Janey's Blogs - May 2006
1st of May 2006
I had such fun
last night at Blackfriars comedy club. The whole place has been
completely changed and renovated. The sad thing is, the owners have
installed a huge fuck off Air Conditioning/ Smoke extractor system
that racks its way across the ceiling, huge big silver cylindrical
tubes snaking its way all around the room and all it manages to
do is carry the music from upstairs to the downstairs comedy
room, and Scotland has a no smoking ban! All that cash and hard
work for nothing!
I had a great gig though, a lovely wee intimate gig, just about 50 people sitting round me, I sat on a tall stool at the microphone and had such a relaxed yet - funny time. I have never enjoyed a gig so much in ages.
Today, I uploaded some more of the footage that Ashley filmed down in the Glasgow Green; I made it into a small video that I will put on my Livedigital webpage this week.
I have spent all day trying not to argue with husband, he is making me mental by repeating the same thing over and over to me when he explains stuff he needs me to do before I go away next week.
Maybe I am just
being nasty again; I am so stressed at times and chilled out at
Its my big sister Anns birthday this week, she will 50 years of age!
believe she is middle aged (like I am not?) I love my sister; she
has been a rock in my life since we were wee kids. She has four
kids and four grandchildren
.soon to be five as my niece is
expecting a baby this year.
I still think
of my big sister as the lassie in the blue dress, thick Alice band
holding down a head of chunky dark hair, atop a very determined
face that always got her way. My sister was not the kind of girl
who let other walk over her; if I was getting bullied
So after a whole week of self reflection and spending too much time in my own head I have came to the conclusion that I need to just get on with life and stop analysing every fucking emotion my body goes through!
I want to thank everyone who has sent me lovely comments supporting me through the past few weeks, when I was under stress and pouring some of that out on my blog here.
I have been
meeting deadlines for the Edinburgh Fringe and it was getting so
difficult to work away and get everything done.
Maria at Printlink
has been a hero, spending time with me, poring over the tiny details
of my posters and making sure they were perfect for me.
So one week
till we go to London and then onto Los Angeles and then onto New
I will be taking you all with me, also I will be doing live blogs from Auckland and Wellington.
2nd of May 2006
is no escaping the panic
Why is it that
no matter how many lists I make, or how many post-its I accumulate,
I am still convinced I will forget something as we leave Glasgow
on Saturday for London. We fly out to NZ on the Monday.
Ashley is very
laid back about the whole thing; then again her version of packing
for a trip involves throwing EVERYTHING she owns into a big fuck-off
case and leaving me to worry about the details.
Its not until
we are on a plane does she quietly ask me Did you pack my
hair straighteners and my allergy medication?
thats your stuff to pack! I answer.
So this time
I urged her to make a list of her important things to do.
I saw this list
and do you know what it says?
1- Pack knickers and new bra
2- Ipod charger
3- New shoes and plasters for heels
So where are all the really important things, like medication, bank cards, tripod and camera?
I assume she
has all this in her head, it makes me mental. I am mentally packing
and unpacking in my fucking sleep.
I have a few
big events to pack for, like the BAFTA TV awards, then the TV2 Gala
in NZ and the Divas Comedy gala. I need to pack some fancy frocks.
Husband is quietly padding about the flat staring at me today; he actually stared and stared until I asked him what was going on.
I am just
making sure that I wont forget how you look He answered.
you ever forget in the four weeks I am away, there are videos of
me on my website then you can remember I told him.
want to remember you through videos. I want to recall how you look
sitting there in my head
To get him off
this morose subject matter, I said Do you love me?
know I do he said.
I our love was a country which country would it be then? I
laughed, as he hated anything that asked his Aspergers brain to
He never even paused for breath
it would be Italy, as I dont know where I am most of the time,
I dont understand the language, I am not familiar with the
currency, Italys leader had to be thrown out as he couldnt
accept he was outvoted and there is a constant power struggle there,
Italians are curvy and dark and well dressed, they talk loudly and
are full of passion, but underneath they are just as soft as fresh
pasta! So our love would be Italy
I looked at him and laughed but with affection as he never could have rehearsed that, I pull these questions out of nowhere and I have never asked him that before.
I said, and I meant it. That was a good answer, my husband is the
quiet man, the man who stands back and watches the two women in
his life perform and talk loud.
I am worried he will miss Ashley and let it get him down. He is used to not seeing me but those two are very rarely parted.
She is being
very offhand and brave saying stuff like I wont really miss
papa, I will be fine
Trust me this
girl will get to week two and cry on the phone to her beloved daddy.
He will probably get on a plane and wing it to NZ , it doesnt
matter how old she is, he is still the number one person in her
life, and no one can replace that. Not even me.
So with that in mind maybe she should stuff her daddy into her case, to be honest he would probably fit into the case she has dragged into the hall, it looks like the kind of luggage used for carting bodies around and with her fathers history with gangland connections ..Who knows maybe I should check her case before we leave!
4th of May 2006
Ashley woke up, and told me she was filming today for her University
project. Then she got upset as the guy who was playing a transvestite
in her video called off. She was making a MOCK-documentary about
how people do stuff to get into TV. She was filming this guy who
was supposed to be getting a sex change to take part in a reality
up she shouted.
it? her father pulled his head out of the covers.
get up and dress as a woman and walk along the street for me, please?
She pleaded The actor was going to do it but has pulled out,
please dad I will dress you up, and you will suit a dress, can you
be a tranny for the day?
My husband stared
at her with a very frightened face If you cant get anyone
else I may try
What a father
he is, the big East End man with gangland connections is willing
to be a transsexual in public for his daughter. How cool?
did get Scott Agnew, a lovely stand up comic from Glasgow to do
the job and what a job he did, it was awesome. I had a bit part
also and the finished product is so funny yet touching!
I have just
had a call from my mate Craig in BA, he is helping me get all my
travel arrangements sorted and has been so helpful I offered to
marry him; he said no- but thats cool. I did offer!
After the horrid
way I was treated by a member of staff at Glasgow British Airways
back in March (she was so nasty and rude to me I complained and
got apologies from BA but vowed never to use them again!)he
is the sole reason I will fly with them again. He is a credit to
his company and I cant wait to see him when he comes to The
Soho Theatre shows in late June. I LOVE YA man
I went to see
my sister today as it was her birthday; she was looking lovely and
am so glad she had a good lunch at Rogano in Glasgow, she deserves
Was walking through town today and the sun was so bright, it brought all the people out of their offices with a smile to smoke on the city streets as we have a smoking ban in all public places in Scotland.
