Janey's Blogs - July 2006
the 1st of July 2006
Well the first
night of Soho Theatre gig was good and the second night was awesome,
if I say so myself. I love talking about this blog and the people
who came to the shows enjoyed talking about blogs, coz I did ask
It was nice
to see people like Howard come back ( Howard and his wife have been
to see all my shows at Soho and Cochrane theatre) and he brought
along his friends and family, they are such a cool bunch of people
who basically pay to hear me swear a bit and chat, yet keep coming
back! How nice is that?
So here I am
at 7-30am, sitting in a beautiful sunlit room in Chelsea. I am getting
ready to get a cab to the Jenny Éclair radio show, then dash
off to the BBC studios to interview Jo Frost the Supernanny
from TV for the BBC Radio 4 Loose Ends show.
Husband is lying
fast asleep on the bed and snoring gently, I never saw much of him
yesterday as he was out with friends.
After the gig
last night I went along to Groucho club and the lovely snazzy Bernie
had a disco night! I was dancing
been fucking ages but Bernie
who works at Groucho is the sparkiest dude in the world and always
makes me smile. He is the kinda guy who you know has come into a
room even if you cant see him, you FEEL him
big vibes of fun!
Was later joined
by Brendon Burns, whom I love dearly and we had a good old natter
before I caught a cab home. So I was out late and am tired but ready
for another day. I love London and hope England win at football
On another note,
talking about the blog made me realise that people out there do
read this, and I feel disconnected to them which in turn has made
me reveal myself more to their anonymous ears, and that has been
so very good for me.
the new therapy!
for being there and sharing this with me, you made me have a show
for Edinburgh this year!
Sunday the 2nd
of July 2006
3 Fights at Soho and
Well all the shows went well, I did enjoy doing the Jenny Éclair radio show and the Loose Ends piece, all of which you can hear on my website and Livedigital.
I was up at 7am to get the cab to Jennys show. I was so fucked
and tired, thats what I get for staying out late at Groucho
will I learn?
and ran downstairs of the fancy apartment block and got into cab.
Then after that show I got a car to take me to BBC Broadcasting
house and even this early 10am the sun was BEATING down and it was
really really hot.
I love Ned Sherrin
and Loose ends show on BBC Radio 4. It is so good to be involved
in that show.
So I left the
pub that Ned has his drink/lunch in and decided to walk it back
to Chelsea. What a fucking mistake.
The sun was
beating on my skin and I could feel the burn start.
So I headed
for Piccadilly to get on the tube and walked straight into Gay Pride
it was awesomely beautiful but there were 400 flumpty
million gay people dancing and on floats and marching blowing whistles
and I couldnt cross the road to get to the tube and I was
dying in the burny heat, so I decided to run through them and they
all screamed and shouted at me
.fuck I have upset the only
group of people who actually ever accepted me BUT I had to get home!
I love the gay community and support them totally! Now they were
mad at me! So that was fight number one for that day.
I managed to
get to the other side only to find the tube was blocked, so I decided
to follow the march down near Trafalgar Square and make my way home
on foot as a taxi was out of the question as the roads were blocked
I had now turned
into Lawrence of Arabia in the fucking 90 degree heat. My skin was
prickly my hay fever was nipping my eyes and I was dehydrated.
The dynamics of London was interesting as there was thousands of
England World Cup fans mixing with the biggest Gay march in UK and
that was funny, but lovely as the gay guys were all dancing and
cheering the topless fit and fat boys who were wearing their England
football tops (not usually a group that would normally mix and be
friendly in that many numbers!) the gay Pride march transvestites
were shouting England for the World Cup the football
guys laughed and cheered back! (Bless).
Anyway I as
walked down the road I was stuck in front of the Protesting Christian
Group (dont they do anything else?).
protestors were penned in behind a barricade and strangely all dressed
in woolly cardigans (in that heat?) and one man had a wee megaphone
shouting You will all go to hell this was drowned out
by the sound of thousand of gay folks dancing to loud disco music
blowing whistles. The police were standing round the Christians,
in case any trouble started, like as if the gay people would stop
dancing and go argue? Fuck off!
I watched the
protestors watching the crowds and I leaned over and asked one of
the scary God Botherers Dont you feel like dancing?
The man in the hot Fair Isle woolly sweater snarled at me and shouted
dancing wouldnt make you gay I added with a laugh.
The man lifted
his megaphone and shouted at me You are a lesbian and will
die in hell
I looked at
him and shouted back No I am not and you will go to hell for
lying about me ya scary mad person.
stepped forward and said to me Please stop harassing the protestors
I am not
harassing them, he called me a lesbian, I have nothing against gay
people but that is wrong and I can sue him for slander, I asked
him he felt like dancing, that isnt an accusation
So I walked
away, called husband to let him know where I am and then walked
straight into flumpty million England supporters who were red and
sticky and drunk all waiting for the England versus Portugal match
to happen (well we know now how that turned out!...poor fuckers)
heard me talking with my broad Scottish accent on my mobile and
they started shouting Scottish bastard at me
managed to get away from that fucking situation and ran down into
St. Jamess park. The sun was now burning my arms and neck,
I tried to get shade in the trees, I was dying here.
Finally I got
a cab to the flat.
So last night
husband got backstage VIP tickets to see Roger Waters play Pink
Floyd hits in Hyde Park! He is a huge fan and to get those tickets
was amazing, we have a friend who works in the industry and she
was generous. Ashley my daughter and my husband LOVE Pink Floyd
and she was so upset she was missing this concert! She called me
from Glasgow to tell me this, but as Pink Floyd sung her daddy held
up his mobile phone from the lovely seated VIP area and let her
share the moment with him.
I sloped off back into mental Soho hell to do my last night of Janey Godley blog Live! At Soho theatre ..by 9pm the place looked fucking trashed there were millions of broken bottles, plastic cups, heaps of trash, drunken people and squillions of glittery sprayed pink flamingoed drag queens, tottering drunkenly over the cobbled stones of the ancient London street.
