph newspaper and chatted, he is interviewing me in the morning.

So I had a quick cuppa and ran upstairs to do my third show of the day Janey Godley’s Blog Live! I got a lovely house and had a great time with the audience.

That’s it three shows done! I headed down to the flat, which is practically next door to the Underbelly and sat down to dinner for the first time that day!

Just as I was about to eat, a huge crowd gathered downstairs from our flat in Fishmarkets close, making the most amount of noise possible. It’s the fucking evil ‘Ghost tour’ that invades us every night.

I pulled back the big glass sliding door and watched some fucking annoying out of work drama student, his face painted white wearing a black cloak shouting shite to a bunch of Chinese people with cameras and a whole gathering of extremely excitable French kids.

I watched as the ‘Dracula man’ had a struggle with a person dressed as a monk!

This is the rehearsed part of the ‘scary tour’ that is supposed to frighten the tourists, fucking take them to a housing scheme outside Edinburgh and let them see junkies fight over a fish supper and that would make their night scary.

Ashley speculated that the monk was his girlfriend who has been roped into taking part in this crappy tourist event; she stood there making up scenarios.

“Please dress as the monk, I hate my life and I can feel your boobies as I work” The Dracula man would say to his reluctant girlfriend.

I watched and waited till they moved on and I could finally eat my dinner in peace, but NO….more screaming as the Dracula dressed man got the Monk on the floor and started rolling around with him.

“Rape!” Ashley shouted out of window, all the tourists looked up to us both standing at the sliding window.

The Dracula man stopped grappling the monk, the monk, stood up and tried hard to get the crowd back into the ‘game’. I laughed my ass off and the Dracula man gave me the finger!

“Is that the best you can do Dracula? Why don’t you fly up here and bite me ya fucker?” I laughed back.

We really must leave the ghost tour people alone, I know they are just doing their job, but it is disturbing with all the screaming and giggling beneath my window.

I headed off to Paul Provenzas late night comedy show, where comics and audience members get to discuss the taboos of comedy. The amazing Doug Stanhope and Andre Vincent were on and the show was awesome.

I chatted a bit and enjoyed the whole premise of discussing what we comics talk about backstage - front stage to an audience. Ashley and I are guests on the show on Sunday.

So today is Saturday and I have just finished my interview with the Telegraph and am getting ready for the whole 3 shows a day thing…again.

Sunday the 6th of August 2006
07:21:07 PM

Not exhausted yet! Everyone keeps asking me if I am tired, like I have cancer or something! Doing three shows a day is fun, I can’t imagine how lazy I was only doing one for the last two years….this is cool!

Well the reviews are coming in, one two star and one four star for the very same show both reviewers attended of Square Street!

Though I have to concede that both are correct…Mr Chortle Steve was appalled at the language and the piss taking and he should be.

“Yes, it's pretty obvious this is comedy unbothered by political correctness” he said and he is right, it does what it says on the flyer!

I did love the fact he said we got “Loud Guffaws” was great, thanks Steve.

Ashley is so loving the controversy that the show is causing and the press reports are in fact putting bums on seats.

Last night I had the lovely Mackenzie Crook and his adorable wife come to see my blog show, that was so nice to see a friendly face in the audience and they both seemed to enjoy the show. Am honoured! A real pirate of the Caribbean in my show made the night!

I did tell him all about Ashley being addicted to Puzzle Pirates on the web….both he and his wife pissed themselves when I told them Ashley stayed up all night because she lost a galleon on rough seas and managed to drop 40 doubloons between the hours of 2am and 4am…she really needs to get a man.

Ashley is studying hard just now as she has three Uni exams between shows next week.

I am not partying too much as I am old, I don’t play internet games as I get sex.

Was well chuffed to wake up today (Sunday) and see three big broadsheets covering all of our shows, one even had a nice big picture Duff publicity is the best!

Must go, am off to shout at a special needs person who gives CPR to a small sheep with a lazy eye (Square Street).

Tuesday the 8th of August 2006
10:34:25 PM

Fringe Day 5

Sorry I went a day without blogging, I was so fucked up and busy you have no idea how mental it’s been. Ashley and I went on the wonderfully funny Paul Provenzas Talk of the Fest show.

It really is just a late night talk show that includes guest comics who talk about comedy from a ‘backstage’ premise yet in front of an audience. I wore a nice dress with dark tights but no knickers, as I hate wearing underwear and thick tights. I didn’t know that as I sat on the raised stage, stupidly opened my legs and had the strong stage lights shine up, that the film crew actually got a Basic Instinct shot! My cervix was probably on view! How embarrassing!