I was trying to buy a dress today for events coming up but as usual my humongous tits fit into nothing, my body is down 18 pounds but my boobs defy all natures requests to shrink so I have to buy a huge top and a small skirt how fucked is that?
I may get a boob reduction if this continues; my latest live blog 5 on Livedigital provoked many comments from people mostly in USA saying how big my boobs were! I am Dolly Parton of Glasgow, I am off to buy minimiser bra, the kind of bra that squashes your tits flat and practically stuffs them under your armpits! Not sexy but looks better!
Am almost all organised for NZ, and I will be blogging from there and doing live blogs into video and putting them up on Livedigital, you will see link to them through my website also.
5th of May 2006
Shopping with a Daughter
You have no
idea how fucking stressful it is going from shop to shop in the
sticky heat of Glasgow looking for the perfect dress.
I would rather
lie in a bath of vinegar, cut small incisions all over my thighs
and stick a knitting needle into my eye than do that again.
a new dress for the BAFTA awards and I was hoping maybe to get a
new dress also
that went out of the window.
I had to watch
her try on at least fifteen different dresss in twelve different
shops. Every shop we went into looked like we may have seen The
One but alas, it wasnt the one in fact it was the one
we neared the last few shops in Glasgows Buchanan Street,
we finally found the dress; it was like searching for the Da Vinci
Code, it was like finally finding the Holy Grail
it was black,
it fitted and it look amazing.
She will wow
the Red Carpet
Deed done, I
on the other hand got nothing, so I am going to go in my pyjamas
or maybe naked with a few random drawings all over my fat ass of
Casper the Ghost
I dont know yet!
So we are almost
organised, Ashley has uploaded her Mock Documentary on Livedigital,
its called Make Me a Lady, go check it out. The accents are very
strong but it was meant for a Scottish audience. I loved it, she
makes me laugh and I have a small bit part in the video.
I need to go, so many thing to do .
10th of May 2006
to the Bafta Awards to LA & NZ
So very sorry I have been missing in action BUT I could not get online. We got to London after a big dash and landing at Heathrow I managed to call the taxi people who always look after me, well in theory that should be straight forward
the guy arrived late, he was the blackest man I have ever
seen and was wearing clothes that were way too big for him. Like
he had just killed the real driver and stolen his identity, Strange
you may think that I assume this but get this
.as he helped
us out of the airport he then discovered he had lost his car. Ashley
and I were exhausted and desperate to get to the apartments that
Crown Lawn had sorted.
So we waited
patiently but he then dragged us and the huge fuck off luggage all
over Heathrows car park (which is the size of Glasgow). He
was running up and down the aisles of cars frantically and then
I lost it completely Did you actually park this car?
I shouted as I saw Ashley sweating dragging a big case behind her
in the rain.
am new he answered in his broken English. I do feel for people
who come to UK and learn the language and try to earn a living but
fucksake mate, find the car or I will stab you with my pen.
I called the
taxi company to assure me he was my driver and they were horrified
to find out he was lost in Heathrow.
Eventually he found the bloody car and then got lost trying to find the way out, and then he hadnt paid his ticket and got lost trying to find that. I had turned into scary mental Scottish crazed killer. I screamed at him to get it right and get us to our destination.
He then told
me he had a Scottish friend who doesnt shout
I asked him where he was from and he replied East Africa
and I said I have a friend from east Africa and guess what
doesnt lose cars Ashley laughed he frowned and drove
like a nutter almost hitting cars in other lanes as he negotiated
his way out of Heathrow.
Finally we got
to Marsham Street in one piece, Ashley and I settled down and stopped
trying to use mental voodoo to kill the man. He never got a tip,
let me tell you.
We had a quiet
night in and on Sunday (the day of the famous BAFTA TV awards) we
got up and went shopping for bits and bobs that wee needed. Ashley
got dressed in her beautiful outfit and looked stunning, I threw
on my clothes and looked OK for an old woman.
We were so excited
getting to the red carpet in our cab (not from that company) and
we could hear the fans and press screaming at the celebs as the
sashayed up the carpet. My heart was pounding as we passed the famous
people from television and film. All those faces we see so regularly
walking beside us smiling and grimacing as I stepped on their long
flowing frocks! (every time I do this) Ashley looked like a pro,
some paparazzi took her photo as they assumed she was famous; she
turned and smiled and walked on in front. Meanwhile I just got in
peoples way as I managed to block at least forty photographers just
by walking, they were screaming at me Move you in the black
skirt, move! I laughed and just hurried on stepping onto Gillian
Andersons dress in my haste!
When we entered
the Grosvenor House Hotel, Ashley walked behind Sir Alan Sugar and
we went into the champagne reception then I suddenly realised that
this was the Important celebrity party entrance and
not the Regular Bafta member party entrance I took a
deep breath and carried on as if I deserved to be there, Ashley
looked like she did belong, I looked like a waitress on a night
We spotted a
free seat over beside a lovely looking middle aged couple.
sit here please? I asked the man.
nice to the younger people coming out tonight he smiled as
he nodded at Ashley, I smiled and took the compliment and replied
Why thanks, most people think I am old He laughed and
He told me he
worked in television and asked me what I did. I explained I was
a Scottish stand up comic who has written a play and a book and
that Ashley and I are performing a Sketch show at the fringe as
well as me doing the play and my one woman show.
His wife was
beautiful and she complimented on how Ashley was stunning and I
should be proud and we talked about her child, like any other women
do on any other given night out!
Then a woman
came over and interrupted the man and tried to pitch a sketch show
to him. I noted this and wondered who he might be but we were to
busy chatting about old Scottish comics Lex Mclean and Chic Murray,
the man (his name was Michael and his wife Francesca) told me at
least ten anecdotes about these wonderful old Scottish comics and
I laughed my ass off as they were fascinating, he really knew his
stuff. We talked about comedy and he asked me loads of questions
about my career and then I told him I am famous for my social faux
pas and was he really important and was I supposed to be trying
to kiss his ass and get on telly.