Gay Pride culminated
in the same street as my theatre
All in all I got a really good audience and had a really nice show. I am lucky, loads of comedy clubs shut last night as we all know England got booted out of the world cup and people were so despondent and sad .but I made some of them laugh.
4th of July 2006
So I finally
got to the airport in London to fly home to Glasgow. The heat in
London is a fucking killer. As I lifted my bag at the check in with
good old-my favourite airline who lost my luggage and once abused
me- British Airways, I mention to the assistant that my case looked
unsafe on the conveyor belt she tags it at-Let me put it on
its side I say No its fine she answers, clicks
the belt to move and the heavy square case tips forward to me and
tumbles right off the belt and lands on my chaffed by new
I told you it wasnt safe there, ya mad woman! I scream.
She came running
round the check in desk and looks at my toe apologetically and says
Is it broken?
know I left my x-ray specs with Zoltar the ice woman back in Chelsea!
How the fuck would I know if its broken, do I look like the
freaky Russian child who can see through flesh?
I am sorry
She muttered and adds for full Janey blast of anger effect It
wasnt my fault, the conveyor belt jolted it forward
I look her right
in the eye and forget all pain in my toe and shout loud enough for
the wee woman in terminal four toilets who has tinnitus in
both ears, and once stood beside Concorde and asked what the champagne
pop was'- to hear clearly Yes and I told you it looked unsafe
and I wanted to move it forward but you decided to not let me do
that and it fell on my toe! So dont blame the conveyor belt
that you pressed to move as my case was still able to be made safe!
made and I hobbled off to gate five to await my plane.
Finally we boarded
and as I entered the aeroplane and handed over my ticket to check
what seat I would be jammed into, a bottle fell of the galley area
and bounced onto the tip of my sandal, narrowly missing my toe by
a crotch hair, I think British Airways are desperate to break one
of my toes in time for the Edinburgh festival.
is a huge conspiracy between the PR people at Edinburgh (by the
way Fiona Duff my PR is fucking great-best ever PR for comedy in
the entire world-not like the PR that Scottish tennis player Andrew
Murray has- his PR let him write on his blog that he would support
ANY team that played England as he is a bitter Scot- he wrote that
as he is playing in ENGLAND he has shit PR) I believe there is some
strange thing where I get my toes broke and cant go perform at Edinburgh
and Fiona loses some strange bet!
Anyway I am
sitting on the flight and husband puts in the overhead locker a
plastic bottle of ginger beer I have been drinking. I made sure
it was shut tight but as we landed it seems some escaped the bottle
and it couldnt have been much as I checked how much was left.
Some had seeped
into the handle of my laptop and some had dampened the bottom of
a German blokes computer bag. I know this as I apologised
when he showed it to me on the plane as we were leaving.
I got to the
luggage carousel the German bloke started huffing and moaning holding
up is slightly Damp corner of his bag. Now I know how inconvenient
that can be so I asked him did he want me to soap that wee bit and
dry it in the toilets.
is completely ruined he shouted at me. (Not a fucking good
I snapped. Look
mate I apologised and I will dry it for you, is the stuff inside
is it completely ruined then?, is the stuff inside damp at all?
Is it just that wee corner of the outside that is a wee bit damp?
I asked him.
your name and address to claim He snapped back.
its not a fucking car accident, look you claim BA, it is NOT completely
ruined now shut up, its a wee bit damp and I have apologised
and I have offered to dry it
get over it
at him now.
completely ruined he repeated.
This was it,
I had had enough Look mate the Germans bombed Clydebank, a
wee bit of Glasgow got damaged but the whole city was not completely
ruined so fuck off and take your damp un-ruined corner of
the outside of your bag and fuck off I dragged off my luggage
and took my extremely stressed and now totally racist attitude to
the taxi rank as husband thanked God someone else had did more than
him to annoy me.
Sorry German man, wrong place wrong person to shout at.
Friday the 7th
of July 2006
So I made it
to Swaylcliffe, I am not sure how to spell it, but thats how
it sounds. It is just near Banbury-near Oxford. I did a lovely gig
last night at QI club in Oxford, the place is divine and wonderful
and the food is amazing. Monica and her sister and a mate came along
and watched Good Godley! (My show) and we had a really nice night.
lives here and thats why we are in Swaylcliffe, the house
is a big L shaped converted barn with a real thatched roof and roses
round the door. The only draw back is the amount of tiny wee flies
that come and descend on your entire body when you step outside;
its like a fucking plague.
I am not used
to the countryside or the amount of wee tweeting birds and whistle
Tonight I am
doing Jongleurs Oxford and when I saw the town last night I was
gob smacked, honestly the architecture is breathtakingly beautiful.
I am loving my wee sabbatical country retreat; though finally getting
the internet was cool.
I waited till
the house was empty and against all the rules ( I am a rebel) I
figured out how to wire up the broadband. You see the house is being
re decorated and everything is upside down and I was advised not
to touch electrical stuff, but I DID IT! Hurrah
may get electrocuted
any minute but fuck it I have finally reached the world! You get
no signal on your mobile phone or anything here.
So till tomorrow .
8th of July 2006
Meeting Ed Bartlams dad
So I got dropped
off at Banbury rail station to get the train into central Oxford
where I would be hosting the Jongleurs comedy gig. Sitting at the
station I started to much into crisps. They were yummy as I hadnt
eaten all day.
I noticed a
middle aged grey haired man sitting beside me in the station concourse.
spoil your tea eating them he said in a Glasgow accent. I
smiled and carried on as the last thing I wanted was to do was chat
to a Glaswegian. He insisted I talked back and as soon as he heard
my voice he chipped Where are you from in Glasgow?