Ashley is still traumatised by the whole event and refuses to even talk about it, even funnily!

Tonight we had great fun on the sketch show, Ashley wrote a new sketch where she makes me break dance and grabs my ankles and spins me on the floor! That’s all I need…to be dragged around a manky floor in a fringe venue!

I love doing all three shows and have been getting early nights.

I am not really exhausted, I am just pacing myself.

I got really good news, my paperback book Handstands in the Dark has just went into the Sunday Times Top Ten best sellers list! How cool is that?

I am so proud and happy.

Wednesday the 9th of August 2006
01:11:33 PM

Fringe day six…

I am appalled at my lack of socialising skills, every night I am in bed by 10pm!

Today I got up and had to go do a radio show about my Blog Live! Show which incidentally got FOUR STARS in the List! WOW!

That’s two sets of FOUR stars we had got since arriving, because Square Street the sketch show I do with my daughter also got a four star review!

The only down side of living off the High Street is the fucking noise…it is mental. Every night - people stumble past drunk, shouting loudly and EVERY night someone sits beneath our window and moans as if being beaten to death with a lead pipe. What the fuck is that about?

I now wear ear plugs to bed. That’s sad.

Husband is making me mental, he sits around half naked eating the contents of the fridge and complains about the strange hours we are keeping, the too-ing and fro-ing that Ashley and I get up to….what did he think was going to happen? I am doing THREE shows a day, I am not a normal person, if he wanted normal he should have married a housewife!

I reckon after 27 years of marriage, I should be allowed a day off to go have sex with my man of choice. Why can this NOT happen? Surely marriage should work on a points system …like Air-miles or a loyalty card? I get to be faithful and kind for so many years then I am allowed to fuck a stranger of my choice, or even like a supermarket system where I get two for the price of one? I want that to happen.

I must be grumpy in my old age; this morning as I stepped out of the shower, I heard my door being knocked. I wrapped a towel around me and opened the door to see fourteen young Korean girls all dressed exactly the same, with the same hair style and same round glasses. I thought for a horrified moment this was a strange Fringe show that went round the houses, knocking and performing!

“We are so solly” they all chimed.

“What the fuck is this?” I screamed at them, annoyed that I am dripping and cold at my door.

“You are not our teacher” One girl blurted out.

“No I am fucking not, now piss off and use your combined brains to work out which door to knock on and don’t come back here, I lash out at strangers” I snapped back.

I am cruel.

So the sun is out, the rain came on, and then the sun came back out…typical Edinburgh weather. I am off to relax.

Friday the 11th of August 2006
02:39:30 PM

Fringe day eight

I know I am a slacker, I have been neglecting me blog badly!

Last night on the way home from a gig up at Bristo Square Ashley and I came across the same wee drunk man who sits near our flat.

He is still saying “Arrgyaddacabbageyuklaucktjsfjh”

Fuck knows what it means.

Ashley went through to Uni yesterday to sit an exam, so if you see her give her a hug, she deserves it.

I was reading in the news all about the new threat of liquid bombs on flights and wondered how long it will be before the scary ANGRY militant Muslims ( I say this as it is politically incorrect to say Muslims in general, and quite rightly so, but to be honest I should be allowed to say Angry Militant Muslims …though this also causes consternation, but I think we all know that it isn’t the ANTI-FUR brigade, because it isn’t them- strangely enough we have to all accept it is a crazy Muslim related group of people that are doing this shit, that’s not me being politically deviant I am just telling it how it is)

Anyway I wonder how long it will be before they start inserting exploding tampax into their bodies. That would be hard to find and easy to hide. I hope that hasn’t given anyone ideas.

I have a sore leg, because my daughter Ashley has written a new scene into the Sketch Show Square Street where she makes me break dance, well to be honest she just drags me around the stage by the ankle. I am so sore.

I have had great reviews for which I am grateful….five reviews, all of them FOUR stars except the Chortle review.

Mind you Steve is always the voice of reason and I respect that though I do wish he had reviewed my autobiography. He has had the book a year and it only has been released on paperback five days and already made it to the Sunday Times Top Ten Best Sellers!