He laughed out
loud at this and said I used to commission stuff but not now
whispered to me Mum he is Sir Michael Grade, the head of BBC
I turned to
him and said I am sorry I did not recognise you
He waved his
hand and answered You met me, not some person you were trying
desperately to impress and I love talking about musical hall and
comedy, so stop worrying
I noticed that
many famous faces were trying to get his attention, but he was too
busy telling me yet another funny story about Chic Murray on the
Parkinson show, the man was absolute delight and was very charming
and fucking great company. To hell he was important, he was good
fun and we laughed away until we had to go to dinner. He then accepted
my business card and told me he would look me up sometime. It really
was just a woman meeting a bloke at a party, and how cool was it
that this guy was so down to earth
.oh and by the bay he is
the chairman of BAFTA as well!
What can I tell
you about the party? Well there was an annoying man who chatted
all the way through the night at our table, it was so rude, so Ashley
and I shut him up and he left and then the highlight of the night
was the famously talented Ken Loachs acceptance speech for
his BAFTA Fellowship. It was awe inspiring, he berated the UK press
and news association (who were sitting there in front of him) about
there continuous use of the words War on Terror when
in fact it was an illegal war, all this in front of his peers and
the live audience and television production ( I wonder if the edited
Ken Loach is
UKs most famous and talented director who brought many innovative
social issue type documentaries and films to British Screens.
He often used
non actors and made films about racism, social problems like drugs
addicts and single parent problems, his most famous back in the
1960s was Cathy Come home and Kes.
He made a docu/film
about the miners strikes in the 1980s that is STILL
banned in this country!
worked with him when she was five and she stood and applauded him
loudly after his speech. She then plucked up the courage to go speak
He was walking
up the main staircase and I watched proudly as my very nervous child
tapped his arm, got his attention and said Mr Loach, I am
Ashley Storrie and I worked with you when I was five and I am so
very privileged that you gave me that chance to work with someone
who is so talented and honest, I loved your speech and agree with
every word you said. I am now working and studying in documentary
and film making and you will always be such a huge inspiration to
young people like me who aspire to enter this industry, I just want
to thank you for that
He looked at
her and said My goodness you have grown I am sorry I dont
recognise you now, thank you for those lovely words, I appreciate
She walked away
and told me her knees were shaking so much but she is so glad she
said it to him.
the Scottish actor was with him when Ashley spoke to him and when
I chatted with Robbie later he told me the Ken Loach said that Ashleys
words had made his night, he was so touched that there were young
people who understood the need to tell the truth and loved his work,
he added that I dont want to impress people who dont
care, but to make young people care about seeing and recording issues
was more important than anything!
How good was
So we had a
very late night at the after party, I danced all night and Ashley
had an odd man stare at her for five hours who eventually approached
her and asked her to get rid of your mother.
Now my daughter
being raised by East End Gangsters comically thought this was cue
to kill me
. She replied No I cant get rid of my
mother, but if you continue to assume I need to I may organise to
get rid of you
Turns out he
is a writer for a very famous TV show, but Ashley thought he was
extremely odd and disliked his attitude, meanwhile I was unaware
of this mans intentions to get rid of me because I was dancing
sexily (much to Ashleys visible horror) with a young guy from
the hit show Shameless, we were grinding and ass rubbing and generally
enjoying the music
.and I must add doing all of the above to
embarrass my daughter as the young guy knew it was making her cringe,
so we did the sexy dance to the full max!
The night was
over and we made it back to Marsham Street, we re packed bags and
got up early to catch the flight to Los Angeles.
My mate Craig
met us, checked us in and managed to bag us great seats for the
flight (I love him).
So we made it
across the Atlantic in a fit of sleep, excitement and cups of weak
We easily made
it through US customs until one US Homeland Security man stopped
me, checked my visa and asked me what I did for a living.
I am a
stand up comic going to New Zealand sir I spoke clearly.
He looked around
at his fellow workers and added loudly Tell me a joke
mum dont Ashley hissed.
is the worst world leader that everyone hates, he cant speak good
English, is clearly mentally affected and the most people with a
decent IQ cannot stand and want dead? I smiled at him. Ashley
turned sour in seconds, he looked down, shook his head and barked
I dont know maam who would that be?
Hussein, thats who
.you thought I was going to say George
Bush didnt you? I laughed.
did maam he smiled.
because you have that opinion of your president sir, dont
blame me for that one I laughed out loud, Ashley glared, the
man stared and people all around didnt know whether to laugh
We walked straight
to the Quantas check in with that guys eyes boring into my back.
After a short
wait we got on the flight with FOUR seats each, lay down snuggled
into a deep sleep. The only sad thing to report was that at 5am
in the morning Ashley cried for her dad, she missed him she told
me and felt down without him. I knew this would happen but did not
expect it to happen when we hadnt even reached NZ!
So here we are
in Auckland, we met up with US comic Dom Irrera, we had a chat over
breakfast in this lovely hotel. He is a huge comedy God to me, I
cant wait to work with him at the Gala and on various projects
the comedy festival has lined up for me.
Ashley has been
filming various parts of the journey and we will have a live blog
from Auckland up soon on Livedigital, we just need to settle for
a few hours.
I will be performing
at the Silo in Auckland and Downstage in Wellington over the next
three weeks, see my website gigs list for details if you are in
It is now 11am in Auckland and 11pm-ish in UK, so I must go and unpack. Keep watching this blog!
11th of May 2006
Yes we made
the very fatal mistake of falling asleep at 5pm. I know!!! What
fucking idiots we are, my daughter and I decided a wee nap would
be good so I set my phone alarm for 7pm. I forgot in my haze of
jetlag that my phone is on UK time and would not alarm me until
Wednesday next week or something! What is wrong with me?
I was so flabby
and jetlagged I could hardly function, I went into the closet and
forgot why I was there, meanwhile Ashley was looking through her
luggage and fell asleep with her head inside it!
how tired we were, we woke up and Ashley heard people outside on
the tennis court and said How late do these people play tennis?
it was only 8pm, we had been asleep 3 hours and we just went straight
back to sleepy land and woke at around 5am this morning. Thats
ten hours of sleep time, we both had bizarre dreams! I dreamt I
found a unicorn and slashed its throat and Ashley dreamt her dad
had given an old Etch-A-Sketch and there was an automatic button
that drew the Pope on it!