So I filled
him in quickly and explained that I was a comedian etc etc
He went quiet
and listened as I told him that I travelled the world doing my job
and thats why I was sitting in Banbury station.
He looked straight
at me, his old Glasgow teeth crookedly smiling and he asked in all
seriousness Does your husband let you do this?
I just looked
at him, took a breath and eighty million images flashed through
my head, scenarios where I am in a crinoline dress, batting
a fan and begging my husbands permission for me to go to a
hat shop without an escort. I laughed out loud and couldnt
even begin to explain the dynamics of my life, and why should I?
Then over the intercom came the announcement that my train to Oxford
will be delayed with no time limit on when it would arrive.
got up and headed for the information desk. I quickly ascertained
that a taxi was needed to get me to the gig.
that there was no other way to go I stood amongst about 79 people
and said loudly Does anyone want to taxi share to Oxford?
A young guy
with dark hair and headphones piped up Yep, I am in
and a well -dressed quite distinguished man in a suit came forward
and said to me Yes, I am in.
The bunch of
strangers but taxi chums that we had become headed for the exit
of Banbury station.
We got in the
car; got the price that we had to split between us all and belted
up. I sat quiet in the cab still laughing to myself that there were
still men who thought your husband allowed you to work
in a job that I have created and am good at!
Just then the
distinguished looking man in the front seat turned round to me and
said in a really lovely posh accent I know you, I have seen
your show at Edinburgh
The black haired guy sitting beside me looked at me full on and I smiled at the front seat man and said
are Janey Godley; I am Ed Bartlams dad
I gasped and laughed out loud, Ed Bartlam is the co owner of the Underbelly Venue at the Edinburgh Fringe where I have been performing for the last four years, and will be performing two of my three shows this year.
Ed is a lovely
posh middle class educated guy who I love loads.
I quickly said
to Mr Bartlam Snr Give me your mobile phone please!
He looked at
me and then fished out his phone and held it to me.
I quickly scanned
his address book and saw Eds number; I pressed call and waited
as it rang out.
dad Ed said.
I spoke slowly
and clearly You are probably wondering why a woman is on your
dads mobile arent you Ed?
Godley is that you? Ed sounded surprised.
is - now listen up you wee posh fucker, I have your dad in a fast
moving car in Oxford, we are going to kill him unless you agree
to let me perform at the venue this year for free I shouted.
Ed went quiet,
Why are you with my dad? he muttered
you, it took me ages to work out his movements and now I have him,
so if you want to see him alive agree I snapped back. I took
a picture of Mr Bartlam Snr and sent it to Ed by text.
Is your husband there Janey Ed sounded terrified.
Yes, he has a gun at your dads head; you wanna speak to your dad? I asked him.
I handed the phone to the now laughing but pretending to be scared Mr Bartlam Snr
Janey is right, they have me hostage Ed so just agree He spoke.
I took the phone back and heard Ed agree to my hostage terms and handed the phone back to his father.
Mr Bartlam Snr
sat in the front seat and hung up on Ed. The young guy sitting beside
me looked shocked and scared throughout this whole conversation,
it was fucking funny.
The taxi driver
Mr Bartlam Snr
and I laughed our heads off.
We did eventually
explain to Ed the whole coincidence of us both being together in
a cab in Oxford, we did all laugh at the situation, but Ed did agree
about the venue terms
.so it was a fruitful journey, and I
love Mr Bartlam Snr, he said he was witness to the agreement and
it is legal and binding
looks like I will have a cheap venue
this year and possibly free drinks and food the whole run!
The cab hurtled
towards Oxford as my deadline to get on stage was drawing near.
I got out of
the cab and ran towards the venue, there were loads of people outside
waiting to get in, I could see the venue manager standing outside
waiting on me.
As I negotiated
pavements and cobble stones in Ancient Oxford, I tripped stumbled
and fell flat down on the pavement with palms smacking the concrete
and just lay there, all sore and shocked.
people came over and tried to help me up, the crowd stared, the
venue manager laughed and I simply looked up and muttered Just
roll me on the road and let the traffic kill me
my fat ass, my twisted ankle, my stinging bleeding palms
So it was an eventful night, I met a cranky misogynist old Scottish man, an influential hostage victim and left my skin in Oxford a good night all round.
Sunday the 9th
of July 2006
Fun in Oxford
Last night at
Jongleurs I had a great time, I do really love their audiences.
A lot of comics hate the clubs (although they work there and complain
about the corporate feel to the gigs) I love em.
club I have worked serve food, serve hen parties and cater with
music and does comedy, not all of them look after you and pay you
like Jongleurs. The company NEVER tell me what to say, what NOT
to say, they give me a stage and cash and food and let me have fun.
I have worked at other clubs who have told me when I can work and
what I can say and they called themselves independent socialist
type comedy ethical clubs! (Fucking irony of that!) Anyway my point
I do love the clubs most of the time and Oxford is exceptionally
good beyond belief!
I took along
Stephen from the magical QI club (the place I did my one woman show
Good Godley! on Thursday).
He seemed to enjoy his Jongleurs experience and we headed back to QI for drinks afterwards. Then I decided to stay out all night and party well I say party I fell asleep in a strange bed and got up this morning,
I cannot wear
my knickers two days in a row, so I took them, had a quick wash
and stuffed the panties in my handbag, and got the train back to
my friends place in the countryside (Small thatched cottage type
village where I am staying)
honestly I was the racy
one this morning, arriving with dishevelled hair and dirty pants
in my bag, smoking a fag getting out of a taxi outside the beautiful
14th Century church as the bells tolled and people in pale green
linen walked to Sunday Service.
The sun shone and roses grew round doors, horses clipped clopped with teenagers dressed to kill foxes trotted along the bridle path, the wee shop that is dedicated to jam making had people outside it staring at me in horror because I swore into my mobile and flicked a fag butt near an ancient grave stone I did pick it up I DO NOT LITTER I was trying to do three things at once, paying for a cab and smoking and talking is difficult.