Come on Steve….its becoming strange that you haven’t reviewed it- people will say we are in Love and you don’t want that rumour…it will kill your street cred! LOL

I am pissing myself laughing but with politeness at the Theatre Review from Broadway Baby…they gave me FOUR stars for my play Point of Yes, but the review said three times that I was discussing HEROINE as opposed to HEROIN!

Yes, my character is obsessed with Grace Darling and Florence Nightingale, fuck drugs, and get into women who braved the elements and disease!

Ashley and I had a great show at Moovers and Shakers, a variety bill at the big upside-down cow in Bristo Square. It was really cool to have a really big crowd laugh at the sketches, although Ashley did take the piss out of me continually and make sure everyone there saw my ‘flabby bingo wings’ …she is a bitch.

I have been getting great comments on my website guest book from fellow comics all supporting me and it really warms my soul to see so many people in this business actually send kind words to each other in this frantic madness of Edinburgh…so thanks to all who did.

I love that you took the time to go to my website….Karma will come right back at you in heaps, and boy! do you deserve that. XXX hugs and kisses!

Saturday the 12th of August 2006
01:29:47 PM

Fringe day nine….

I have had enough rambling about venues, reviews, performances and all that other crap that makes me smile when I am bored. Here is the low-down. I am fucking so laughing at myself for even attempting to bring along nice clothes, high heel sandals, and fresh new make up. I have no time to wear anything other than last night’s knickers and eat salad that is leaking out of a plastic bowl into my handbag that has left my purse smelling of coleslaw.

I run to The Assembly Rooms to perform my play -constantly stripping down to my tatty bra in front of a smiling gruff Mike Wilmot who balks every time.

He is in Rich Halls play Levelland and we share a dressing room, no matter how many times I try to time the tatty bra strip, poor Mike catches sight of my flabby belly and huge boobs…poor man must on stage traumatised.

I then manage to wipe off some of the sweat of playing a drug addict and rush down to the Underbelly whilst munching on a salad bowl from my dirty handbag (how nice is that?) then I get on stage and let Ashley take the piss out of me for a whole hour, she even drags me around that stage by the ankles!

I then run outside, grab a fag and munch more salad or even lick the side of my purse as it has some coleslaw on it and run upstairs to the Underbelly and perform my show Janey Godley’s Blog Live!

Then I drag my sad smelly sweat stained ass, yesterdays knickers, coleslaw smeared face and run home to finally shower and promise myself a clean pair of knickers for tomorrow. Then I may run off and do late night gigs, eyes hollow, make up gone and a strange mixture of salad and sweat STILL reeking off my clothes.

Where and when was I planning to wear a clean white linen dress and cork heeled wedges? Where was I going to find time to blow dry my hair?

You know what; I don’t even get to sleep properly -the noise from Fishmarkets Close is fucking un-bearable, people scream, gulls cry, all night long we have fucking tours- literally tours, murder tours ( I could fucking arrange that soon).

You know what? I LOVE IT….all of it.

I love being here, I love getting on stage – I love the smell….I am not sure about the stinky knickers, but if you see me running with tufty knotted hair, smelly arm pits and munching limp salad…smile and know that I am having a great time.

Tuesday the 15th of August 2006
12:23:05 PM

Fringe day ‘whatever’..!

I have clearly forgotten what day I am on! The Fringe does that to you.

Ashley and I love Square Street, the sketch show that she wrote and I am pissing myself with excitement at the reviews! So far we have had eight reviews covering all three shows and seven have got four stars! WHOOPPEEEEE.

Ashley plays a special needs person in the sketch show in one the many skits we do and I play her carer, last night two special needs people with their carers came to see it and Ashley and I almost died! I have to say I clenched EVERYTHING in my body that was clench able, as soon as Ashley entered the stage dressed with the huge glasses that have a ‘lazy eye’ patch over one lens and her bulky collection of strange key rings around her neck, one of the special needs people made a big ‘Moooooooooo’ noise.

I looked at Ashley, she looked at me and we both almost combusted, the audience held its breath, Ashley turned to me and said “Don’t laugh at my livestock, I keep them in my kitchen” and pointed off stage.

The whole place fell apart laughing, including the carers and the people they were with.

It was a lovely feeling to be able to be vindicated and our sketch was justified in its content. The carers told us they loved the show and identified with it. That is an awesome compliment.

My play up at Assembly is called Point of Yes and it’s getting rave reviews! I am so chuffed with that, I have always wanted to do a straight play, which I had written and performed and you have no idea how cool it is to stand on that stage every day and perform it.