So we got up
and waited for the breakfast bar to open. We were both starved as
we hadnt eaten since the plane journey. We did find a biscuit
in my bag and sat on the floor and shared it like we were two survivors
I hate that
programme, its second series is being shown in UK, I dont
understand how that big fat guy Hurley hasnt lost any weight
yet, or how a polar bear lives on that tropical island and doesnt
die in the heat? Who feeds it baby seals?
How come the
women all look groomed and sleek, they have no straggly eyebrows,
bushy arm pits and perfect skin, I look like a crack whore and I
am living in a five star hotel?
here in Auckland is horrific, I havent seen that much rain
since the flood at Glastonbury last year, its like being back
in Glasgow for fucksake.
I have three
interviews today and stuff to organise, I have chatted with husband
and manager John on Skype which is awesome, I love Skype.
Ashley is all bright eyed and bushy tailed, she is running around Auckland with her camera and we will have a live blog up soon on Livedigital that hosts all my media and I am sure it will also be on my webpage.
Have done my
first live audio blog for Radio Café on BBC Radio Scotland,
it gets broadcast next week on Tuesday 16th May.
I am so looking
forward to my first gig tonight at Classic Comedy club in Auckland.
Speak soon .jetlag Janey.
Friday the 12th
of May 2006
First Gig is over with
We had a great
day yesterday Ashley and I, we went down to the Classic to do TV
interview with myself Dom Irrera and Phil Nichol, Ashley filmed
me being filmed by the TV company. I love Dom and Phil, two very
wonderful comics. Then we went along Auckland harbour side which
is beautiful despite the scary windy rainy weather. We went into
one of the lovely harbour side restaurants and enjoyed the local
I had to get
back to the hotel as I had my first gig last night, I was nervous
as hell, its not my one woman show just a comedy gig at the Classic,
BUT it is my first gig on this tour and important that I get off
on the right foot. The ticket buying audience are out there and
if I fuck up, no one will buy a ticket to see me. Luckily the crowd
loved my stuff; I improvised a lot on stage (I dont know how
NOT to). I did some stuff about Ashley and I on the flight and of
course that lovely story about the US customs man who demanded a
joke! It all worked, when I came off stage my heart was beating
in my chest, my palms were sweaty and Ashley ran and hugged me as
I came off stage up into the green room Mum that was awesome,
God, I was relieved,
Ashley is my harshest critic.
Today is VERY
important firstly -Scotland beat Bulgaria 5-0 and there is a heat
wave in Glasgow which means the world is going to end; surely thats
an apocalyptic sign?
The sun will
fall from the sky and locusts will eat the fresh fields of Cornwall
Secondly I am doing the BIG TV GALA here in NZ, in front of a live audience of 2000 people and going to broadcasts of squillions of Kiwis.
Is this the moment when I walk on stage, my mouth goes dry, my heart stops, my brain decides thats there is nothing in there except for a few old black and white photos of Richard Nixon and a memory of school custard?
Do I stand in
the moment of silence and feel piss trickle down my leg as my mouth
refuses to move and my brain shouts to me Hahahah!!! fuck
all here Godley, look here is a President who resigned and remember
the taste of lumpy dessert? Oh look
here is a wee flashback
of a night you spent at a bonfire in 1974 when you were hungry and
were looking for your dog
I will die physically
if that happens. Ashley will join a witness protection scheme and
change her identity, move to Khuzestan and become an orphan in disgrace
and make shoes for the rest of her life. My husband will divorce
me and marry a woman who can cook, and has long silky hair, she
will laugh prettily and smile as he talks shite and my booking diary
will empty like a virus got in there and drained it of all potential.
let that happen, it means I may have to get a real job and I am
good at fuck all but talking.
So there we
have it, I am so scared of stuff you cannot even begin to imagine.
Send me good vibes or in one 3 minute slot my life is over ..there is no going back if I die on stage tonight ..
Friday the 12th
of May 2006
The TV Gala
2pm was the
call time, to get to the St. James theatre in Auckland. Too early
for my liking as I am not actually onstage until 10pm at night!
I brought my long dress, high heels and necklace. I left Ashley
at the hotel as there was no real reason to drag her out with me,
she could come along at 6pm and that would give her time to dress
up as well.
I got to the
backstage door in time (I got yet another taxi driver from fucking
what is wrong with these people; he didnt know where
the St. James theatre was!!! It is the middle if the main street
in Auckland and has been there for nearly a 100 YEARS, then he had
no change so I told him to get fucked and never paid him, two things
a taxi driver should have a-Change b-Directions)
Anyway you should
see this beautiful old theatre, the intricate carvings, the old
music hall façade
.it is breathtaking, and there are
Tiffany lamps and stained glass fittings all around the walls
I went straight
into make up
..I am not on stage till 10pm, my face eats make
up, what is the woman thinking of? It is only 3pm!
Slowly but steadily
the backstage filled up with the 22 acts that will be on the show.
Jimoen, Danny Bhoy to name but a few and of course of genial host
Dom Irrera. I did my rehearsal, I did my make up again, I did my
hair again, I did more make up, I did another rehearsal. It is so
hard doing your stuff to four people in a huge fuck off theatre
and getting no feedback but the rehearsals are important for the
TV people to check sound levels and lighting etc..
There are only
14 acts of the 22 actually getting onto television, so I am not
sure if I will make it to the big screen, anyway that wasnt
a worry as I had to get through a whole day of waiting to get on
stage as I was near the end.#
arrived at 6pm, she was beautiful, her hair all done nice and wearing
her new dress, she arrived on the arm of Stephen K Amos. He is a
great comic for UK and an old pal of Ashleys.
Ashley was nervous
for me, she looked strained and tense, I suppose its hard
for her to watch me up there in case I screw up and she has to be
witness to that.
the camera and a few of us comics, walked down the red carpet for
her video shot, she was not allowed to film inside the venue due
So I got my
make up touched up again, got my hair fixed again and the show began.
comic walked up the big staircase and did their stuff to the 2000
people of Auckland.
I sat backstage
pulled out her camera and spoke to it about my nerves and anticipation,
she may not be allowed to film but I was ok to do it in my dressing
A few comics
came and we shared our nervousness to the lens and then before I
my time had come.