I am the talk
of the place, I wasnt wearing linen and I cant bake
quiche and strangely I am the only person in a fifteen mile radius
who can get a signal on my mobile
.its sorcery! They are building
a wicker man as I speak!
I had fun and am tired. Speak soon.
11th of July 2006
Being a mum
I had baby Abigail
today, she is my wee favourite great niece and she is only three
years old. She is so cute and intelligent and full of conversation,
she has an imaginary rat called Segar! She told me how it crawls
up her arm and cuddles her and she took it to the zoo and it hates
tigers! How cool?
Then she stood
in front of my video camera and did a big take on the cult dirty
joke movie The Aristocrats you can see it on Livedigital.
Go check it out.
Then today after
she left and I took three hours to clean up the collection of crayons,
cardboard boxes and tiny toys that she leaves here, I had to hoover
the whole house and wash down sticky fingers off the kitchen units
and re stock the fridge.
tiny wee child eats like an Alsatian puppy.
free cheese crackers
Nineteen blue berries
A plate of yoghurt with honey
Thirty two pea pods
A plate of chips
A bowl of rice crispies
Then she came
over to me and said Aunty Janey, what is there for dinner?
I swear she
has a wee stomach like a Clootie Dumpling (An old Scottish
heavy fruit steamed pudding that feeds twenty people).
Finally I have
time to myself; husband and I sat on the sofa and chatted as Ashley
sat at the PC.
I have realised
that she conducts our whole relationship and controls every conversation,
even when she is not involved.
I whispered to husband and Ashley whipped her head round like an
eagle eyed prison guard and shouted What did you say to him?
him if wanted anal I quipped sarcastically.
be gross, what did she say dad? Herman Goering interrogator
Husband is crap
at lying and stumbled over his words Well she
fucking tell her you daft fucking man I shouted. I just didnt
want her to hear every single conversation we have, is nothing sacred?
Tell me dad, what did she say to you? Spanish inquisition type child asked pleadingly.
to your fucking Puzzle Pirates; dont you have a fucking doubloon
to earn or a ship to sink? I argued.
me she missed me when she was away Husband finally caved under
the stress of the questioning looks of his daughter.
dont miss him Ashley argued then turned to her dad and
doesnt even ask for you on the phone dad, she tries to take
you away then nags you when she does and then abuses you mentally
and then makes you sad
I laughed as she took over the whole room, I know she isnt being horrid, she is simply stamping her territory and she loves her daddy so much. I dont think she will ever leave here and get a man, she owns her father already!
I know that
when I am away she is his whole world and I know that she gets a
wee bit jealous when I arrive and take over.
I am away a
lot just now; I go away again this week to Portsmouth. I do miss
him and do really miss her she makes me laugh my ass off.
I thought having one toddler was hard today, my twenty year old daughter is a toddler forever with her daddy -gangster or not she rules him.
15th of July 2006
Article and bleeding feet
Today in the
Scotsman newspaper my daughter Ashley and I have a huge lovely article
written of us, I love it.
Here is some quotes form the article-
stream-of-consciousness riffs that Virginia Woolf might have written
had she only had a pawky sense of humour."
"Scotland's funniest woman"
"Godley's certainly a one-off - a cuddly-looking woman who sounds like the mordantly lippy love child of Joan Rivers and Billy Connolly"
So that was way cool!
I am currently in Portsmouth which is surprisingly beautiful, they have completely renovated the harbour and it is amazing. I am doing Jongleurs here for two nights.
I bought lovely blue summer sandals (Ashley said they were hideous) I loved them until on the walk along the sparkling sunny seafront I felt a huge blister had developed under my heel as my feet constantly rubbed against the fabric sole. By the time I got on stage I had this huge water filled pus like blob hanging off my feet that I had to lance in the break with a sharp pin and then run back on stage with strange fluid leaking out of my skin! I managed to get back to the hotel last night and soaked my sore feet. This morning I got up and wondered what to do with the devil slashed feet I now possessed.
I have always worn my great MBT trainers, they have taken me round the world those shoes, never hurting, never letting me down.
So I threw away the cheap Ted Bundy Killer shoes and slipped on my old trainers .they must have been disgusted at being discarded and developed a horrible Japanese torture personality because within half and hour they had rubbed a huge blister on my heel!
What the fuck is going on? I hobbled into a shoe shop and bought a pair of flip flops that barely touch any part of my feet .and yes they have managed to cut into my instep where the fabric holds the sole on! I am hobbled!
I am hoping it all heals soon as I am off to Barcelona in two weeks time to do comedy there for the weekend.
If you want to read the whole article in the Scotsman you can see it on the Newscuttings page of my website
Monday the 17th
of July 2006
and Stomach pains
lovely, though was awoken at 5am with a phone call because my mental
manager accidentally pressed his phone inside his pocket and it
called me. I jumped from the hotel bed, banged my already sore feet
into the bottom of the chair in the dark and listened to the inside
of his pocket for about 5 minutes before I hung up
I stumbled back
to bed, rubbed the sore toe, dabbed the now bleeding heel and headed
for my pillow.
So this morning I got ready and headed on a flight back to Glasgow. Husband was waiting at the airport for me; the house was immaculately clean which made me wonder if he had hired staff in over the weekend.
I sat today
and wrote the new bits into my play, tomorrow I rehearse again.