Yesterday I passed those scary painted statues on the Royal Mile and felt that dreadful urge to go push them over…..how passive/aggressive is that?

I mean what the fuck are they doing? There are squillions of statues in Edinburgh, real ones, good ones….why do they do that shite and cause the pavements to get congested? Why do people stand and stare at them? If you give money to people for standing still for ages then the Big Issue sellers have missed out on a new marketing technique. Drunks that sleep on the pavement should be paid.

Today I am up early, I am nervous about my spot on ‘Just a Minute’ on BBC Radio 4.

What if I cannot talk? What if hundreds of words come out of my mouth and none of the words make sense? What if Paul Merton gets up forcibly throws me out on my ear?

I am scared but excited.

Friday the 18th of August 2006
02:28:46 AM

Fringe day…who knows?

Today is Friday, it is 2am…I think? I am not so sure to be honest. The Edinburgh Fringe is a bit like a scary time vortex, I no longer know where or who I am.

I appeared on the famous BBC Radio 4 show ‘Just a Minute’. This show is so huge and wonderful I was so scared I would fuck it up and have to be thrown into the nearest wheelie bin for my lack of talking skills….but I think it went just fine.

Yesterday I hit that wall of tiredness that those signs over motorways warn you about; luckily I wasn’t driving a car.

I was about to perform my play and my brain actually froze dead.

I was standing backstage behind the black curtain waiting to go on and do the whole 55 minutes of this play, all the words are mine all the actions are mine and I know it inside out- yet my brain started to play re-runs of Little House on the Prairie for no apparent fucking reason!

My thought pattern was completely disjointed and my heart started racing…FUCK FUCK…my head screamed to me…as soon as I stepped into the light, every single word came flooding into my soul. It was like my brain was fucking with me, it was teasing me and waiting to see how long it could scare me! I really don’t need my own brain sabotaging my career….I suppose I was just over tired, but it actually was one of the best performances I feel I had.

There is a scene in the play where I play an addict who is trying to apologise to her dead mother and at that moment when I imagined my own murdered mothers coffin, my eyes filled up and my throat tightened and I actually thought I was going to fall apart on stage, but it felt strangely powerful and pertinent in that instant and I used it to carry the dialogue through the scene.

I loved the show today- despite the exhaustion.

I then ran up into the old Town and got to the Underbelly and went into the Sketch show with Ashley, it is so entertaining to do that show and not really tiring for me, as it does feel like too much fun.

Blog Live! Is on at 8.10pm and I had a lovely house and a great time. Although by then I was kinda worn out, it is exactly half way through the festival and I just love it.

Ashley went home today to sit an exam at University and made it back in time for the show, she is a fucking trooper.

Husband has gone home to Glasgow for a break from the mad ‘Travelling Gypsy Jester’ family that we have become.

He really doesn’t enjoy all the ups and downs that go with being a performer or their partner; he hates the adrenaline rush, the worry and the fear of failure that seems to push us Godley/Storrie girls to the limit.

I am sure if he had his way I would dressed in a gingham apron, hair in a tight bun and making flans and Ashley would be five years old forever, with her hair in pigtails wearing angel wings and inviting everyone in the block to the funeral of dead goldfish!

That aint gonna happen…I can’t bake and she has discovered high heeled boots and boys.

Poor husband, he told me last week that we had now been married for 25 years- Eight months and 14 days; I looked at him and said

“Ok Shawshank who is counting? Have you hammered an escape hole in the bedroom wall with a fucking toffee hammer?”

One day I will get very old and stop travelling, stop comedy, stop being me and settle down to a life of crossword puzzles and slippers. Not yet.

Sunday the 20th of August 2006
10:27:47 PM

Fringe day ‘who cares?’

I have now had too many late nights! I am loving it but incredibly tired and excited.

Though I haven’t yet lost my hatred of that noisy fucking ‘tard’ that dresses up every night and takes tourists on the ghost tour outside my window here in Edinburgh.

I nearly pissed myself last night as the co-hort that helps the ghost tour dressed as a monk with a scary mask ran into my daughter Ashley as we were leaving our building.