I stood there
in the dark surrounded by crew, my heart was beating loudly in my
chest, my mouth went dry and at that moment I thought Maybe
being a secretary was a good idea to consider right about now
But before I could contemplate a career change the music blared.
welcome all the way from the East End of Glasgow I heard Dom
Irrera announce and my legs carried me to the huge set covered in
lighting rigs and wires at the rear.
I walked calmly
on stage and took in the whole applause and the sheer size of the
room, the audience cheered, and they clapped and all I could see
amongst all of those faces was my daughters, and for some
obscure reason we made instant eye contact! I didnt even know
where she was sat! But my soul found her in those elongated frightening
but electrical few seconds as I picked up the microphone. I kept
eye contact, she looked scared, her fists were clenched near her
mouth, her huge brown eyes staring at me, as I opened my mouth to
talk, then she dropped her hands and her face broke into a huge
smile, that smile I know so well and I knew it would all be ok.
I took my time,
never rushed, never flustered and did my stuff. I got huge cheers
and rounds of applause, the punchlines hit the mark, and the asides
went well with everything I planned to say. Before I knew it, it
was all over. Ashley was beaming at me, the 2000 people roared as
I took a bow and left the stage.
The comics clapped
as I went into the green room. Great gig Janey Ewan
Gilmour shouted and hugged me close, I so needed that hug I can
I ran and got
the camera and got one of the guys to hold it as I gave that immediate
offstage reaction of the show. I was visibly shaking still!
After the show
closed, Ashley was drained emotionally and begged to go back to
the hotel for a sleep, Mum I feel as if I have just given
birth She exclaimed.
Press took pictures
of us both, people were shaking my hand and all the time all I could
think was When the fuck do I get to take off these high heels?
I dont know if my slot made the TV show, I will find out Sunday.
Sunday the 14th
of May 2006
Bound for Wellington
cloaked in grey, the rain is horizontal and Glasgow is having a
.still. How annoyed am I, we are missing the only
sunshine we are likely to get this year back home! I am gutted.
Ashley and I
stayed in the hotel in Auckland last night and edited the first
live blog for our NZ trip. We then went out for dinner, ate quickly
and got back to the room to pack up for Wellington, we were flying
out at 9am this morning so preparations and room cleaning was on
like a gypsy, she throws all her belongings far and wide across
the whole area, I manage to keep all my possessions to one corner.
We bought an external hard drive also as my laptop was clogged up
with all her film and sound files. So beside the many clothes she
has scattered, we had a room full of wires and electronic camera
equipment, tripods and film accessories, I thought I was going to
We managed to
get the cases packed up, and headed for the airport this morning
The flight from
Auckland to Wellington is only an hour. I am doing two weeks in
Wellington before we head back to Auckland for the last week of
the festival. My show is at Downstage Theatre.
I have never
been to Wellington before, so I was excited beyond belief but would
miss all my mates and the familiarity of Auckland City.
We got on the
busy flight and for some reason there were hordes of big fat people
who all took there shoes off and the smell was unbearable! Ashley
had her head in her leather bag the whole flight as she was retching.
Mum what is wrong with these people? Dont they know their feet and bodies smell like that? she announced loudly.
To make matters
worse a big chubby girl behind her stuck her stinky feet up the
side of Ashleys seat and touched my daughters elbow! Ashley
screamed and stuffed her jacket down between her airline seat and
the window to stem the stench!
The air was
fetid and I could hardly breathe.
As the plane approached Wellington, it came in low over the water, it got lower and lower and still the water was beneath us. My nerves jangled and I am a seasoned flyer, but where the fuck was the ground? Was it going to land on water?
Just as the
plane dropped its wheels we suddenly came over land and the aeroplane
actually just dropped onto the tarmac with a hefty bump! My mouth
was dry and my heart leapt. No one fucking told me about this!
I looked at
my daughter and she had those big bush baby eyes in sheer terror
staring at me What was that about? I thought we had crash
landed She hissed. Apparently flights to Wellington are notoriously
scary as the runway is too short for the big planes, they are extending
it this year. Not soon enough, I am scared to get back on that flight;
I may walk it to Auckland next week.
So here we are in Wellington, we have a suite to ourselves, one big living room and good kitchen, two bedrooms and two bathrooms (bliss) I no longer walk around twisting my ankle on discarded shoes, no longer stumble over camera wires or get my feet tangled around a bra that looks like a stripper had been doing a dance beside my bed! I have my own room ..rock and roll!
The city does
look nice, we are right in the heart of the shopping area, as we
are living here for two weeks I went out and bought food, fuck knows
who will cook it as Ashley and I are crap at that. We may entice
a young guy back to the hotel suite with a promise of sexual favours
and just force him to cook the steak I bought or we burn him with
matches! I think there are men who would pay for that sort of service.
We are both on National TV tomorrow on a show called Good Morning. Sounds like fun? I am also doing the big opening festival show later on that night. I am busy but rested and miss home, miss my husband ..well at least his cooking skills.
Monday the 15th
of May 2006
NZ, am sitting quietly on the sofa, am still waking up too early
but coping with it. Ashley and I have a national TV breakfast show
to appear on in less than five hours and I was pondering.
I felt a small
quiver through the floor that went into a small but intense shudder,
the TV shook and the windows rattled, then it was gone.
fuck was that? I said aloud.
There was no
one to answer me as Ashley was asleep. I turned on the news channel
and after about ten minutes it was reporting a small earthquake
A fucking earthquake?
What is going on?
saw that in Lord of the Rings.
Gandalf is dead; an earthquake killed him and all the wee Hobbits
So we made it
to the TV station, the show was well on time, make up on and there
we were sitting on the Good Morning sofa chatting to
a lovely NZ lady who advertised my book in full glory to the National
network of NZ!
Ashley and I
joked and chatted with her and within seconds it was over.
I sat waiting
in the hotel on word about the TV Gala, was I in? Did my performance
make it to the TV show that goes out in NZ on Wednesday? My heart
was in my mouth expecting the news to be bad, but I got a call from
a TV person who told me YES I was in! Hurrah
news as it will help sell tickets in NZ if my clip goes on national
More good news
I got a review! Yes the gala was reviewed by some local journalists.
