Janey's Blogs - May 2007
Friday the 4th
of May 2007
02:19:25 PM
Southport and beyond…
Sorry I have been
missing in action, I have been gigging in the hot sun of the UK.
Things have been
so hot here, I was off to the seaside town of Southport in England the
other day working and the place is LOVELY, so nice except the beach
had miles upon miles of sand and the water is so far out, to reach it
was like walking to Ireland!
Then husband decided that on the way back from England we dropped off
in the Lake District before we headed up to Scotland. The Lakes are
truly beautiful and in the basking sun it beats any world wide resort.
We headed up into the mountain route and stopped off in a wee pub that
is nestled in the carved out hills and took in the awesome view.
It was so serene, wee sheep trotted about and suddenly this huge ear
popping roar descended through the valley and I screamed and hit the
ground, sheep ran into fences and trees shook as a huge UK Air force
war plane screamed above our heads and twirled about looking like a
black triangular enemy space craft from Star Wars.
I almost shit myself,
my ears were ringing and my nose bled!
What the fuck does
that mean?
How can such a beautiful place have to be destroyed by screeching horrid
war planes? I asked the barman of the wee hilltop pub what the hell
is going on and he told me: “They use this place to train and it's
killing tourism in the area. Beatrix Potter is huge round here and people
come from all over the world to visit her home and then leave hysterical
at the loud noise and never come back.”
Another reason to hate Tony Blair as far as I am concerned. I want him
to fuck off to America at the first chance and I hope the next UK Prime
Minister stops war planes giving nose bleeds to lambs and tourists in
the Lakes.
Sunday the 6th of
May 2007
07:07:46 PM
New York here
I come…
This blog gets over
half a MILLION hits a week and I am sending out into the big wide world
web a quick plea. I am coming to New York on 22nd May till 1st June;
I am performing my play The Point of Yes at the Green Room on Bleeker
Street on 23rd May.
I need a decent
cheapish hotel for 10 days, I will also be writing my Scotsman Newspaper
column (it’s actually a whole page that I get) from New York So
WI/FI is very important.
I can’t wait
to go to New York and I will also be doing comedy and will keep you
all updated on this as soon as possible.
So let me know if you can help!
Meanwhile Glasgow has given up its global warming campaign and the weather
has gone mental and started to rain. I was awoken by the heavy slashing
rain that battered off my bedroom window. This wasn’t what actually
woke me up, what grabbed me from my slumber was the men who work in
the bathroom store beneath my flat.
Their back door
where they come out for their 11am smoke is directly beneath my bedroom
window, and my window is directly above where my pillow snuggles my
head.
“So then I
was fucking this woman and I said to her ‘Ask me who the daddy
is man’ and she just fucking lay there squealing”
(Glasgow men say
the word ‘man’ at every given opportunity, like ‘it was
great man, you should have seen the car man’ except in this situation
surely when you are talking about fucking a woman, the word MAN should
not come into it. Who am I to teach the scummy poor how to talk?)
I heard these words
being bellowed from the nasty wee skinny acrylic-wearing sales assistant
in between gasps of dragging on his cheap fag.
I leaned out of the window looked down and there he was, acting out
his fake sex life in full swing.
“Hey MAN”
I shouted “Why don’t you save your breath for your blow up
doll and shut the fuck up as I try to sleep or actually have real SEX
as you stand down there shouting out shite”
The wee skinny man
looked up in shock. “I am sorry missus” he then flicked away
his ciggie and ran inside the shops back door.
So that’s how I woke up today.
I cant wait to wake up in New York
Tuesday the 8th
of May 2007
08:46:33 PM
Baby Abi confesses
all…
As you all know
I love my wee baby great niece Abigail. She is only 3 years old, but
funny as hell. I got her on video last night chatting about how her
mouse died. It had been a source of mystery how wee ‘Squeaky’
died.
Abi carried this
wee grey mouse around for days and loved it, then it just died.
Well as soon as I put the camera up to Abi’s face she confessed
the whole ‘Mouse’ story and believe me its worth watching
especially when she gets to the bit where she stops herself and realises
that ‘Shaking the mouse’ was a bad idea….hilarious go
watch it now on http://janeygodley.livedigital.com/content/1623444
Thursday the 10th
of May 2007
06:38:26 PM
Fighting and bitching…
I sat there on the
sofa and chatted to husband, it was one of my long funny anecdotes,
it’s a really funny story and you had to be there to laugh at it.
I looked at husband when I was in full flow and he was completely ignoring
me and watching telly.
“You don’t
listen to me ever!” I shouted.
“Yes I do, I have heard this story before but you insist on telling
it all over again” he snapped back.
“I hate you and I like telling a funny story and you repeat lots
of your shite and I listen with interest as if I need to hear it again,”
I shouted.