She was coming downstairs outside the block of flats, when MONK-WANK came running up behind her and stupidly shouted “Arrrggghhh, I am a scary monk”

Ashley stopped in her tracks, turned and grabbed his brown oat mealy cloak and screamed back at him “Yes, I know what you fucking are, you noisy tit, I hear you every night, shouting outside our window with the out- of -work -actor ‘Dracula’ that disturbs our only sit down meal of the day, my only wish is that I can shoot you between the eyes with a ball bearing gun and get off free, now get out of my way”

I stood there laughing my head off, I know she was being churlish, but for the love of God…EVERYNIGHT for near on twenty nights we have suffered this shit.

So there we have it….my daughter almost punched a monk.

On a better note, I had the lovely wonderful actor Beth Cordingly; she is in the play ‘Breakfast with Johnny Wilkinson’ at the Udderbelly, come to see my play The Point of Yes and told me she really enjoyed it. She is an amazing actor and writer and for her to compliment my work was awesome.

So today I am tired, overworked and exhausted but serenely happy.

Tuesday the 22nd of August 2006
02:09:59 PM

Keeping out of my daughter’s life….

Well I did try,- she is 20 years of age and I was married at her age.

Ok …here is the story; she met a comic in NZ called Cori. He is relatively new-ish and we both supported him when we were over there, giving him any advice about the UK we could, Ashley even filmed his show for him.

Ashley had a bit of a crush on him and with him being single it all looked lovely. I immediately had reservations as I don’t want my daughter dating a ‘comic’ I know that’s wrong but in this industry we ‘comics’ are not the best people to be involved in as we tend to be fucked up self obsessed nutters.

(I know- I am one of those).

Anyway, she was a bit smitten and she and he had lots of time of flirting and getting on, though I must point out that nothing actually went on between them.

I spoke to him and told him I didn’t like him showing any interest as I don’t want her getting involved with someone on the other side of the world as we would be leaving NZ soon and as my daughter has NEVER had any relationship I didn’t want her heart being broken by some guy who saw her as a holiday romance. He agreed and was nice about this and I respect that.

So they both agreed to keep it friendly though Ashley was courting a huge crush on him, and that was lovely to watch and hard on me as I am a mother and I would rather poke out my own eyes that watch her being hurt. I know she has to go through pain sometimes and there is only so much I can do without being interfering so I shut up….though I did at one point tell him if he hurt her emotionally I would actually stick an axe in his forehead and I pointed out on his head with my index finger where that axe would go!

So….he finally came to Edinburgh as he has been in the UK working as a comic for a few weeks. I was pleased to see him and Ashley was excited and as high as a kite! They both went out the other night as he only had three days in Scotland before going off again to do comedy somewhere else.

He arrived and promptly got very drunk and Ashley went back to his place. She was so excited and so she should be, she was totally smitten kittens with this guy and she has waited ages for him to get here and finally kiss.

They had a bit of a snog and Ashley was annoyed as he was very drunk and she decided she would not sleep with him as she didn’t want to have to remind him in the morning what they had done, and as she is very moral about her personal sexual choices (fuck knows where she got that from?) she didn’t want to feel as though she had ‘raped’ him and surely if this was their first time the very least he could do was remember the event that would be so important to her? (I may not have done much right in my life, but my daughter is a fucking star as far as I am concerned, she will never fuck a man for a hug that’s for sure!).

So the next night when they met up he then told her he had a girlfriend back in NZ. Ashley was shattered, she was so angry that he had led her on and he had months to tell her he was involved with a girl, they had kissed and been quite intimate, she was fuming and felt so stupid she sat and cried.

I then was about to get the cunt killed, I could press one number on speed dial and he would be history, but I know violence will not solve this.

So he was leaving Edinburgh last night and she refused to go along to the party and say goodbye to him. I urged her to go and at least get closure, she refused. She told me she had said all she needed to say and now sits wondering if all men are liars and doubts her own self worth, so I am now sharpening an axe again…

I am proud of her, she never compromised herself, he on the other hand came to Edinburgh, the BIGGEST COMEDY festival in the WORLD…he never got a gig, he never went and saw gig- he never went to meet any promoters, he never used his valuable time to make himself known to people who would be important to his career here in UK….he got drunk.

Ashley on the other hand managed to do her show and go back to Glasgow to do an exam at Uni….so Cori, if you are reading this…. THANKS….I never did have to axe you, you managed to fuck it up yourself and I hope you get your career up and running, I hope you sort yourself out, I do hope you meet a woman who stands by you and you love her with all your life and I hope more than anything you stop drinking yourself into oblivion. You are someone’s son, I am sure your parents are proud of you, but not as much as I am proud of my child today. I am rooting for you Cori, I know there is a good soul in there waiting to be found and fixed, I am just glad it’s not my daughter who takes on that project.