Herald, 15th May 2006
JANEY GODLEY: Comedy Festival Opening Gala
Our rating: * * * *
He says: The most mumsy of tonight's performers, and she is lovely.
Her hot daughter is a hot topic and most of the jokes are at her
expense. But when you've got the funniest mum on earth, who cares?
She says: Maybe it's the Glaswegian accent, or her over-excited
multiple personalities, but you can't help but love this woman.
Whether her 20-year-old daughter Ashley still loves her, after being
mocked in front of strangers, remains to be seen.
I am so happy with that. Last night I was on stage at Downstage Wellington, this is where I will be doing my one woman show Good Godley. I had a fun gig and the locals and press got to see a preview of my show. Ashley sat backstage and laughed and chatted to the comics, she is also excited that she is called hot in the press.
17th of May 2006
a Cerebral Palsy Man on the Bus
me there is a story. I walked up to the Downstage Theatre where
I am performing next week, I was also on that night for First
Laughs and had to do a tech rehearsal. The theatre is a quite
a walk from my hotel, but a nice stroll none the less. I took some
pictures of my big billboard outside, did the rehearsal and decided
to catch a bus back to the hotel, as every bus goes past Lambton
The big Maori
driver gave me my ticket and sat down beside a bunch of giggling
school girls. They were all chattering like wee spider monkeys hanging
off a tree, I love watching that, it reminded me of Ashley and all
her mates when she was a school girl.
Just as the
bus was about to move off, the doors opened and a big lumbering
man with a cut on his head that had dried blood around it -got on,
at first I thought he was drunk, and then it became clear he had
severe physical issues. His walk was laboured and his left arm was
twisted, he managed to make it onto the double facing seat on the
left hand side of the bus. He then reached into his pocket and emptied
his cash onto the seat and counted it out whilst mumbling. God
help him I thought, it always amazes and humbles me when I
see people with obvious physical problems who still manage to be
mobile and lead their lives.
He then changed
seats to the double seats four down the aisle in front of me; he
spread himself over the seat and started talking loudly to himself.
His words were inaudible but very loud.
started looking at each other uncomfortably, being Glaswegian we
often have drunk people shout at themselves on public transport,
so I wondered how the people of this capital dealt with any social
situations out of the norm.
The school girls
went quiet, and then looked very interested at the disabled man,
one of them whispered to another and before long they were all egging
one girl on to go down the aisle as she clutched her mobile phone.
I thought to myself, surely they arent going to take a video
or picture of that poor man? What do they teach their kids here?
I smarted inside as one girl hissed Why do I have to do it?
You do it to her group of mates.
I leaned over
and said That man has problems why do you all want to annoy
One girl looked
at me square in the eyes and said He is sitting hugging a
girl from our school and she is really shy.
My brain froze,
I never saw anyone in that seat, and maybe I never looked? Why would
I? So then I strained to see and beneath his big fat arm that wrapped
around the window side of his seat peeped a wee blonde pony tail.
I jumped to
my feet and walked down the aisle of the bus and approached his
seat, there sat a tiny wee blonde girl in school uniform almost
encased in his lumbering grip, his arms was around her shoulder,
his other bent arm was on her leg and he was slobbering into her
face talking that language that would take years to understand.
The wee girl
looked up, her huge blue eyes were filled with tears and terror,
pleading with me for help.
know this man honey? I asked in my friendly concerned voice.
me She barely whispered and stretched her hand out to me.
The man looked
at me growled and tried to hold her on the seat! I pulled her out
of that corner with the strength of a lioness.
up there I said to the girl as I turned to face the man.
cerebral palsy he mumbled. I barely understood but it registered.
I looked at
the adults behind the mans seat and the people wouldnt make
eye contact with me.
sat there as that wee girl was being practically molested! What
is wrong with you people, she is a child? I shouted.
man stood up and pushed me You he shouted. I stood my
ground and punched him on the ear and he fell into his seat
you fucking touch me, you never got up and sat beside a woman on
this bus, you chose to sit beside a wee girl and tried to manipulate
the situation with your disability, well that doesnt wash
with me, I dont give a fuck how disabled you are, you are
a bastard who likes to slobber all over wee girls and that has fuck
all to do with your disability thats because you are a pervert
At that I walked
back up the bus which has now decided that he is not the bus Looney
anymore that is now my JOB! I didnt care.
ok? I asked the school girl who was clearly shaken.
you She answered, her school friends gathered round her making
soothing chatter and holding her hand.
time any man or anyone for that matter tries to touch you, you stand
up and shout at them, your silence is their power, do you understand
that? I asked her sharply.
do now, but he was disabled and I was too embarrassed to say anything
she pleaded to me with her big blue eyes staring at me.
nothing to do with it, people like him depend on your sympathy or
silence, look at me standing here talking loudly, I know that everyone
on this bus wishes I would sit down and shut up but silence and
social embarrassment mean nothing when it concerns your own safety,
you need to understand that I insisted.
She smiled and
nodded her head Thanks again she added.
I turned again
to the people around and spoke loudly to them You all sat
and watched that happen and that says a lot about you people. If
that was a big tattooed Maori man you would have called the cops,
if that was a Muslim man you would have stopped the incident, but
you all got stumped how to deal with a disabled man assaulting a
child, work that out and that I got off the bus and realised
I had missed my stop and had no fucking idea where I was.
It took fifteen
minutes to get back to my hotel but it was worth every step.
I am on the
TV gala tonight here in Wellington; if that wee girl watches the
show she will gasp and say Thats that scary Scottish
woman who punched that pervy retard on the bus!
She might not laugh at my comedy but I hope to God she remembers the words I said to her on that bus ride.
20th of May 2006
Well I am not
hitting anymore disabled pervy people. I feel I have been there
and done that! I did a gig last night at Indigo Bar, Ashley came
along and filmed the gig, and she and I had a good time chatting
to the other comics. They really are a nice bunch. We went for a
late night drink with Dai Henwood and got home around 3am.
I have never
slept past 6am since I have been here and this morning I had a live
national radio show at 10am and for the fist bloody time I slept
right past 9am. The first time I actually sleep late and I have
to get up! Arrrggghhh!!!