I am also excited that my book is going to paperback- apparently TESCOs have bought shed-loads (approximately 15,000) copies to sell and more booksellers are ordering as we speak . maybe I may not have to sell Ashley on EBay after all. Who knows, maybe a sarcastic, tall angry sexy girl can fetch a few grand? But I would miss her so she gets to stay. Though I have prepared an advert for her see how this sounds
Scottish tall, interesting, educated, dark haired, sexy girl aged 20. Fresh and ripe and ready for all sorts of fun. Cannot cook (unless for herself then its gourmet food only), Cannot- sew, nurture babies, cannot-clean, cannot-organise paperwork, cannot-take phone calls, cannot-post letters when required, can never take paper to recycle bin, refuses to wash her own clothes, cant drive, is rude to old people who take too long on staircases, gets angry at tourists, hates people with one eye for no good reason, despite liking pirates, cannot EVER recharge an IPOD, has a desperate aversion to folding or hanging clothes, is allergic to cheap shampoo and conditioner, is unconditionally unbelievably and inexplicably scared of rolled up socks, vomits when she sees hamsters, loves prison and football films, laughs at people who fall off bikes, once shouted down a major politician at aged 14 in Westminster on a school trip, punched a drunk who kicked a homeless man, tries to kill pigeons on a daily basis, is funny at all times EXCEPT in the mornings when she actually physically turns into Rosemarys Baby and will stab you if you talk to her before midday and is really good at losing her passport.
Mmmmmmm tempting eh? I dont think I will have many takers to be honest so the book better sell!
My feet are fucking sore, every pair of summer sandals I have bought have cut my feet like Fu Man Chu on acid, but I discovered you can buy topless sandals from USA, they are just basic sticky soles that you stick to your feet and then wash and they get sticky again, no straps to cut into your flesh no rubbing blisters as you walk you can actually buy these, but I cant find a distributor in UK I want them sandals now! Send them to me!
Am having stomach
pains today and feel sore and bloated, I hope that goes away soon,
cant bear the shits.
I am having a week at home to get the shows ready for Edinburgh, and then am off to Barcelona.
18th of July 2006
Sunshine in Scotland
It was so hot
today, seriously hot. I was sweating in the searing heat, Shaun-
my wee nephew aged 9 came over and we went out for a walk. His mum
is seven months pregnant and his baby sister (the famous Abi) is
in Spain with her grand parents and wee Shaun needed some attention.
He is really
interesting and full of questions, he actually stood in a book shop
we had visited and after her had sought out my autobiography; he
held it up high and said Janey Godley is my auntie and she
wrote this book! The he pointed straight at me in the
people pointed and I just squirmed and took him aside and explained
that it wasnt very humble to do that and he told me with his
big brown eyes staring at me I am proud of you auntie Janey
and wanted everyone to know that how cool is he?
We then walked
round Glasgow and I pointed out some of the buildings and showed
him specific pieces of architecture that interested me, for example
Caledonia road church - Alexander 'Greek' Thomson
Glasgow herald - Charles Rennie mackintosh
Glasgow school of art - Charles Rennie Mackintosh
Hill house - Charles Rennie Mackintosh
Hunterian museum - Charles Rennie Mackintosh
St Andrews church - Dreghorn + Naismith
St Vincent street church - Alexander 'Greek' Thomson
Willow tea rooms - Charles Rennie Mackintosh
He was really interested and genuinely into the whole project. Then I explained sympathetic architecture and Shaun played a game where he pointed out buildings that didnt blend into their surroundings and were horribly ugly and box like he came to the conclusion that in Glasgow during 1940-50s some people became fixated with concrete squares and people had no imagination.
We then headed
to the park and he became really overheated, so I bought a huge
bottle of water and simply poured it over his burning head. Then
re-applied sun screen and we walked to the mini fun fair. I recognised
the man operating the giant inflatable slide; he is an extended
member of my husbands family. They are travellers who live
in trailers and own most of the fairground rides in
We greeted each
other and chatted about family as Shaun quickly understood that
if this guy was my family then he was also Shauns
family and Shaun got as many free rides as he wanted!
Janey, you are famous and you even know fairground people, you are
really cool! his wee red face all smiles.
The sun reached
its zenith and we both decided to head for home as the pavements
were scorching and we could feel the heat through our flat sandals
and we were both sweating badly.
We sat in the house in front of the fan and later in the afternoon husband took Shaun and I to Balamaha beach, which is literally 25 minutes from the city. The sun was fading but the heat stayed, the wee boy stripped to his shorts and dived into the Loch, the cool water lapped over him as he lay on the stony shingle.
I kept a watchful eye on him; he found a wee fishing net and spent
an hour trying to catch the tiny wee insect like fish that darted
about his ankles. Husband and I sat on the beach chairs watching
him as the sun set over the giant hills that surrounded Loch Lomond,
the place was almost deserted and yet he still laughed loudly on
his own and he splashed happily.
So he is now
safely back in his own home and we are sitting here still hot and
sticky, and the forecast tomorrow is set for scorching.
I am hoping the electronics shop sells fans as I am going to die in this heat.
18th of July 2006
What a crazy day!
Yes, it is still
very hot, I mean seriously hot, the kind of hot that kills Scottish
people as we are not good at avoiding the sun. We dont really
understand that big ball of fire in the sky. It burns us and we
So I got up
in a bad mood. I can hear you ask why Janey? well I
will tell you why.
Last night I
was suffering from a sore neck/head I am not sure what is going
on and have a doctors appointment on Friday. I am tired, hot
and sticky. I told husband that I was off to bed at 1am and NOT
TO BE DISTURBED
So I lay there
in the cool dark and fell asleep. I was awoken at 2am with a loud
metal clanging noise that echoed throughout the car park that is
situated at the back of my flat. My back bedroom window overlooks
the car park.
I sat up sleepily and kneeled on my pillow and hung out of window to see what the fuck the noise was.