“Well you should tell me to shut up. Maybe we shouldn’t ever
talk because after 27 years we must have heard everything we ever need
to say to each other and by the way I DO LISTEN – you know that
wee voice you have in your own head that tells you to go pee, or go
eat, or you must remember to do up your flies? THAT’S been replaced
by your voice. I don’t have my own voice in my head!” he screamed
at me.
“Really? My voice has replaced yours in your head?” I smirked.
“Yes, I hear your voice constantly,” he said.
“What is it telling you know?” I enquired.
“It’s telling me to tell you to fuck off,” he laughed.
Well at least I have accomplished something - he hears my voice all
the time….deed done.
Monday the 14th
of May 2007
05:38:49 PM
New York and brain bleeds
My nephew Shaun
who is ten years old fell and banged his head. Poor wee soul had a brain
bleed and was rushed to hospital. I was so worried about him and I went
up for a visit; he was in no pain and was in a private ward getting
all the attention from the nurses. Thanks to nice nurses in Glasgow,
he fine and well and home again.
Meanwhile I flew off to Belfast for my one woman show. The rain battered
the cobbled Irish streets and yet people queued in the lashing rain
and the show sold out.
Belfast was awesome and it looked and felt a bit like Glasgow, I was
fascinated with the place and have vowed to go back and spend more than
one night and actually get to see the place.
By the way I found a great apartment in New York thanks to Ivan my mate
in London who knew a woman who rents out her place….I am so excited.
All I need now is an UPGRADE on the VIRGIN flight from London to New
York…any people out there good at that task? Please? I will kiss
your toes!
Ashley and I fly to London this weekend; I am taking part in the Groucho
gang show and then am off to the BAFTA TV awards on the Sunday. Ashley
and I always have such a great time and I can’t wait to spend time
with her.
Thanks for all who helped me try to get a flat in NY…I love ya…and
if you live there come and see me in my one woman play The Point of
Yes at the Green Room on Bleecker Street on the 23rd of May and my one
woman award winning comedy show Good Godley! on the 24th of May
Virgin flight upgrade? Anyone?
Wednesday the 16th
of May 2007
09:53:48 PM
Blow Jobs and Baftas
Recent reports are
saying that oral sex may lead to higher risk of throat cancer; my husband
says the word ‘May’ in that sentence is important. I am worried
sick and I might get his throat checked.
He doesn’t seem too bothered and so life goes on.
I have been slow with my blog again as I have been getting ready for
London and New York, also my addiction to the Gilmore Girls has been
very consuming. The last season finished last night in the US and that’s
the end of the entire series.
I have seen every episode of every season and have been recently scanning
all the websites that illegally show TV series uploaded and shared with
people on the web.
I had three people
in America who uploaded the show onto my favourite website and let me
watch it as soon as the site accepted it. I was so excited.
I am now into 24 season 6. The finale was this week and my friends on
the web have assured me it is up, the problem with 24 is, the people
who represent the network that show it on television in America, have
a team of computer legal geeks who scan all the TV web host sites and
demand they get pulled down, so it’s a race against time to catch
it….a bit like an episode of 24 as we the viewers try to outwit
the corporations that prevent us from watching free of charge. My life
is dull…I know.
I am off to the BAFTA TV awards in London on Sunday, so hopefully I
will make it down the red carpet without falling over in my high heels.
It’s always a worry.
Thanks to all who have helped me get accommodation in New York next
week and thanks to Virgin Atlantic who may possibly see it in their
hearts to upgrade me on my flight out of Heathrow on Tuesday morning…please?
Monday the 21st
of May 2007
05:01:11 PM
BAFTAs and Bare Feet…
Ashley and I have
been in London since Friday. We went to the Groucho Club Gang Show on
Saturday. The show is basically all the talented musicians and performers
who are members of the private club; they get together and put on a
huge five hour show.
People like Heaven 17, Turin Brakes, Noel Gallagher, Richard O’Brien,
Betty Boo and whole host of comics including myself were booked for
the night.
I cannot tell you
the names of all the amazing jazz and soul bands but my favourite Roland
Gift from Fine Young Cannibals was on top form and he kissed me!
That man in a musical God and sex beast as far as I am concerned. Yum.
I am sure he knows
I am slightly obsessed but despite this we had a great chat and I got
to hear him sing four feet away from my seat…now that is HEAVEN!
Ashley’s life long ambition was also realised when she did the
‘Time Warp’ with creator of The Rocky Horror Show Richard
O’Brien and led the whole room in the dance. She was ecstatic.
The happiness didn’t last as on Sunday morning when we awoke, my
poor baby Ashley started vomiting and we had the BAFTA awards that night…she
did manage to stop the sickness and off we trotted all in our glad rags
down the red carpet.