Added to this
situation is period pains, so there I was all white faced, hair
like a scarecrow that has been pecked by Hitchcocks
birds and a womb like a cluster bomb being chewed by an angry
Doberman, sitting opposite a lovely radio presenter talking about
My brain had
frozen and I had to keep talking
.I may have said too much
I came back
to the room and there was a Scottish House keeper (the hotel here
in NZ is full of Scots) Can we get access to your room today?
She snapped at me.
She was small
with a wee pinched middle aged face (like me probably) and had that
angry look that clearly emitted that the last time she had sex was
when Michael Jackson was black.
am sorry but I have to go to bed and the room is clean, some fresh
towels would be good though I answered as my womb decided
to contract and pull most of my lower internal organs into a knot
for no reason.
will need to get in there eventually her wee angry face spat
do you think we are doing in there? Starting a drug den? Maybe an
illegal gambling pit? I have loads of filming wires and editing
stuff and camera equipment all over the place, I dont need
it being moved around to be honest I walked off and could
feel her wee eyes bore into my back.
It is now 10am
on Saturday morning and every word I write I misspell, my womb is
killing me, I am sore and sleepy, I am tried and want to go home.
even know what I am supposed to be doing today; I am groggy and
started this blog yesterday but still can even get the energy to
tap into the key board all the stuff I wanted to say. There is a
story about a video shop assistant and some funny ditties about
clothes shopping, but when you have to re type every word as you
go, your brain decides to stop working and you want to lie down
again and over dose on painkillers and hope your womb fucks off
out of your body.
Sorry talk soon Janey
Sunday the 21st
of May 2006
I do feel a
whole lot better, those period pains nearly killed me, but I managed
to get showered and got out of the hotel. Ashley and I went down
to the harbour in Wellington, the sun shone though it was still
crisp outside. We saw a great Maori busker and he let me join in
singing and dancing and we filmed that. Then a local drunk toothless
man came along, smelling of piss and booze, so I told Ashley that
was her real daddy and she screamed at me.
I love meeting
the wee underground people, I always like to meet the local nutters,
and well I already met the local pervert so I may as well meet the
drunks and scary nutters.
I did a show
at Late Laughs and the Divas and both went really well.
I love being onstage, you know its the only time I feel really
alive is when I get my feet on that wooden board and feel the microphone
in my hand.
stage can set you free is the tattoo I am going to write on
my fat ass with an ink marker as I am too scared to get a real tattoo.
Ashley is missing
her dad and I do sometimes as well, I do get by ok without him,
but sometimes in the quiet wee small hours, I feel that empty-ness
creep over me and forget all the shit that went on between us and
just wish he was there. How mental is that?
with me has been a Godsend to be honest, I recall being in NZ before
and spending weeks alone sometimes not talking to anyone until I
got onstage and then talking to no one again until the next day.
Thats my fault though as I dont always communicate well
offstage with people, I either talk too much or not at all.
I have to get
up early tomorrow as I have a few radio interviews to do and then
get ready for Good Godley opening in Wellington on Tuesday. I am
excited about doing my whole one hour show. I will be recording
them and filming most of them so I can put some clips up on Livedigital
website that hosts my video and audio media.
Speak soon and thanks for all the great supportive comments you have all been sending, I cant answer them all but I do really truly appreciate them more than you know.
Monday the 22nd
of May 2006
heads and bitten feet
I woke up this
morning and I have two big insect bites on my ankles, yes! Some
nasty wee fucking bitey things had a feast on my ankle, I have two
huge lumps that have the tiny wee pin head red entry zone clearly
.yuk some horrible thing was sucking on me! My husband
has this strange philosophy that if you talk to insects they wont
hurt you; now two things are flawed with this arrangement.
1) I cant
see them spraying their evil anaesthetic on me as they prepare to
eat, so how can we chat?
2) I am
not the fucking bee whisperer
So there we have it. To top it all off, I managed to burn my forehead with hair straighteners, I wanted a nice hair do and ended up with a strange Maori branding that I never expected.
Last night after
the Divas show (it went great) Ashley and I were rehearsing
some of the comedy sketches we will be doing at Edinburghs
Fringe Festival. Ashley excitedly told me she had developed a new
skit, so we went ahead and improvised
.the premise was that
she was this annoying insincere Aussie therapist and every time
I talked she nodded and said yeah over everything I
said. Then it developed into her slapping my anger out of me, now
it was funny but she got carried away and practically beat me up
and I am sure she just did it to violently pound me about the head
with her huge palms! She is getting bored of my company I think.
On another note, there is a huge ginger cat at Downstage Theatre called Tibald, Ashley is smitten by this funny cat except last night as she stoked its big fat ginger belly, the cat nudged her hand down and tried to get her to stroke its cat cock! I kid you not; it lay there with its legs open and was trying to sexually assault my child! Ashley was screaming, the cat merely stood up winked at her and strolled saucily into the catflap with a sexy swagger. Ashley said she felt dirty
played all night with that cat and it made me feel like a one night
stand whore, it actually was headbutting my hand to get it down
to its wee cat man willie, then when I refused it just strutted
yuk that is Colin Farrell the cat
we have it on video, not the cat sexually enticing my daughter,
just the cat itself.
So tonight I
nursed my insect bites and vowed to learn mosquito talk in the hope
I can charm the bastards away from my flesh. I hate beasties.
Godley finally opens in Wellington.
I was in the society type gossip column yesterday, photographed beside NZs famous comic and actor Mike King. Mike is good old mate from when I came to NZ before, I love his stuff and we had a natter at the Gala after party. So I am off to apply more antiseptic to my burnt head, I cannot believe I am going onstage tomorrow with a scorched and faintly well slapped head thanks to my daughter.
24th of May 2006
Godley! Finally opens in Wellington
Yes, it did
and I am so chuffed it went great, I had a really full house and
loads of people laughed in all the right places. I was so nervous
at first, but I did it and Ashley taped it for me. A guy actually
asked me to do a tumble on stage and I did! I forgot
I had a hairclip in and that jagged me head.