There was a
car at the big twenty foot long metal arm that constituted as the
barrier to the car park. A woman dressed in long black robes, those
religious ones that even cover their face with a black thick net
was furiously kicking the metal arm, her long black dress was pulled
up and I could clearly see her leg (is that not immoral?) anyway
she clanged the metal pole off the metal post AGAIN
She then finally
stopped kicking the metal pole, got back in her car and drove into
the car park. I hung out of the window as she noisily got out of
her car beneath my window, her husband was dressed in typical western
dress (track suit) I looked at them and shouted down Excuse
me what is the deal with banging the gate loudly? Its the
middle of the night?
looked up quickly, the woman didnt even raise her head, she
shuffled on and he seemed surprised that he was being addressed
and shouted up to me My wife doesnt speak to strangers,
please dont talk to her
not fucking talk to strangers but I just watched her boot that gate
arm till it banged three times and woke me up, oh and by the way
I saw her leg
me, maybe she was bored rigid having to wear that outfit in that
heat and her kicking the gate was her only way getting out any frustrations.
Each to their own.
So I tried to
sleep. I was edgy and grumpy and called the lady in black a few
un- christian names like fucking bitch and noisy bastard.
I finally drifted
off to sleep.
in and despite reminding him for the last twenty five years not
to wake me up for sex
.he decided to top the kicky
crazy lady from Oman and wake me up. You see I suffer terrible nightmares
and sleep problems, I have never had a cure for it and sometimes
wake up screaming, and therefore touching me when I am asleep is
he knows this.
I was slowly
pulled from sleep as he was stroking my back, to him that was sexy,
to me in my deepest sleep that was a rapist dragging a sharp knife
down my spine. He put one hand on my hip and hugged me, in my dreamy
state that was a spike being driven into my flesh.
He kissed me
and in my head I was being suffocated, I woke up with a scream and
pushed him away.
fell back asleep and this morning I woke up, recalled the whole
event and burst into tears for no real reason other than exhaustion.
I am tired and stressed just now and he is not helping me.
I looked at
him lying there and ripped the covers off his head and shouted at
him Why dont you just fucking rape me when you
come into bed and get it over with He jumped awake and sat
up I am sorry
Fucking sorry? How many times do we need to go over this?
I screamed and started crying again.
So today didnt
have a good start.
I can assure
you the day got worse.
I went to the
chemist to pick up some medication for husband (Strychnine??
it was skin cream
) as I stood in the chemist a young girl
was getting her methadone dosage.
a heroin substitute and Glasgow has a huge heroin problem.
I watched as
she downed her dose in front of the pharmacist, she then turned
and dropped the empty bottle and fell to the floor in the biggest
ever fake fall you ever did see.
I merely moved
away, but she still managed to land on my sore foot.
She then jumped
up to her feet and shouted I fainted and dropped my bottle
and spilled it
can sometimes use any method of subterfuge and play acting to gain
an other dose of medication, as their habit may be bigger than their
I watched her
stand there and the pharmacist looked at her and then stared at
the clean and dry tiled floor, no evidence of any spilt medication
to be seen.
The poor addict
spotted this and then quickly and desperately turned to me and shouted
She stole my methadone when I fell
I laughed aloud
and looked at the staff that were all standing bewildered and unsure
as to where this big improv show was going. Boy. this is good rehearsal
for Ashley and I sketch show!
of the whole Norma Desmond act, they know you drank it, they have
a CCTV camera on you and do I fucking look like I drink methadone?
fuck is Norma Desmond? she shouted back. Wow this is a good
sketch I thought to myself.
a shop lifter for Shettleston, who lived in a shoe, what the fuck
does that matter; just leave me out of your charade I laughed.
She ran out
of the shop screaming abuse at me, poor cow, she must be desperate.
So that was my day, I have still to get my posters and flyers made and cant actually get it done due to problems with my designer/printer. I need to get on the case and tonight if husband attempts to wake me up, I am going to stab him and use this blog as evidence of provocation.
20th of July 2006
Stress and madness
was no way I could write my blog, I was way too stressed.
This is what
happened. I had designed my posters for Edinburgh Fringe and I went
round to the printers to check everything was cool to go ahead for
print job to begin. The young Aussie guy who works there called
Travis, sat me down with a really concerned face (this made me feel
sick, there are only twelve days to go before Fringe starts) He
told me the poster images are too small to be enlarged enough to
be made into posters. The main images were fine as small adverts
and flyers but there was no way they would stretch, I hadnt
been told this weeks ago, when frankly I would had enough time to
re-create pictures and images to a bigger DPI. I was so upset I
walked out and cried in the street, called my husband and ran home.
After a few frantic phone calls I managed to go back to the printers
and sit there until 9pm with Travis as he re-scanned, re-photographed
and re-set the images and all the text to higher resolution, enough
for me to get up to A3 at least. My blog poster is being redesigned
in London by Steve Ullathorne, he originally took my photos and
he is a great designer. So after a big drama, all is sorted.
I then sat down
to dinner, Ashley and I were munching into a huge salad when Ashley
screamed and threw down her fork and ran from the table, there was
a big green wriggly grub dancing through her lettuce. So that was
dinner trashed no more salad for me.
If that was
not enough fucking drama, I began to realise that I havent
had a period in ages, had I had one since New Zealand? Am I pregnant?
If I am pregnant did it happen in New Zealand? Husband suggested!
I never had
sex in New Zealand and husband wasnt with me
does that mean? So do I have to consider abortion before the Edinburgh
Fringe? Can I schedule an abortion that quick? Do I want an abortion?
What is going on?
I worried and
cried and spent the whole day feeling nauseous, am I going to be
sick all the time? Can I afford another baby?
After all that
fucking stress, I slept today with a nasty headache, and woke up
with my period! Hurrah!
So there we
have it, I need to go rehearse my play. I am getting stress about
that now and my tummy hurts.
By the way am so proud that the comedy video my daughter Ashley made on Bush and Blair on Livedigital has gone to the top TEN making it one of the most watched videos amongst thousands on that site .she is so funny, I love her.