Be-safe but more than that be-ware…..me.

PS- Yes Cori, this did go on my blog, all 120 sites that get over 10,000 hits a day, journalists, bloggers and people from all over the world will have read this….so look…you are famous after all!

On a lighter note, Ashley and I had great fun on Bruce Devlin’s daily show at The Stand comedy club. It was a chat show thing and was really nice, Bruce is a good host.

Thursday the 24th of August 2006
01:51:07 PM

I have a boil on my cheek…..

I have no idea which Fringe day it is, but so far I have done about 68 shows…I am not sure exactly but for sure 60 performances of my own three shows daily SO FAR!

I have a nasty lump boil on my cheek that started as an insect bite, it has now developed into a hard lump and I ended up vomiting last night. Now I don’t vomit like other people, I even need an audience for that! I am so scared I will choke that I made John (my manager) stand near the loo as I retched.

I once was so scared I would choke in my vomit that I made a concierge from a hotel in Cardiff stand beside me as I puked….that’s awful isn’t it?

I am sure there are men who find watching women vomit sexually exciting and I wasted that time on a grumpy concierge! I am sure there must be a website dedicated to it.

I am over the moon with the festival to be honest, all of my shows have had four star reviews and the play at the Assembly in particular has had great critical acclaim. I have had lovely TV people in very interested in the play and the sketch show…which is good news all round.

Today I have decided to write another book, this time fiction. I am so fired up with the idea that even whilst I was vomiting last night I was still thinking about the plot line!

Ashley has had a great time as well, it is so good to be able to live with and work with her, the press keep asking if we fight and they hardly believe that we don’t. She is fucking great to have around and her infectious humour makes my day. Thank God she has her father’s height and my sense of humour; it could have gone the other way.

The book is still selling well, more than we ever imagined and I am so proud of that, it was such a buzz to be able to be at the fringe and have a top best seller out at the same time. I don’t think I will ever be able to recreate that feeling again, as long as I live! Well at least until I write the next one and hopefully it will sell well.

So we are near the end, I did manage to do three shows + a day, I did manage to get four stars for all three shows, I did manage to have a good time and my philosophy of enjoying it did happen. My mammy was killed at 47 and I am 45 and Ashley and I have decided to have the best time for the next two years and do everything we wanted to- and so far it’s working!

Thanks also to the LOVELY Steve Bennet for the amazing FOUR star review on CHORTLE website, I had the smallest audience EVER this fringe and he still enjoyed the show. I love him!

Monday the 28th of August 2006
01:24:34 AM

Well its all over now!...

Yes it is, I managed to do 83 shows in 24 days! Three shows a day of my own and a few late night radio and comedy gigs to boot, all my own shows -produced by myself, all posters and flyers designed by myself, and one show written by my daughter (Square Street), all shows were publicised by the wonderful DUFF PUBLICITY which was awesome and working at The Assembly was amazing with my one woman play The Point of Yes (which received critical acclaim!), and of course my resident home for comedy The Underbelly!

I have NEVER in my life had such a good time working with Ashley on that mental Sketch Show…the critics were split on their opinion, yet audiences loved it, TV people adored it and some folk came back two or three times to see it and it even SOLD OUT!

How cool is that?

My play was a great success receiving about five FOUR star reviews and great things written about my writing and acting….I am so blessed.

To top it all my autobiography went to the TOP TEN in UK best sellers list!

So I have had a wonderful time and my philosophy about making sure I have a stress-free Fringe came true….all three shows got four STAR reviews, all three shows got a lot of people in and all three shows were the best fun I have had in years!

I know trying to make cash here is a nightmare, but it really isn’t about that, in 2003 I came to the Fringe with a play and a comedy show and left with a book deal!

2004 I left the Fringe with a TV deal and London West End show, 2005 I left with a radio deal and film offer, another London West End show and this year looks even better with the interest surrounding the Sketch Show, comedy writing and theatrical offers, I am even in talks about a tour!

Who knows what the fuck might happen next? Maybe I will get to have sex with 50 Cent? I have talked about it enough it may just happen. I want him….NOW.

John Fleming, my manager has been such strength, his patient passionate pushing of me has been a rock to my shaky confidence and I would not have gotten through it without him.