Also, I got
a note at the theatre, a guy called Robert contacted me to say he
saw me on telly in NZ and he knew me when I had the pub 12 years
ago. I knew him well, I was so surprised to find out he had moved
to Wellington, Robert was a 22 year old dude who drank in my bar,
he remembered Ashley when she was eight years old
.was he in
for a surprise!
came to meet us and took us to meet his lovely wife and two wee
cute kids, Jimmy and Mary (Good Scottish names!). It was so nice
to see a face from my past
..still cannot believe he is all
grown up and lives in NZ! He used to live in the Calton.
We went up to
Victoria Point and you could see all over Wellington from this beautiful
vantage point. It was breathtakingly beautiful.
I met Blanket-man
on my way to the theatre tonight as I went to do my show. Blanket-man
is a big Rasta haired dark skinned man who is naked but for a pair
of very un-sexy pants, he sits on the streets of Wellington drinking
and shouting at passers by. I shared my pre show sandwich with him
and chatted for a wee bit. People looked at me oddly as I sat with
him; he is a cool crazy man whom I like. Sometimes to know a place
fully you have to meet the people other avoid.
I now have another
insect bite, this one is under my chin and getting redder by the
.Beasties hate me
I am tired and off to bed, my latest video blog is going to Livedigital tomorrow, or as soon as I can load it up as NZ is a third world country as far as the web is concerned. It takes ages to do stuff as the service fluctuates. (read fluctuates as fucked).
Friday the 26th
of May 2006
I have now had
a headache for 27 hours, I was panicking last night as the show
was booked out good and my head is pounding like a big nail has
been hammered into the side of my head. I managed to go on stage
and have a really cool gig, but I am scared inside as even when
I sleep this fucking pain pulsates. If I move my head too quick
my vision gets blurred! I am gonna die!
I woke up to
the small angry dwarves in my head banging nails and smiled through
the pain as I got a great review in The Dominion Post (Wellingtons
big broadsheet) I will summarise it for you.
are times of silence that only a pin drop could punctuate. This
is what makes Godley compelling, she is naturally funny
So I am happy,
I just want this pain to disappear soon as I have another busy night
and its hard when the stage lights blind me and make the pain
sear further into my brain.
I hope I dont
have a brain tumour, I know that sounds paranoid, but I am scared.
Speak soon. Send me painkilling vibes?
Sunday the 28th
of May 2006
Well that was
fun, I loved Wellington. We were there for two whole weeks; sorry
the blog was late but having a migraine was a bastard to deal with.
My season at Downstage was amazing, I got really good ticket sales
great reviews and made good friends with Tibald the theatre
cat, I am happy.
a bit like an episode of Lost with all the local comics
taking the central roles from the show.
made us so welcome-David the Jew was the wee English drug addict
character, who provided me with serious painkilling drugs, he was
all hyper and funny, his comedy style is so far out there at times
I am sure the Late Great Malcolm Hardee (Godfather of alternative
comedy in UK) would enjoy Davids madness; Noor was Syeed,
all broody and sexy Arab-like and very funny onstage, Cori was the
Sawyer character-the guy you cannot truly trust though he did keep
us all together, he was hysterical with his wry songs and dry humour
( and a keen constant observant eye on Ashley but maybe not in a
fatherly helpful way therefore he must die-shame we liked him as
hehhehehe) and Steve was the trustworthy
doctor Jack, providing us with a good sense of security and making
the stage a great place to come onto, he is a wonderfully funny
comic. T.J is a very funny stand up, unfortunately he is too skinny
to be Hurley (the fat bloke from Lost) but none the less a great
person to share a stage with.
The people who
run Downstage Theatre are invisible and were never seen by me or
my daughter, I know they exist but I dont know who they are,
a bit like the people who control the Island in Lost!
Of course Blanket-man
is that dude down the hole!
So there we
have it, so we are here in Wellington airport, praying that the
flight out is not anywhere as scary as the flight coming in. Wellington
airport has a runway the size of a garden path in Hobbiton. You
literally land with a bump and your ovaries smack the insides of
your inner ear, please please let the take off be easier.
here we come
.Goodbye Wellington, great memories and Tibald
the Cat will forever stay in my heart. It was strange I never met
the theatre organisers but Tibald was there every night that my
show was on, he sat in the foyer and walked me through to the dressing
room, sat beside me until it was time to take the stage
maybe Tibald actually runs Downstage theatre. He is the main guy
behind the scenes and you know what? He is good at it!
Do go check all my latest videos and audio blogs on Livedigital.
30th of May 2006
Well the flight
into Auckland was not as troublesome and fairly easier, bearing
in mind Auckland has an International Runway unlike Wellington!
Ashley and I
are back in the Hotel in Auckland, where we started the tour and
its great. Feels like home-except home is Scotland!
I had a great
gig at the all woman Diva show here in Auckland last night and my
one woman comedy show Good Godley at the International
Comedy Festival opens tonight at Silo Theatre.
I am doing a
book signing today with my autobiography Handstands in the
Dark at Whitcoulls on the Corner today at 12-30. I am excited,
I went in yesterday and there was a huge shelf full of my face all
Last night at
the Divas was well funny, the local awesome comic Jan went
on camera (my daughter s making a documentary of the tour) and told
the whole story how she is a host on the porn channel here in NZ
and she actually had sex with the famous porn star Ron Jeremy when
he came to NZ recently! The intimate details were so funny and apparently
she is number 5,683 that he has fucked!
She then stripped
for the camera and showed us her boobies! So funny!
had sex with anyone famous (other than in my head) but I did have
a chat with George Clooney in a toilet and he kissed me on the cheek,
I also got to feel Jake Gylenhalls bum at the BAFTA awards
so my stories were dull by comparison.
here is nice, I caught the ferry over to Devonport yesterday for
lunch and that place is beautiful and magical. The wee town looks
like something out of the weather-clap-board houses from some American
family sitcom, somehow familiar yet olde-worlde!
The late night
parties have finally caught up with my daughter Ashley, she is exhausted
and went to bed early last night, I went to a local Japanese restaurant
and the first course was cold hard cabbage leaves with sludgy mayonnaise!
I was tempted
by the sushi, but after last years fiasco at the Edinburgh Fringe
where I ate sushi and had a violent reaction and ended up in the
Emergency room getting adrenaline pumped into my blistering body-I
passed on the sushi. The last thing I need here in NZ is a visit
to the hospital and injections to stop my tongue from swelling up,
it aint funny.
I am really
looking forward to getting onstage tonight and doing my stuff.