The award ceremony was long, but Joan Rivers was there and she was just
wickedly funny as always.
The after party was held the awesome Natural History Museum, just yards
from our flat here in London. Ashley and I had a fab time: we danced,
we drank and we partied till dawn with the fabulous and the famous.
It was extremely
odd dancing to Wham! beside a huge dinosaur and ancient fossils that
were on display at the world famous museum; also there were fossils
in a dress and high heels – That was me!
So now it is Monday and I fly out to New York tomorrow morning to perform
my play and comedy, I am tired, my feet hurt and I managed to rip THREE
pairs of tights pulling them on last night…what the fuck are they
made of? Butterfly wings? They are expensive and I need to learn how
to be a lady and pull on pantyhose properly.
My next blog will be from New York…see you soon.
Wednesday the 23rd
of May 2007
05:07:41 PM
I am in New York!
The weather is awesome,
John Fleming (my manager and all round helper) is with me and I am doing
my one woman play ‘The Point of Yes’ tonight at a theatre
off Broadway.
I have been in New
York before, but fuck how I forgot about the sheer noise level of traffic
and every time I go to call my father in Glasgow a big police car goes
screeching past with its siren on, so I cant actually call my dad till
this stops as it would worry him. So I don’t think I will be chatting
to daddy for a while.
The apartment I am in is quite small but great location, there is no
kettle to make a pot of tea, and so I trotted off and bought one of
those small tin tea pots that you fill with water and boil. It leaked
and flooded water everywhere, so I am taking that right back to the
shops.
I love New York and the images of me the columnist sitting in the apartment
looking like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City couldn’t be
further from the truth. I am tired, none of my clothes seem to fit and
I cannot wear kitten heels for the life of me.
I went out last night with a gay mate of mine to a bar, for some unknown
reason I drank beer…I DON’T drink…I am not an alcoholic
or someone who has drink problems; I just don’t take booze very
much. Anyway after two drinks I was hammered. I have been in New York
one night and I have a smelly hangover.
My comedy show Good Godley! Is being performed tomorrow night so I need
to get organised and stop staring out the fire escape at the ‘squirrels
versus cats’ war that goes on daily at the Chinese woman’s
balcony across on 33rd street, opposite my back window.
It truly is the best show in New York…the cats are trying to catch the squirrels and the squirrels are trying to get into the Chinese woman’s opened patio door…maybe I should stop staring and go rehearse my play.
Friday the 25th
of May 2007
05:03:19 PM
The Heat in NY…
It is stifling here
and I cannot believe that all the clothes I have packed are useless
and I am walking around Manhattan in my sloppy pyjamas, as these are
the coolest clothes I own. I feel like a homeless person.
Mind you down in the Bowery where I performed my play and comedy, there
was a tall slinky black man dressed as a woman but sporting a full beard,
so I am normal in comparison.
The accent barrier is not an issue, but I always seem to go into shops
and get served by some poor person with a speech impediment. I asked
for REGULAR tea and the young woman with the cross eyes repeated this
back to me as ‘BEBULAR’ tea and I stood there and laughed
and that means I am going straight to hell.
It took ages for us to agree on the ‘regular’ tea issue and
by the time I got it outside I was falling about laughing, now I know
I am bad…but I couldn’t stop laughing as I thought it was
ME who was saying it wrong.
So the play ‘The Point of Yes’ went spectacularly well in
spite of me assuming the accent would ruin the dialogue. I was so pleased
with the show and my comedy show Good Godley! was just a joy to do in
the Bleecker Street Theatre.
There were small audiences but there was one woman from Glasgow there
and she made the show even better. How awesome was that?
I sat in Central Park and watched the Off Broadway Soft Ball teams compete
and it was just wonderful, the heat is searing but my pyjamas kept me
cool.
I think I may wear my pyjamas forever, very liberating, but I might start shaving my chin in case I turn into the bearded lady.
Sunday the 27th
of May 2007
04:05:06 AM
Coney Island
and the insect bites…
I am 46 and staying
out to 5am to go partying is not a good idea as far as I am concerned.
I hung out with friends and ended up catching a cab at dawn yesterday;
the view of Manhattan and the sun rise was just worth the late night.
I had four hours sleep then got up and went off to Coney Island with
John my manager and we were meeting up with Andrew J Lederer. He is
a New York comic and lovely all round guy.
Coney Island is awesomely tacky and wonderfully cheap-looking with ancient
rides and amazing architecture. The beach is clean and the sun was hot
as hell. I thought I was going to DIE; I actually sat in the shade and
went grumpy. I looked at my legs and noticed I have been bitten to bits
by nasty insects in NY…bastards! I have lumpy bumpy shins now.