My husband went home in the first week of the fringe as he is not great around the craziness that surrounds a major arts festival; he needs normal people, not 8 squillion mad people vying for attention…..it makes his soul weak. Yet his support by phone kept my spirits up! He even paid a flying visit and spent half a day with me….we just lay in bed and hugged for most of that…it was nice.

Most of all as I sit here in this lovely but noisy flat in the centre of Edinburgh all I will recall is the ridiculously wonderful time I spent with Ashley, these memories will last forever, even until I am on my last legs and ancient, I will still recall the laughter we shared as we corpsed and spat laughing, shouting, abusing, insulting each other in sketches that both shocked and amazed people who sat in that wee room with us as we displayed those wild skits we made up on a plane journey or in a café or sitting in our living room in Glasgow….that is what makes it all worthwhile. I am so proud of her for working hard and never flagging or giving up….always believing in herself.

I even managed to start writing a new book! Yes ….fiction this time and I am so fired up and excited…watch this space. Goodbye Edinburgh…for yet another year!

Tuesday the 29th of August 2006
09:11:38 PM

All Back to Normality…..

Here I am in Glasgow, I am so pumped with adrenaline that I cannot sleep or properly rest.

After the whirlwind of the Fringe, I thought after 80 odd shows I assumed I would go home and sleep like a raped hostage victim, turns out I am still high as a kite!

I still have a boil on my cheek and my gums are bleeding….stress apparently- But I don’t feel stressed, maybe after all these years of saying I never get depressed or worried all this time- I have been- and just not noticed it? Can that happen?

Does that mean I am unaware of what my body and soul tells me and I could actually be dying and not really fucking recognise it? Hopefully not.

So good to get into my own bed and unpack that huge bag, but I am off again soon to do comedy on the road again. So maybe the bag should just have stayed packed?

Husband freaked out this morning when I woke up, and wandered around the room looking for the toilet….I do get quite disorientated at times and it is mental. I even called him Colin…and I don’t know a Colin! Divorce will loom if this keeps up.

I am loving writing my new book, fuck the ideas keep flowing and I am so buzzing with words that just flow into the laptop…..not necessarily good words but fun none the less.

Ashley is like a dead dog in her bed, just lying there with her wee face all serene as she sleeps, but her wee tongue hangs out…its funny and cute!

I have work all this week and I am hoping the lumpy red cheek spot goes as soon as.

The blood is bleeding in my mouth daily from these gums.

I got my gums diagnosed in my hallway as the lady downstairs is a dentist, she has just had a new lovely baby, I checked the baby out, she checked my gums out under the hall light….I am too busy to go a dentist just now.

I need to get some special mouthwash, means I can’t kiss husband at the moment, which is a relief for him I suppose.

Must go and get the Dracula taste from my mouth just now, holy fuck how bad does blood taste? YUK!

Thursday the 31st of August 2006
09:31:42 PM

Life after the Fringe….

So here I am still writing my new book, and loving it. I am still extremely chuffed that my current autobiography had reached number 10 in the UK TOP BEST SELLERS LIST for two weeks and is currently sitting still in the top 20.

I am off to London next week for some TV meetings and various interviews and I am so bloody tired today. My lumpy boil is still sitting quietly on my cheek and waiting patiently to destroy my confidence, why won’t it GO?

I have a wee plaster on my face like Nelly the black Rapper.

Went to see baby Abi yesterday and had to sit quietly and listen to her tell me a huge story that took 28 minutes, it involved purple dragons that couldn’t breath fire as it was too thirsty and guzzled water, a warthog that befriended her when she took it from a zoo and small fairies that licked her face when she slept.

She then added that she is often locked up in her room for ten days (she held up two fat fingers) wasn’t allowed to eat and no one speaks to her….(David Peltzer eat your heart out, this child is not called IT but has an amazing imagination).

Abi is loved and cherished but she likes to tell tall tales, as she told me of her horrible existence her poor heavily pregnant mum sat there in shock at these abusive revelations! God knows if Abi ever spoke to a Social Worker we would all be put in prison! She then asked me if she could come to a comedy gig and get on stage with me as she has a funny story to tell. She is three years old!

So after listening to her I laughed my ass off and promised to come back soon and take her to a comedy gig. I am sure she would actually do a gig and get a huge round of applause.

Life is strange trying to get back into a normal way of life after a festival, but I am getting there. I still have a huge washing to get done and mail to get through.

My gums have stopped bleeding, so that’s a relief.

Speak soon.