22nd of July 2006
So I went to
the docs today and got that nasty headache pain checked. I saw a
new doc and she was pretty young. I entered the room and on sitting
she asked me what my problem was. Now to put you in the picture,
my usual doc is cool and we have a laugh, he knows I am a comic
and always chats away.
The new doc nodded her head looking down at her writing pad and
made this noise over me talking, so I stopped and started again.
No one speaks over me.
I managed to get out and again Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm
she nodded her head, ignoring me and she just kept making this fucking
really annoying patronising noise. I snapped.
need to stop making that noise and nodding your head, its
really irritating me, when you were at med school and they were
handing out sympathetic noises, did you really choose that noise
you make? I added.
nodding and writing and looked at me I am sorry, was that
bothering you? She asked me.
I was wondering how much time in jail I would get if I stabbed you
in the head with a needle I said.
She never got
my sense of humour, looked terribly frightened and I had to explain
that I always talk like that as I am a bit Whacky.
so do you want to stop wasting both our time and tell me what is
wrong She angrily snapped at me.
keep getting these headaches and they really cripple me and I swear
to God if you fucking nod your head and hum I will actually pretend
that I have a mental illness and choke you with your stethoscope
So it turns
out I have migraines and I got medication for it and I spent the
rest of the day wondering if she makes that noise when she is having
sex or chatting to her baby.
I want my old doc back he is funny and makes me laugh and understands me, I usually walk in and my old docs says Ok Janey, tell me today what scary lump you have discovered in your body or are you pregnant again, or remember that time you thought you had bum cancer and you ran over here bleeding out of what you thought was your ass and it turned out you were having a period? How can a woman who has had a child not know where she was bleeding from, you know I tell that story at parties?
I love him; he pays attention to me, even if he does tell anal anecdotes about me.
22nd of July 2006
I have to go to the bingo tonight with Ashley for an article in the press; we have to do two social events where one of us likes the event and the other dislikes and then the reverse. So tomorrow we go to karaoke as Ashley loves that and I hate it .now I dont really like bingo BUT I do fancy going with Ashley, so it will be fun.
Except we will have a photographer there with us, at both situations and that will be weird. Then we sit down and get interviewed about the whole thing.
I sat down today
and rehearsed my play, I was scared to do it in case it overwhelmed
me, but to be honest I must actually do it as I really need to know
the script before a paying audience see it, I have performed this
play many times but you do panic. Ashley and I have a sketch show
also that needs tightened up, I am doing three shows (plus press
events, plus late night gigs) all the way through the festival in
Edinburgh from 3rd-27th August and time is drawing near.
Anyway the play
is fine, somewhere in my mixed up fucked up memory that play is
I imagine my
head looks like the inside of a badly managed antique store, broken
chairs, stuffed otters, vintage clothes, old vinyl records, pictures
of Donny Osmond, photographs of children I dont know, a three
wheeled bike, some bits of comedy sets, shattered thoughts of badly
organised day trips, flashbacks of painful drug funerals, murdered
mother memories, and horrible nightmares that are tucked up
leaking out of a scabby shoebox and forty six old pennies sitting
on top of a broken television.
even begin to think that my whole play is sitting there neatly wrapped
up waiting to be spoken out loud, I am worried sick that when I
go to talk on stage that an old broken record will fall out and
the leaky nightmare box explodes out of my head and straight into
So I actually feel good, I am confident that we will both have a great festival and a great time enjoying the multitude of dramas that will no doubt unfold.
Last year, I managed to eat sushi and get anaphylactic shock two hours before my show opened and ended up in hospital getting injections to calm my swollen tongue, yet managed to do the show full of adrenaline.
The year before that the police came to my show where I talked about something illegal that I had done and I was shit scared I would get arrested.
The year before that a man tried to throw himself from a high window in a busy street in Edinburgh when he was going through his annual suicide mission and I managed to talk him down and he almost threw himself on top of me.
Things happen to me.
25th of July 2006
I had a really
vivid dream about my cousin Sammy who had died in 2000 of heroin
addiction. I was chatting to him in the dream and my emotions were
shattered, to actually see him again and hear his voice shook me
to the core. I woke up and wandered into the living room to tell
husband about it. He was absorbed in a computer issue and told me
to just stop dreaming then this really freaked me and
we ended arguing about a dead mans conversation! I sat there fuming
at his dismissive attitude, I saw an eraser on the floor and threw
it really hard at husbands head and it bounced off his head and
hit the ceiling! After about twenty minutes we finally stopped fighting
and made up.
Then I got a
call from London and found out an old friend who was in her 60s
had died. This made me incredibly sad; she was a nice lady and has
left many friends behind to grieve.
Later that day
one of my siblings called and told me that they were having a huge
emotional breakdown, now its not very often I even begin to exercise
any form of holding back the details, but I have to
as they ask me not to say, so thats as far as that can go.
I came home and felt like my world was going mental, I have realised that me whingeing about doing shows at Edinburgh is fuck all to what some people are going through tonight. So here I sit with a healthy husband, wickedly healthy daughter and happy family. I am all good and hope that you are as well.
Friday the 28th
of July 2006
I thought I
couldnt possibly get any hotter in UK, but yes, Barcelona
is fucking furnace like. I am staying in a really old apartment
and the architecture is just awesome. The old entry to the apartments
looks like my old tenement in Glasgows East End. It had marble
flooring, wooden staircase banister and ceramic tiles adorning the
walls. The old doors are so carved and ornate, with small gilt panels-
it really does hark back to some old time era. I like to imagine
that some other wee Glaswegian found this place and sat on these
stairs back in the days when many Scottish people came to Barcelona
to fight fascism. I still find it incredible to imagine that ordinary
Scottish men AND women left their homes (many from the Calton, where
I lived in Glasgow) and despite the hardships they faced in Glasgow,
they made their way to Catalonia to fight against a regime!