I got really hungry, yet the only thing on sale in Coney Island is deep
fried hot lard, I was so annoyed that I ended up shouting at John. Then
Andrew showed up and we walked along to Brighton Beach where we went
into a great Russian restaurant and had fine food…and it was air
conditioned.
I don’t know what I was expecting in Coney Island. Salad? The place
only does hot dogs! I need to stop assuming people will change their
environment to suit me.
Meanwhile the sun battered down and shade was thin on the ground, I
ended up on the beach under a huge umbrella and finally made a mad dash
and jumped into the ocean, which was so cooling and cold I wanted to
become a fish to escape the constantly scorching sun.
I am a moany cow, I finally get the most beautiful beach, the best weather
and all I do is whinge and bitch.
The upside is Andrew J Lederer, the US comic. He did give us a wonderful guided tour of the beach area, pointing out interesting buildings and giving us a really informed history of the area. If you want you can check his blog and really good page on www.myspace.com/andrewjlederer
Monday the 28th
of May 2007
05:09:34 AM
Seven Secrets
You Won’t Know About Me….
By email a friend suggested that I had to write seven things that people would not know about me. Now this is hard for me as I have written my autobiography and have blogged my inner most feelings since 2004, so what’s to write that you might not know?
I had a big long
think and these are the seven things about me that most people won’t
know.
One - I have a scar that runs from my belly button upwards from an operation
that went wrong when I was two years old for a hernia problem. (I don’t
know how babies get hernias unless I was weightlifting teddy bears)
Two - I have extremely erotic porn dreams about people I don’t
even find attractive – like the man who works in the co-op near
my home and a stand up comic I actually really dislike and then I sweat
profusely when I meet them in case subconsciously realise I am in love
with them and can't recognise it because I am mentally challenged.
Three - I miscarried a baby one night before I went onstage and didn’t
know I was actually pregnant and did the gig. It was just a heavy bleed
and I didn’t recognise what had happened till the next day (OK
maybe that was too gross for most people to know but I am searching
here for secrets….help me out!)
Four - I shout another man's name out in my sleep regularly, so my husband
tells me and I suspect this may be connected to number TWO in this list.
Five - I used to enter competitions in conjunction with drinks companies
through the pub I used to own years ago and under false names I would
win many gifts and had to get locals to collect the prizes. I was good
at writing slogans and got bored talking to drunken Glaswegians so I
entered all the booze comps!
Six - I screwed money from our new Prime Minister.
Gordon Brown was
the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the 90s. We used to let the Labour
Party use our next door shops for free when they were canvassing during
an election and Gordon Brown was there. He came into the bar to buy
drinks for all his Labour chums. After ordering a huge round of drinks,
he stood there and asked the price of whisky and lager.
“£1.40
a pint, £1.50 a whisky, so that’s ten pints and four whiskies’
comes to £30 in all thanks,” I said with a smile knowing
that I was overcharging him ten pounds. This was just to see if he could
actually count.
He stood there,
looked at me and then agreed and nodded.
I laughed took the cash and said loudly: “You can’t count
and that’s why I will never vote Labour”
So I screwed our new Prime Minister for cash!
Seven - I am incredibly shy with new people and am only talkative when I am onstage and it freaks people out when they meet me and I stare at my shoes and go quiet till I get a microphone in my hand.
Thursday the 31st
of May 2007
04:23:12 PM
Big Bugs scare me…
New York has the
biggest crawly bugs I have ever seen. Standing in the street in flip
flops I looked down and there running towards my foot was a big reddish
cockroach, so I screamed like a girl.
In the apartment where I am staying, I saw another huge bug scuttle
behind my suitcase, so therefore I had to take the whole thing apart
and check Buggy McBastard hadn’t decided to live in my knickers
and come home to Scotland with me.
I leave NY tomorrow morning at 5am…and head back to London.
I have had such an awesome time here in New York, though the heat has
been debilitating. During the day it is so fucking hard to walk around
as the sun burns you to the bone and the humidity makes you sweat more
than a blind lesbian in a fish factory.
I am exhausted and missing my family. Though catching up with some old
mates here in New York has been wonderful. I used to come over here
in 1999, so I have pals from the past. That has been cool.
I am sure husband is enjoying the peace and quiet although from what
I can gather Ashley is making extreme demands on his time. She really
is a daddy’s girl. When I tried to call him she butted in about
fourteen times and we gave up even trying to have a conversation.
I have been writing my weekly column from New York for The Scotsman
newspaper, where I have a page on a Monday.
The highlights of
my trip were performing at The Green Room on Bleecker St and going to
Washington Square to listen to the wonderful buskers. It has been great.
I think when I go home I will take husband away for a couple of days
and spend time with him; it’s been so long since we got to have
a decent argument uninterrupted.