I cannot even
begin to imagine the scenario where some Glasgow wife was hanging
out a washing and trying to feed her kids then at some point decided
to get a boat to a foreign country, to a language she doesnt
speak, to a terrain she doesnt know to fight people she has
never met. Un-fucking-believable
but they did do it.
has a place in my heart because of this.
The gigs are
cool, strange but cool and I have decided that due to the heat,
all primping and beauty regimes are out the window, it is of no
use applying make up (it slide off your face) it is no use fussing
with my hair (it is soaked in ten minutes of going out) so I am
a sweaty blob and dont care who knows it.
I am missing husband and Ashley like you cannot believe, but awaking in this room this morning with my wooden shutters open wide, and staring at the ochre aged wallpaper with fake bamboo pattern is wonderful. My tiny balcony is facing the sun, my original ceiling cornice with yellow lamp gives me a strange Victorian feeling, and I like it. I am off to the beach today and will try and film some stuff for a live blog, talk soon.
29th of July 2006
I am absolutely
stunned at the architecture here, Gaudi made his mark, like some
drug crazed amphetamine stumped toddler with a box of crayons and
bundle of bricks and some ceramics, he went mental and I LOVE IT.
The colours and textures are breath taking and the street lamps are just awesome. I know I am a bore but I am in heaven here.
The back of
my brain is telling me that I need to be getting ready for the biggest
festival in Edinburgh of my entire LIFE
but I cannot drag myself
away from these buildings and this culture to even focus on anything
and somewhere that is doing me the power of spiritual good. To be
here in Catalonia and breathing in this place is like life blood
to me, I dreamed of this place when I was a child and here I am!
I sat on the
beach yesterday in my bra and shorts, as I dont posses a bikini,
and I swam in the ferocious waves as they crashed into the sand,
minute pieces of shredded sand glimmered all over my body, it looks
like I had rubbed myself with a glitter ball! The sand is silver!
I played football
with very young fit Catalonian guys, who cheered every time I kept
the ball up with my feet and performed forgotten football tricks
from my younger days (I was a very good footballer for a girl- that
was before I grew these tits!)
The gig went fabulous at the Dubliner pub, a small but friendly Irish bar, and then a wee ancient man who had sat in the front row and never laughed once at me got up and played the guitar and sang almost every song I carry in my IPOD from Leonard Cohen to Eagles, he knew the lot. I left there at 4am and went to the beach front with one of the regulars called Sam.
We sat in a
café drinking bitter coffee chatting and watched the sun
rise. As the sun came over the darkened beach, illuminating it slowly
- like a torch whose battery was waning and revealed couples fighting,
fucking and singing on the sandit was like a dark mystical
cloak had slowly been slithered across the landscape towards the
sky- a perverted magic trick just for us! How cool?
I then started slowly walking back to the apartment and saw every Gaudi piece of art and architecture light up in the dawn, not many people around, just me staring at buildings in a magical light show. I saw the occasional street cleaner stopping for a cigarette watching me -watching stuff.
I fell asleep at 10am and was awakened by the loudest bangs that I have ever heard and I have heard building fall and gunshots- this fucking noise was horrific! Turns out it was a wedding letting off fire works. Holy Cow, what a start to married life- having your eardrums bust- well I suppose thats stops them from hearing each other and that marriage may work well!
Sunday the 30th
of July 2006
Eaten and beaten
My knees, lower
legs and ankles are covered in hard ringed blotches that itch like
fuck, because mosquitos love my blood. During the night as
I lay sheet-less on the square hard bed, 27 wee bitey mozzies
decided to come in the dusk and chew on my flesh. I must have been
a veritable feast for them; so much so, they picked up their mozzie
mobile phones and called their mates to come over to the Scottish
barbeque. I can just imagine their arrival at the window above my
head, the maitred of mozzie world showed them to their table
(my fat plump thighs and stocky ankles) and pointed out the juiciest
flesh for their delight, then the wee nasty hungry creatures sat
down to chomp. Pulling out their sharp blood sucking equipment and
portable anaesthetic fluid, they set about their night long sucking.
My fan hummed in the background giving them a tune to dance to as
they made sure I woke up with hard lumpy boils with blood dripping
from them, the chemicals they injected me with was leaking slowly
out mixed with blood, creating an almost fastidious itch that makes
me look like I have some psychological impulse to scratch my ankles
Other than that
I am fine.
I was also bitten
whilst staring at the Gaudi Famillia church. The spiky cartoon like
spires, mixed with traditional gothic features is a spectacular
sight. I am sure Gaudi and the mozzies have a relationship.
One is so immersed in the view that you forget you are being eaten
slowly as you gasp at the mere sight of what can only be a Storm
Trooper from Star Wars cut in stone standing beside an emaciated
Jesus hanging from a cross on the fantastic montage at the front.
Maybe Gaudi really did do acid or maybe he laughs quietly in his
grave as he recognises that he created the worlds biggest
diversion for mosquitoes.
So this is my
last day here, I went out a walk, but the humidity is unbearable.
On entering the street, my body quickly became a damp sponge, I
could feel my bra soak up the sweat that ran down my cleavage, my
back licked my white shirt and made sure it stuck there for the
rest of the day and my knickers stuck to my ass and refused to give
way when I walked, making them ride up constantly and rub parts
of me that should only be rubbed intimately and not in public. Nice
and weird at the same time!
I am still trying to find someone to hold my video camera so I can do my live blog but the Catalonians are fabulously rude! They are grumpy and tetchy (must be all that sweat and public chaffing of underwear). I like it, they are a bit like Glaswegians, angry, short tempered but they are far better looking.
So here I am
back in my room, I cannot bear the heat and have been spent the
whole day being mystified by strange sexual random thoughts, then
realised that my underwear mixed with humidity has been slowly seducing
me in a weird abstract fashion. I need to change.
Now I know why Gaudi designed those buildings!